Nick Drake

Poetry is emotional.

"When the day is done
Down to earth then sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
*Just like everything that was said and done*
When the day is done....

When the part is through
Seems so very sad for you
Didn't do the things you meant to do
Now there's no time to start anew
Now the part is through." - Nick Drake




"Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.

So I`ll leave the ways that are making me be
What I really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making me love
What I really don't want to love." - Nick Drake


"Please give me second grace
Please give me a second face
I've fallen far down
The first time around
Now I just sit on the ground in your way

Now, if it's time for recompense for what's done
Come, come sit down on the fence in the sun
And the clouds will roll by
And we'll never deny
It's really too hard for the fly." - Nick Drake

Dealing with Pain

People always mask their pains in society. I believe that one must have come across the notion of how green the other side appears to be. It doesn't pay to disclose pain and furor, especially to unknowns. Disclosing it to knowns is even more treacherous because it takes a large amount of conviction in one's beliefs.



However, there is relief and contentment in unburdening oneself in front of one's knowns. But who are your knowns? And do they change?
This is one of the most humourous things I think of regularly; nothing will remain and all shall fade. The knowns change and you change. And no matter how much we want to grasp at things, things will never remain, unless by their own accordance.
Then again, here is a thought... How often have we thrown away those we once held dear and that we once held precious in pursuit of what seemed greener or easier? How often have we grown scared of taking steps and venturing into what seems unknown? We are the same, unless we decide to be Alexander Supertramp. The real noodle is, will we realise our follies or will we fill the gaps and find our peace? Will the ghosts of the past come to haunt us, asking us... what happened?

Cliff

Rock On (Movie) : Friends lose touch and there is an associated anxiety and excitement for the meet, many years after.

This will only partially be replicated in the future. Technology.

A thought:
To go off the radar.
Away from facebook, away from chat, away from twitter, away from orkut.
Only one's mobile phone and email to function (partially) socially and for business purposes...
How would life change?
Would that be liberty?

Lust

"I love chicks who look bitchy or have too much of an attitude; I find them really hot - just feel like bringing them down from their lofty heights."

People amuse me and infuriate me.

OW

"There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution." - Oscar Wilde

"What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!... A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her." - OW

"What a fuss people make about fidelity!" exclaimed Lord Henry. "Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say." - The Picture of Dorian Gray

"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all" (Can be expanded to include all creations) - OW

"No artist has ethical sympathies. An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style." - OW

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors." - OW

"Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed." - OW

Sex

"Yeah man, she was like the best fuck ever!"
"And when I was talking to him, he said the same thing, that 'She was his best fuck!'"
"That was the gayest moment, coz we had had sex with the same chick."
"But yeah, she was the best fuck I've had"

People amuse me.

Control

People change, conditions change and people are forced to adapt; I shouldn't be writing about this but here goes:
A professor who is teaching the class I go to, has been diagnosed with an illness; he wrote a small message to all the students about this condition. He said that he might have to end lectures earlier than normal and at times might have to cancel lectures.
In class, he spoke of how he had never had such an issue before and I saw from his words that he really liked teaching.
It made me think that something such as an illness, of oneself or of someone one cares about, could alter life and how it is planned. A host of other factors keep moulding our lives. When these changes are smooth, small or conscious, they are easy to deal with; however, when they are abrupt, forced upon one or not accepted by one, life could become difficult to change.

I had written this quite a while ago; and the last sentence is of consequence. It speaks about the locus of control.

Point being: there are things that are outside the realm of your control and there are things that are inside the same. The ones outside our locus of control tend to influence us most drastically, but they should not. The ones inside our locus of control ( when not controlled well ) ought to affect us more significantly, but in a relative sense - the former exudes more influence.

With age, we tend to become more accommodating and / or numb especially related to happenstance. I believe that my professor should be dejected and annoyed at this condition. With age, we tend to grow worse at adapting but are better at accepting things. So, I believe that he will have accepted it or may be in the process of doing so.
I am driving down the same point again and again :)

How will our music, recreational or relationship tastes change over time?
How will we adapt to work life and / or family life?
How will we face sudden news of people who we care about?
When will the pursuit of finding our own place in the world end?
Will it?
Always good to think and question, even though no answers pour out.

Risk

Whatever happened to taking chances? People are just too scared of failing in relationships, life, work... which is valid, but the sense of adventure or of trying the unknown is lost. We care so much about the comfort that we have, that we have stopped risking things. We ache to get to work on time and we ache to come back home as soon as possible, just to sit and watch TV. Again, very valid.
And may be, as I have mentioned before, a lot depends upon one's wealth and present (and expected) standard of living.
There is a joy to relinquishing things and there is massive amount of pain at the thought of doing so. But once, just once... remember the un-ordinary and remember how you smiled.

Conversation

Me: Do you think that Univ. of Illinois was better 10 years or so ago ?

Bus Driver: I tell you what; according to me, all universities were better 10 years ago, and they were even better 20 years ago.

Me: O, why do you say so?

Bus Driver: There is a great reduction in the line of independent thought; the only thing we have left are all the research guys and PhD guys coming out; society is far less liberal

Me: (Horrified) I tell you this from the perspective of an outsider; even though you may say that America is far less independent and liberal, for many of us, America does signify freedom of thought and liberty which is not seen so easily outside America.

Bus Driver: May be. The one thing is that I keep worrying about are my kids and my children's children, because as I see it, society is going down the drain and the people of America in the future will be forced to pay this price. I really don't take any political sides, I just want to live my life as long as people don't interfere. But when something wrong is happening, I would love to stand up.

Me: There is a very thin line between apathy and indifference.

Bus Driver: (Laughter) I am sorry to say this, but most of the people in this country belong to the former.

Me: It was very nice talking to you, have a good day!

Bus Driver: Likewise, have a good day.

Challenges

3-3.5 months from today, the MSF program will come to an end for me and I will leave for wherever I am going to. The odd bit is that I still remember the first few days of Champaign and it doesn't seem that long ago.
I am sincerely going to miss this place and my friends here, knowing very well that I will most probably not see them again for a long long time (if indeed I do see them again).
This makes me think of Singapore - if I do get to go there. High possibilities that I will be friendless over there, and that should be a very rich and painful experience. May be I will grow tired of myself and may be I will learn to be at peace with myself.
One of the biggest reasons I do want to get into Singapore is that I do not want to be in a secure place such as Mumbai; of course, I believe that the quality of work experience would be much better in Singapore, but I could very well take the easy and boring path of going back to India. Undoubtedly, even if I do go to India, I believe that I could do very well for myself; but that is not the point.

The beauty of life is to draw on opportunities and muster up the courage to do something that may never be done again. If I had something to hold on to back in Mumbai, may be I would go back for sure. But currently, I just want to be adventurous and, somewhere, torture myself and experience the variety that this world can offer.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder..."

But let's face it, I have been served a very generous hand in this life... I want to say that I have won this ovarian lottery and I am truly lucky to be leading the quality of life that I am living.

Down with the Senas I say

There are a few things that really make me really angry, one of which is outspoken prejudice. It is alright to be biased because somewhere, all of us are biased; however, discriminating and generating disharmony is unacceptable.
This could be one of the reasons I hate religions. Religions were created so that morals and ideals could be instilled in a group of people where law and order could not have been created. It brought a group of people together and gave them an identity without a real force to keep them in check. What is happening now, is that religions are being used to generate specific advantages in order to fulfill one's motives.
Vishwa Hindu Parishad, Shiv Sena, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena are just a few of them. The subtle ones are BJP and Congress in India.

Humans have this incomprehensible thirst for power, and religious factionalism allows them just that. I detest India, largely for this one reason; the legal enforcement is so weak such that any religious group can riot and destroy the 'peace' (or rather, destroy the 'chaos' ) to suit their own agendas. I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party comes to one's house and destroys things.
I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party enters a discotheque and starts molesting women.

India has been and will be a dysfunctional society, therefore chaotic. We have enough issues to contend with already; it would be better if these idiotic morons would keep away.

The Circus

There is a difference between humility/ pride enjoyed within oneself and humility/ pride showcased.
Sometimes, one should just sit back and watch the show that is society, instead of bellow.
I love proving a point and I am unhesitant in backing down if I am wrong.
But I hate listening to people who go nowhere and believe they are going somewhere.
Therefore, I too need to relax and enjoy this crazy show.
People are humourous :D
The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can start laughing at ourselves.

Gobbledigook

Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook, from the album "með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust" which means - "with a buzz in our ears, we play endlessly"

The first time I heard this song, it had me hooked. It is in Icelandish and makes no sense to me; in addition, it is not supposed to make sense. But the english translation of the song does seem to make some sense... Getting to the point. I loved the song from the get go and before long, I was 'lalalalalaLALALALALAL"ing... I searched for the video of this song on youtube but could not find it. Finally, one dude mentioned that the video would be on Sigurros.com.
And soon, I realised why the video was not available.

It had a bunch of people (male and female) dancing, having sex, jumping around and enjoying themselves in the nude, but they wore shoes. I believe it could be termed as 'naturism'. Humans, may be, used to be this way and let's face it - humans were meant to be animals. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with being animals, just that we tend to be too sheltered, scared and comfortable in the society that we have grown up in - including me. The most that one can do (apart from forsaking society) is to go away from people, if only for a bit. But I have written about this earlier so I will not touch upon that subject.

The other thought that came to my head yesterday was, why humans get bored, why we do the things we do. As analogies, I can well say that we wear good clothes to look better and potentially more attractive - same as animals do; we care about families and society, the same way that animals do about communities; we care about money and comforts in marginally different ways though - animals eat enough for sustenance (may be they don't have the luxury of overindulgence) but animals do crave for more than they can consume, and this is what we do too.

This leads me to : Boredom, thoughts, morals, beliefs.
One can never peer into another's mind, and similarly, a being can never peer into another being's thoughts. We will never know what creatures, who are not humans, think of. Therefore, we may never know if they also get bored living their same lives day in and day out.
There is no measure of consciousness, which is why there is no certainty as to whether each day has not already been lived earlier,
Or whether each day is our consciousness as a new being and not as we suppose, which is that we live our lives each day, and our identity does not change till death. I had written about consciousness earlier.

Gobbledigook - means something akin to gibberish. May be what Sigur Ros is addressing is a realization - which is, in fact, a belief - that nothing is supposed to make sense, but we do try our best to make sense of things. Man belongs near nature and man should do odd things once in a while because that is as close to nature as one can be. I do not have the courage yet, but I greatly respect controlled insanity.

Talk

Why do we opine? It could very well be a source of identity in a world where identity is so difficult to find. I find it absurd when people have opinions about largely irrelevant matters... then again, how else is one supposed to pass time? I have often seen it in me - my desire to opine and I have fulfilled that desire; and often, I have regretted that. People who speak less, interest me; people who speak humbly or softly, impress me; people who speak incessantly, humour me. Wording one's beliefs is welcome, but more often than not - words are insignificant and therefore, it is a gift to keep shut. Aggression has amused me for a while now; sometimes it is required, but most of the times... it is just a man's ego. It's one thing to stand up for yourself, one thing to stand up for others, and one thing to stand up because you want your words heard. Solitude is precious, and we often forget that... we have forgotten that to the point that we no longer consider it. There is just so much to do and so much to achieve. There are people to answer to and there is society to be a part of. I crave to go away without telling anybody about it, without being in touch. Stay away for some time, speak little, think less, walk more, see more and withdraw.

Struggle

T : Why do we struggle?

Sura: asking such questions bothers me, makes me feel like i might be missing something. but i ask them regardless. i think its about being able to achieve our potential, but i also think its a never-ending quest. is there a point to it all? i ask. and this takes me back to devdutts gymnosophist.
one more question that pops up is: what would happen if we decide to be, just be, you know? screw potential, screw what we 'could be'. and put some effort in being happy, content, and satisfied.
i think the questions that we are asking ourselves right now, and are trying to answer, wont bother us once we have something to do. like when we get jobs. its an almost empty mind, despite the stupid courses we are pursuing, that is to be blamed. and i'm also sure we will ask these again when we miss a promotion while on the job. thats how it is. we need to come to terms, and decide when we want to stop pushing.

T: When I think of an Icelandic rock band that used to perform but has been on a hiatus for some years now... I think of, well... they did something, n now they feel like chilling...
One big factor, I believe, is the standard (or ease) of life in the country where we reside. If the small things in life were simpler, people would live more and struggle less.. Then again, there is an ego to live up to, no (Ah! The Indian English!!) ?
Something that needs to be continually assessed is the end goal... what is it that we want to achieve? Is it the money, is it a cozy house & a family, is it a small vacation once in a while... is it peace and solitude... is it the arts and the books and the music and the movies? There is no point to most things... we tend to create a point to most things, which, in effect, is equivalent. One thing that we Indians are going through now is the freedom and the choice that this partially vibrant economy and culture is giving us... Our parents never had that opportunity... Freedom gives rise to sadness, because the small wants increase. May be that is why I just like quitting things once in a while... Just to go away and take a look from without. We struggle because we choose to... reminds me of the Oracle.
"You didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand *why* you made it. I thought you'd have figured that out by now."
And this has been tied in with destiny and fate and all that jazz... Fk that shit... thing happen, things will happen, we control and we believe we control...
And this reminds me of Pippin
"All shall fade..."
And this reminds me of this impressive mind that I meet often, he looked into my eyes and said... " Dekha jaayega, phaaada jaayega"

Lessons from business folk

Venture Capitalist: "Finding a company is like dating; you need to get along at first go otherwise you can't even think of marriage."

Well, it was a guest speaker session where 2 VCs had been invited. They were the 2 partners in a $15 Mn fund only operating on seed investing. Towards the end, I asked a question; originally, I wanted to ask the question with my opinion embedded inside, but then I kept it open-ended. I asked, "Why have you guys decided against expanding your fund or going into latter stages' financing?"

The guy answered, "It has to do with lifestyle choice... The 2 of us had had some experience in the corporate world, the 2 of us are committed to this company and we knew our capabilities. We figured that we could oversee 7-9 companies and we preferred being with our families in our free time. We did not think that we would like to work 80-hour weeks and our limited partners understand this level of commitment."

In effect, he had said that one needs to draw a line and say that this is how much I want to grow, not beyond this... I prefer this to that, and thus I will base my career. Now, this works especially if you are an owner or part owner of a business. May be even WB took the longest time to realize something similar.

Paris

Reading my friend's blog; reminded me of this time in Paris. I was walking around alone - this was in September, the day after exhibitions were over. I kept walking, trying to find the Cathedral of Notre Dame, not realising that it was far far away.
I remember going inside and staring at things.
Cameras were not allowed, however, many people still clicked away :)
Was about to go away when I realised that I should spend money and go up to the top of the Cathedral.
Remember having a nutella crepe and dropping a bit of it over the food counter, to the disgust of the girl who served me that.
2 french ladies asked me something in French, and I said 'Desole, Je ne comprend pas...' - to which they laughed.
I remember the gargoyles,
I remember the artists / students who sat at the top, trying to draw the view
I remember seeing La Defense from that view - that's when I decided that I would definitely go there
I remember that people were in a hurry to see everything,
I remember myself sitting near a person who was trying to draw a gargoyle.

I walked down,
I was hungry,
I went across to a cafe,
I sat outside on the street,
I ordered a beer,
A girl (my age I believe) was sitting indoors (there was no partition),
I asked her for help,
I wanted to order duck, but did not know how to say 'boneless',
So she turned to the waiter and said, 'boneless!',
She said it in English :D
She was Australian :)
And OMG she was pretty :)
I ordered duck pasta,
Ate and drank,
To the amusement of passersby,
May be they found it odd to see a young brown guy eating and drinking beer in the afternoon on the street - alone.

Find your Peace

Quite a few of my friends are unhappy right now; so am I. It could very well be a phase where some of us have spent a sufficient amount of time after graduation, at work. However, when we look back at what college life used to be like, we see that it used to be a content life - could be because we felt secure in college.
At work, we face pressure from abnormal sources such as family, colleagues, personal passions and ambitions and a constant quest for something secure.
When I came here about 8 months ago, I remember that I used to be an extremist at achieving what I wanted to. That has since toned down quite a bit. Most plausibly because I now value the culture around me more or my friends more, may be I have changed because I do appreciate the finer things in life. May be.
One influence was the case competition; the incident where I came back to an empty hotel room and nobody to celebrate the victory with. Another influence could have been my trip to Mumbai, where the first night itself, it dawned on me that I needed to be near where I belonged. Of course, I could struggle and make my way through another country and therefore another culture, but there is no need to struggle as long as I get an intelligent job in India.

I should call myself lucky for having found my calling in finance, and so I hope for a lot of my friends, that they too find their true calling and are furnished with the guts, the intent and the opportunity to pursue that path.

People believe that working at a place that one loves is a key to success; however, I have a slightly different take.
It is not so much about success as it is about being content with waking up each day and looking forward to going for work. Success will follow. Peace of mind is often overlooked.

Vulnerable

I got drunk last night, or as one of my friends put it - hammered.
This was the first time I have ever been drunk, and potentially, the last.
2 large bourbons, 1 pint blue moon, 3/4 shots tequila (cannot remember), 2/3 (horrible) vodkas; all of this on, pretty much, an empty stomach.
Coup de grâce - puked in public and have hazy images of people moving away from me as I puked. I also remember shrieks of 'ewwww'.
Life is beautiful.
It's a good thing that I decided to be irresponsible in a situation where I had friends around me. Shall not forget the fact that they got me home; although, I can't remember who it was that got rid of my pants :P
Well, I believe I did.
The other good thing about getting drunk in cold weather - you don't feel that cold.
Puking helps - rids one of the stupor or the potential headache.

I do hope that I did not say anything last night that could be regretted.

Now for the important point; why did I get drunk 1 night before my birthday?
I don't think that there is a clear reason... my friend did get a bottle of bourbon from Kentucky for me, and that made the task simple. I should add that daym that bourbon is crazy shit :D
There was a food and non-alcoholic drink event sponsored by MSF and that made it easier to be around alcohol, afterwards.

I do not think I would want to get drunk ever again. Buzzed - yes.

Addendum: So, I also had an Irish car bomb after the vodkas, but I don't remember having that. However, I do remember asking the bartender chick to describe what it was...
And this goes out to my friends who took care of me :D
Quite awesome that a platoon walked me home to make sure I was OK :D

Hope for perceived peace

There is a difference between 'hope' and 'expect(ations)', and people tend to use these words interchangeably. One can very well hope for something knowing very well that that particular thing will, most probably, not come to one. This implies that one does not have expectations, but hopes...

The mind is yours to create
Keep what you want in it
For nobody shall reach it
Your deepest and brightest thoughts are yours to relish
Your reality will always stand in your way
So close your eyes
And think loud
You control the images you want to see

Two of my friends just finished a leg of their respective competitive journeys. One is smarter than the other and the competition did not change that fact.
I doubt that they expect things, but am sure that they hope for things.
Independence is a relatively new concept to a few of us.
It is important to keep a stable head at all times.
It is more important to be near people who you care to have care for you.

My friends think that an important step had been completed.
Sure.
Sadly, there will be times which will be more difficult and there will be choices that will have to be made.
Sadder still, they might read this post and kill me.
I hope I do not die.
I hope that they manage to break free and find, what they believe are, their respective paths.

Ruin and Prosperity

People change, and by this I refer to how people, in general, change with time. Sense & Sensibility (the movie) made me think of how humans used to be. Women took to the arts and took care of the house. Manual labour demanded men to be the workers. Economics has changed; this has allowed women to equal men. People are more prosperous, but the sheer number of people has ensured that a large portion of human population lives meagerly.

Changes in lifestyle, consumption, inhabitance and capabilities has changed how people behave. I am sure that there were times when people thought not of what they aspired to do or be but thought of taking care of themselves and their dears.
Prosperity has influenced minds. Enjoying life (even though one had different forms of enjoyment in the past) is more within reach. People care a lot more about love, relationships, happiness, contentment and rest - may be more than ever before. It ought to be a good thing.

Somehow, we tend to ruin ourselves. There is too much information to analyze; the content has grown - especially over the last decade. Movies, songs and other media throw at you aspirations, ideals, concepts of love and relations and the ignition for individual thoughts.
The internet has destroyed centuries of basic human communication; communication with people who we like, people who we want to know, people who we don't care about and people who we would never have known.
People know more about the world than ever before.
And somehow, people think they know more about themselves than ever before.

I go back to thinking that we the world is just too competitive, and sometimes it should do us good to step back and understand just what we are battling and why we do the things we do. Stepping back broadens one's horizons and allows one to possibly see what one really wants.

Appeal:
Get rid of the noise.
Blow away the dust.
You can see then that society has converted life into a battleground.
Dream of a vacation.
A vacation without a camera and without a phone.
Go to a place where you know nobody.
Be alone.
As once humans used to be.
It is not a life choice.
It is a vacation choice.
Now if you don't mind, leave.

Indian English

This is for a friend who I find to be creatively intelligent - hope he finds his path in pursuit of intellectual, and therefore, emotional satisfaction.
We were talking about Indian English.
I started the topic by citing the fact that most of the traditional English speakers, let's say - Americans, British, Australians and New Zealanders predominantly speak one language on a daily basis. Therefore, their 'language' is English and the way it is uttered is very similar across these 4 countries.

Indians are a mess. This is because most Indians speak more than 2 languages on a daily basis, and for all practical purposes we consider English as our language as we use it daily and fluently, albeit mixed with other languages.
Indians use the word 'prepone' which is a word that makes complete logical sense, and is much easier to say than to say 'let's reschedule this meeting to an earlier time'.

But what we touched upon during that discussion is how Indians speak in English. At times, we make statements which has an opinion embedded in it, but the statement is uttered as a question.
As my friend described it - "We do not ask questions; we make statements and wait for a verification"

Situation: A person is going to class, and I know this with significant confidence.
A person from any of the above mentioned countries would usually say: 'Are you going to class?'
An Indian would say: 'You're going to class, right?'

We make statements, and at times end it with question marks. Somewhere, this stems from how some urban Indian languages are spoken. Statements are converted to questions, not be rearranging the entire word chain, but by adding a word or two at the end to mark a question.
Somewhere, this stems from what Indian culture is all about.
We do not like open ended questions.
If we partially know somethings, we prefer asking questions with a supposition or a certain emphasis or pressure. We tend to enforce our opinion in the question.


This made me think of whether Indians do, in fact, speak English. The answer is that we speak our own brand of English. Let's call it Indian English. Let's call it a different dialect. I see no reason why a word such as prepone should not be a part of the English dictionary. In fact, I see a reason why it should be a part of the dictionary. It makes complete logical sense.

People like set patterns; but let's understand that a language is a means of communication and therefore should be open to change and evolution. I hate it when people who have not heard of British English strike down words such as learnt (as opposed to learned). I hate it when people believe that the American usage of the letter 'r' is the correct way and the British or Indian usage is not.

Open your minds.
For nothing is set in stone.
Even if things are set in stone,
Know that soft water can tear it down.
Open your minds,
For evolution is key.

Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai - has been described as the most succinct word. It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start." (Courtesy: Wikipedia)

A friend of mine introduced me to this word, and this initiated a chat about how people with a vernacular background are the best innovators or thinkers. Vernacular could well be described as a thorough dependence on only one language. The brain 'thinks' using a certain mechanism. Somewhere, a language is used to generate thoughts and refute or support arguments inside one's head.
My friend's contention was that people with a 'vernacular' background are more able at generating ideas and branches thereof, simply because dependence on one language only allows a smoother, efficient and more effective functioning of one's brain.

I refuted this by saying that people such as the newer generation of Indians may be lousy at presenting thoughts simply because we tend to communicate using more than 2 languages on a daily basis. Therefore, most of us do not have a tight control over one particular 'language'. However, inside one's head, I believe, we would communicate and generate thoughts using a mix of the 2,3 or 4 languages.
In essence, inside our heads, we would do a jugaad and generate ideas.
For example, even now, when I think of the thoughts in my head - they tend to be in English. But I believe that somewhere, unconsciously, I would be using certain Hindi or Gujarati words to get my thoughts to function inquisitively.

Therefore, I believe that as long as one has a good set of words or ideas, no matter what language that may be in, one can be an ideator.

Infidelity

Infidelity
What does it mean? In the context of marriage, the usual definition is simple - Physical relationship with someone other than your spouse.
However - and I believe I have thought about this a long time ago - infidelity is something that ought to be very natural to human beings. Only the institution of marriage has created this 'cage'.

When I talk about infidelity, I talk (and worry) about emotional infidelity. It is this branch that I am referring to. Emotional infidelity comes very naturally to humans; however, what a commitment does, is that it locks a person with another. In a way.
Again, I believe that this should differ from culture to culture.

Emotional infidelity implies that one is opening oneself to another person and not to one's spouse. Is that right or wrong? I believe it is right; simply because, once a couple enters a 'bondage' (don't be kinky now!) there is no knowing how those two will evolve. Somewhere along the way, there develops a need to go away. Not with the intention of 'cheating', but with the intention of getting a different mind or a different body. There is only so much that one can share with another, beyond which one knows the opinions of the other - therefore (partially) mundane.

I said that emotional infidelity is a valid choice that people make. But as we know, humans tend to be illogical and impulsive; therefore, sometimes this choice could be averted. I say that it is a valid choice. But I hate it.
I hate it, not because I believe in some holy institutional crap or commitment, but because of sincerity. Humans need to learn how to be by themselves or be with people and not talk. Somewhere, it influences a person's chain of thoughts and makes one content with oneself.
May be, what I am saying is utter bullshit.

I hate it because sometimes, people stay together out of compulsion - for example, because of their child(ren). Legitimate? I also believe that even after knowledge of a spouse's infidelity, the couple chooses to stay together. Why spoil a decent thing? Let's just accept things and numb ourselves to overlook the infidelity.
Addendum (Courtesy: Wise albeit idiotic person) : What ought to be done, when emotions drift or attraction wanes, is that a relationship should be drawn to an end. The correct path - I believe - would be to disclose and start afresh.

The human mind is a curse because it continually or rather, continuously functions. Therefore, boredom; therefore, need for excitement and change.

Is infidelity an escape?
Is infidelity a different high?
May be it's a rush.
I hate infidelity because of something that this woman implied.
I hate infidelity because I love the concept of peace. Peace that is more than peace, as implied by the Hindi word -'Shanti'.
I dislike infidelity because of a certain notion of comfort, security and joy.
Utopian all, but attainable methinks.

Quit Talking

Once in a while, we say or do things that shouldn't have been said or done...
Sometimes, it is because we never meant to;
At times, it is because the target, which may be a person or a situation, is not within our control and therefore, may not behave as we would have liked them to.
Sometimes, it is just something that is not socially acceptable.
Sometimes, we ride on emotions and impulse.

Words may be the most dangerous weapon around. It makes me smile when I just think of how easy it is to spoil relationships and situations.

May be this is why I hold my want to quit known society, - only for a bit - so dear.

Don't be Afraid

There is only so much that we can (allow ourselves to) do,
Obstacles abound and muscles grow weak from all the strain.
We want to give up at times and just succumb...
We tend to go on because of numbness
Or we tend to go through reason and fear
We are all trying to do the best that we can with what we have.

I will lose it one day
And so will you
Because there is nothing that we truly control.
And may be it is in those dark moments that we wish we could hang on to something
If only temporarily
Sorrow, fear and anger bring out our rawest selves.
It is then that we are closest to being children.

Networking

Vijay from Zanjeer
Girl: 'Let's talk'
Vijay: 'I don't know how to make conversations... I'm afraid you are going to get bored with me.'

A position that I would avoid being in; but have been in. Reminds me of this one time that I managed to do something outrageous. Case Competition evening, after the final results.

I'm talking to this guy; I am tired and quite foolish. He was trying to make small talk, so was I...
I say something to the effect of :
" You know, after this evening, you are not going to remember me and I am not going to remember you. All that all of us are trying to do is network so that we are in touch with each other such that whenever need be, we can reach out and hope that someone might be able to help us out.
Let's face it, you are doing the same and I am doing the same. "

He laughs at me and agrees - although, I still found him quite idiotic - and we continue our stupid conversation.
In the end, I am about to leave; I see some hesitation in him and I say to him.

" You know what? I believe it is best that we exchange details and stay in touch. Who knows how we might manage to be of help to the other... "

We exchanged numbers and that was the last I saw or heard of him.

Questioning Reality

Lars & the real girl. Avatar. Cast Away. The Matrix.
I have been questioning reality for a while now; even now, when I look outside my window, I wonder if what I see is real or not.
However, there is a more fundamental question before that... What is reality?

Reality is a belief, as are most things. As humans that have created society, there are certain things that are called 'real'. For example, in Lars & the real girl, the mannequin was a real human to Lars but not to others. It is because we have a set belief in what constitutes a human being, we have a set belief in what constitutes reality.

We believe that dreams are not real and only when we wake up, that is what is real. However, how will one ever know if one is not living inside a dream?

In Avatar, when the dude falls asleep inside the chamber, he becomes one of the Na'vi. As the Na'vi, when he falls asleep, he awakens as the human being. So, which form is real? What physical being will he associate his mind with?

In Cast Away, Tom Hanks creates Wilson; the volleyball friend. He creates him and believes, for the longest time, that Wilson is another friendly being. We know that Wilson is a volleyball, but Tom believed that Wilson was his friend - therefore, real.

In the Matrix, humans move from one world to another. What is real?

Somewhere, I believe that these questions do not matter. I talk to myself often. I have statements running through my head at times.

I like doing and trying to do unusual things because I firmly believe that there is no rule to life.
There is no rule to how beliefs are set.
There is no certainty, simply because there is very little that one controls.
And have you ever asked yourself, whether you really control yourself?
If you decide to lift up your right arm right now - go on, do it - you can see it moving up, but did you choose that or was that meant to happen anyway?

Tie all of this to the pursuit of happiness and you realize that you should try and do the things that give you long term happiness (or at least, you believe that that is what will happen). Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is certain but belief.

Love & Peace

"The purpose of life is to be loved by as many people as possible among those you want to have love you" - WB
I believe he took a very long time to make this statement.
The emphasis has been added by me, because that captures the practicality of the Utopian part of the statement.
It tends to boil down to love; the word that has been glamorised.
How close is love to peace? - that is the question...

Death

This is because I am the way I am...
I am flying on 31st night, landing 1st morning.. therefore, a 'new year'.

Sinking feeling that either I will die in a plane crash because of terrorism or - on a lighter note - get stuck somewhere because of mayhem.
Than again, people will be chilling, so terrorists wont be able to kill too many people...
May be I will survive...

I am so useless.

Addendum: I made it safely. No drama :(

Reminder

This was me, when I used to be in school. I have this near my bed and I decided to keep this as a reminder a long time ago. I had figured back then that I would be a different person certain years from then onwards... and I needed to know who I was then.

It serves me as a reminder of the fact that I am nobody. I have received certain chances because of the Ovarian lottery and I have worked relatively well to (try to) attain somethings...
I do not deserve anything and I am here to do the best that I can without changing myself drastically.
I will die one day, as will you.
I said somethings today that had been inside me for too long.
I am glad they are out...
Glad because I heard me saying it that well for the first time.
I believe I won't get all those things I listed.
I shall try.
And hope I don't stop trying.


Addendum:
It also serves as a reminder of the fact that we are all equal and that we are all temporary. There are times when I miss life and there are times that decisions need to be taken, pertaining to qualifying my time.
We are continually programmed to grow up a certain way and we should look beyond the near future at times because a lot of things are just too inconsequential to worry about.

Poetry

"Zindagi mai toh sabhi pyaar kiya kartey hai...
Mai toh mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tumjhe chahoonga

Tu mila hai toh yeh ehsaas hua hai mujhko
Yeh meri ummr mohabbat ke liye thodi hai..."

Fuzon; was a tribute to Mehdi Hasan
Beautiful isn't it?




"In life, people keep falling in love...
I, even after I die my love, will keep loving you

Now that I have found you, I have realized
This age of mine is too less for love..."

Crude and may be incorrect

Meaningless

We know of how important some relationships are to us; and we believe we know how the end of those relationships will break us. Relationships have a way of denting us and molding who we have become and who will continue to evolve into...
I believe I am a numb guy because of my pathetic memory; however, I care a lot about some people and marginally care about a few, but don't care about most.
And when I think of this, I believe all of us are like this. We are filled with people who we use to kill time, to feel better, to discuss stuff, to laugh a bit...

A wise, albeit idiotic person said this well, " I want nothing out of some relationships except having them - hence meaningless. "
Meaningless relationships - it is a fantastic thought, but one which gels perfectly into who we are. Just that 'meaningless relationships' is a social taboo.

I have to assume that that term is just too raw and blunt to be used freely in society. Take a moment and look around yourself; we kid ourselves into thinking that we care a lot. Even the people that people assume they care about, they don't really care about. There are only a select few.

I believe the best settings to explain this are classrooms and workplaces; this is because the people we choose to hang out with, are exactly that - chosen.
The chosen few can never always be there, which is why we need plugs in our lives.
These create our beautiful, meaningless relationships.

The day after tomorrow

Have a longing to leave my mobile phone and laptop, and go to a place like Bhutan. Well, I believe... anywhere close to nature. Of course, I don't wish to live in the wilderness; I want to be away from things. And, if I do get a job and if I do have time to kill - I want to go away. Not for long, may be a week...

I sincerely believe that humans have forgotten themselves and have forgotten relationships.
Love, sex, affection, comfort, comfort, comfort, security, security and security. I believe this could sum it all up.

Consciousness could end at anytime.
People have forgotten to grasp at things.
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future"

It tends to boil down to Regret & Guilt
I could very well wait for my trip and say that I will do it at a later time. The 'later time' never comes by.

Grasping things, again, will leave regrets. I could go on that trip and break my spine :D

Blue Mind

"Remember when you were only a child;
And start to see with your blue mind..." - Alexi Murdoch

It simplifies things, because we tend to worry so much. And don't you dare grin, because you know how much you worry about everything! :D

People fall in love,
Part ways,
Die,
Lose their jobs,
Grow tired of their lives,
Grow tired of their health,
Don't relish the simple things in life such as sleep, food & company,
Dislike work,
Dislike society and family...

"Remember when you were only a child"
And thought of the food that your mom fed you;
And cried when you would fall down hard;
And smiled when one would hold you tight...
And smile when one would hold you close;
And smile when one would make you sleep...

How does it feel?

I had to note this because it was so wonderful :D

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it

I clapped when Dylan sang that line :)
Abs. beautiful song...

Indian Girls

Indian girls are crazily pretty. I can say this with confidence because I have been in a different country for 7 months. They may be hot, they may look doll-like, they may know how to dress up well; but Indian girls have something in their faces that makes them stand apart. May be there is something about how clothes fall on an Indian girl that accentuates her beauty. I am sad that I am going back to US for 5 months (I think).
I was open to working in Singapore earlier and now I am more keen on it. Don't get me wrong, because it's not the chicks; it's the culture. :D
Singapore, HK & US were my preferred destinations (and still are); and from these 3, Singapore would be the closest to the Indian culture, even though the place is nothing like India. I remember it from about 6 years ago and I remember being comfortable (may be because I was on vacation :P)

Coming back to the Indian girls' topic; I remember going to the Indian society at UIUC called "Dharma" and I remember that the prettiest Indian chick there was the darkest chick there. I remember how there is nothing that left me spellbound in UIUC; except for some Indian chicks and this 1 American who looked a lot like Avril Lavigne.
Indian chicks !
Feel proud - coz you chicks can be crazy beautiful :D

Understanding BS

Have been fretting for too long now; may be because that is just who I have become. One statement did help me out and I keep going back to it. But life is such that, at times, things keep piling up and as is with most people... we convert life into something more complex than it is.
Why do you want the things that you want? And once you don't get them, you usually move on to other things, don't you? Most people spend life in the same peculiar way; worry about money, earn money, spend money, spend time with friends, socialize, have notions about joy, build up frustration, etc. Movies have impacted human life so distinctly that humans start wanting things as they are in movies. The concept of love, friendship, well-being, material possessions, sadness, happiness; all of these are impacted marginally on an individual basis and drastically on a cumulative basis. Life is one long melodrama. I am saying this because today is one of those rare days when I have gone through so many emotional and energy levels. We all want to be heroes and some of us believe that we don't belong. But in the end, we all do.

Quotes

"What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history." - Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young, that way, when you get old, people wont think you are going ga ga." - David Ogilvy

"In the long run, we're all dead." - John Maynard Keynes

The Bathtub Memory

I think a lot about Buffett, more so because of who I perceive him to be as a person. This is about the bathtub memory...
Supposedly, he had a rough childhood and as is with most humans, he faced his share of BS through life. The one thing that he had going for him was his bathtub memory. He had an outstanding memory, but he could mask or remove bad memories from his head so that he could give more quality time to other matters.

The reason I write about this is, I have a pretty weird memory myself. I have a poor memory about my past; that is to say that I forget things very easily and may be, I don't know how voluntary that is. I say this because I know I had a very rough childhood; not because I actually had it rough, but because I had made it out to be rough. Nonetheless, I would have expected me to hold onto those memories. I hold regrets even now, but somehow - and this may be because I have a weird brain and a weird logic - I have focused well on the future.
I believe that one crucial determinant factor is that I have noticed how *some years* from now, all of us will (tend to) end up well. We have a way of worrying about the short term and in the long term, we do find a way past all our stupid situations.
Not a day goes by that I don't doubt myself and not a day goes by that I don't look up to who I might be someday.
Everything in life is temporary and I have been so grateful that my memory has served me well.
I look back at who I used to be and am astonished and ashamed.
I look ahead and know that sometime from now, things will be alright.
I had decided sometime ago that regrets won't get me anywhere; there is just too much to life (even though we may be aliens inside the matrix).

Today, I tell my readers:
Forget, forgive and move on...
Life is unkind.
Humans beings are weird in the sense that they have a brain which, in itself is so unusual.
It is all in our heads.
And if we keep our minds open.
And rid ourselves of our respective recycle bins and unused files;
Happiness is not elusive.
I envy people who are unconscious.
And I loathe them.
I look forward to this life.
But I told myself once...

If I die.
I want to smile and say that I did things...
Things that may be inconsequential,
But things that did determine who I became and who I was trying to become.
Reminds me of my earlier posts..
This and this

True Joy

The moments that make you restless are moments of anxiety. If it is a new step that you look forward to, you are anxious and it makes you sad in a most absurd way. It makes you sad and lonely because you know that if that source of happiness is not achieved, it would dismember a part of you; a part of you that you believe to be very close to who you want to be, based on your dreams and goals. Anticipation of things going a certain way makes you want to cry sometimes because the pressure is too much to bear. At times, I fast forward to where I want to be 5, may be 10 years from now and I see pictures. Steps towards those pictures make me afraid. The funny bit is that I know that there will always be a way; but happiness is something that you plan so well for but comes along without your will. The greatest moments of happiness are usually the ones that you look forward to, but come with such force that you would never have anticipated. The pursuit of happiness...

I may be a dreamer

Last paper for the Fall Semester tomorrow; yesterday, while I was trying to study for the Investments exam, I remember wandering off...
I was sitting on the couch, gazing away and talking to myself. When I regained consciousness, I realized that I had been talking and mumbling to myself for the past, may be, 45 minutes (OK, may be 30). I laughed and started singing, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Then thought for a fraction that may be I am the only one; then again, there are too many humans, so I don't think I would be the only one.
I grow afraid that I may be a dreamer and not a doer. Than again, I know that when I set my mind to something, I do become a doer.

Competition

People are competitive, and may be for the wrong reasons. 2 of my friends are going to take the GMAT soon and I hope they get a good score. Why? Well, for one thing, I believe they are extremely intelligent, one more than the other. For another thing, I performed way below my capacity (which is a good defense but may not be accepted as the truth ;)); and lastly, it's only when one gets a good score that one has a chance at changing, adapting or renewing oneself. There are exams, promotions, competitions, awards and to top it all... Money. People keep competing and I sometimes don't like it that way. I like competitors who vanish, and competitors who accept defeat for selfish reasons. I like competitors who don't lose sight of those around them and smile once in a while. I like competitors who, at the least, have a want to do something interesting, meaningful or daunting. I am afraid that I may drop out of this competition one day and I am afraid that the competition is going to be too difficult to tolerate. However, there is always a way. Somehow, we always find that way.

Glen Hansard

Just in case I forget how awesome this performer is; Glen Hansard - Once.
Screams with so much emotion at the end of every song; almost feels as though he cries each time :D

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave...

Take No Logi(c)

I wish, at times, technology had not driven humans to being slaves. No surprises, no astonishment. We live with it each day and nobody is too far away. But still, people are far away. And people are growing less fond of each other. I chat through the web at times, and wonder whether I am chatting with my real friend or is it some artificial intelligence at the other end. Technology, if you think about it, has made everything fake. Emotions are perceived more than they would have been some time ago. Dependence on the internet, the news, the people, the friends, the irrelevant, the curiosity. Nothing is real and yet everything is closer than it ever was. But we all know how this argument pans out. Too many things are possible now, that would not have been possible earlier. This is a useless post, but serves as a reminder of where we are right now. I believe that slowly, there will be a tendency for humans to start escaping civilization, if only for a bit. I know I want to. Looking forward to my 24-28 hour ordeal of getting from Champaign to Mumbai.

I Deserve This!!

People are divided and I see that some will end up being wealthy. Wealth is an interesting measure of distinction. One reason is because wealth is not necessarily earned, and the people of tomorrow, who will be wealthy, may in fact be some of the most undeserving people. You get to see people around you who work harder or work smarter but are not as wealthy.
The reason I focus on wealth is because wealth, above a certain extent makes life easier. Beyond a certain extent, makes life harder.
And that is the funny thing about life. How easy or hard it is always depends on the time period.
Earlier, I made a reference to 'deserve'. I shall always wonder what it means. The idea of 'deserve', I believe, has been created by humans. It has been created to make us feel better, make us have faith and allow us to blame or look up to or look down upon people.
This person deserves to be happy; this person deserves to go to jail; this person deserves a second chance at life...

Humans love creating meaning and reason. We love finding a path to all. Now, when I think about all the times that I have used the word 'deserve', I think about how naive I was (and, may be, still am). People work hard, people work smart and people end up along different points on the spectrum of standing.
The stance may be based on happiness, family, work life, monetary pleasures...
There is no reason why I deserve something.


However, and this is the crucial part, we have to believe that doing what ought to get us to a better place, should be done. It's always a pursuit. I want to work close to the capital markets because I believe it is going to get me nearer to my hope. What if I don't make it far? Just because I believe I am intelligent, doesn't mean that I deserve a throne.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players...

Fear

What do you do if someday someone comes up to you in says, "unless you do this, I will come and do something."?
What can you do? Especially if you're from a country such as India.

An 'accident': Police come to the crime scene and find the culprit; "O, Mr. Mayor... Ok, Ok..."

A burglary: Rich man says to police, "Make sure you beat this guy up! I am sure he must have done it!!"

I wonder how many things can be sorted if legal systems are sorted...

Another take on happiness

Saw a professor from Harvard talking about happiness. He highlighted something important through an example. It was the difference between a guy who had won $314 Mn and one who had become handicapped. (Yes, yes,... 'handicapped' may not be the correct term - but I prefer to say it as it is.)

Going on; people prefer the former scenario to the latter. However, studies have shown that on average, after a certain time period both people are equally happy. To which we would say, 'Yeah right!'

Now, may be this was an extreme scenario - but it made me wonder about happiness. And yes, I believe that in the longer run, we tend to find our way and make peace with happiness. As he called it - Synthetic happiness. This kind is perceived to be bad, but I believe that there is a fine line between the natural and the make believe, and that either one is acceptable. However, looking from afar, the natural happiness is what one craves for.

May be what I am trying to say is this: There are a few things I want right now that I believe will make me happy ('happy' is a crude term and we should agree to that); as of now, this is what I am aiming and hoping for. But I also know (partially due to a wise person) that I will adapt. I am trying to do the best I can and I am weak. People adapt and find happiness and find a way to get through life. Well, most people at least.

Another thing I believe is that, acknowledgement and regret cloud happiness momentarily. Our pursuit of happiness, I believe, stems, to a large extent, from trying to avoid regret. Also, our concept of happiness is the easiest path to attaining happiness, which makes us want to stick to created paths.

Cheers to a lifetime of happiness... Although, I hope I don't become a depressed, pill popping psycho.

Strength

It was a Tuesday night - 3 days before the case competition - and we were working on the case. 2 of my friends were working on the financials and 1 was loafing. I think I was re-reading the legal write-ups and the case itself. Soon, 2 of them left and the 3rd dude finally finished. I asked him to wait for a bit while I quickly reviewed some of the entries. We discussed some matters and made some changes.
The case was such that we had to choose one of two suitors based on certain criteria. Preliminarily, it seemed that Suitor A was clearly the winner.

I remember, the 3rd dude leaving at about 145, 2 am. I thought I'd stay back and work on it for a bit and try to figure out who the real winner was. It turned out that Suitor B was the real winner. The pass-through calculations I made were simple and smart and I was really satisfied when I looked up at 330 am. That was when I laughed.

I laughed because I would have to wake up in 3 hours to get ready for a lecture. But I laughed more because I remembered then what it was like to be really engrossed in what one was doing and how satisfying work is when you really like it. I remember thinking to myself that finance is not particularly difficult and that most people can learn enough to succeed. What is difficult is the gut and the intuition. Something, I believe, I have. What I had done was not particularly ingenious, but it was logical.
Proof: 12 teams competed; only 3 came up with the winning scenario.We were one of those 3.

Kids

Saw snowfall for the first time some days back. It is not snowing that well yet, but its like drizzling snow.
Also, I saw small puddles of ice because the water puddles had frozen over.
Also, ice glazed over car hoods.
I keep going back to being a kid. Even last night, I was acting nutty and flapping my arms. A friend of mine recently said that I like to show people that I am weird. I said that while that was true, what was truer was that I think of kids and how stupid they are and how carefree they are. Somewhere, people become old and start acting in a sane way, as they ought to if they want to belong in society.
What I like doing is challenging the norm; this is what it is. I like to be a kid even now. And this reminded me of a time when I was driving and the kid in the car in front of mine was making faces, so I did what was uncharacteristic of normal behaviour. I challenged him and a battle ensued :D
Look inwards today and ask yourself why you have changed and why you behave the way you do when you are surrounded by different types of humans.

Quotes

“Society is a masked ball,
where every one hides his real character,
and reveals it by hiding” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." - Octavio Paz

"Derivatives are like Sex. It doesn't matter who you sleep with; what matters is who they are sleeping with..." - Warren Buffett

"Thumb-Sucking" - Charlie Munger

"Anything that can't go on forever will end." - Herb Stein

"People ask me where they should go to work, and I always tell them to go to work for whom they admire the most. It's crazy to take little in-between jobs just because they look good on your resume. That's like saving sex for your old age. Do what you love and work for whom you admire the most, and you've given yourself the best chance in life you can." - Warren Buffett

"Cash combined with courage in a crisis is priceless." - WB

"The plumbing thing - I hate it. Basically that's what goes wrong as you get older." - WB

Wine

I was scared that I would change. But of course, I did change. However, my fear stemmed more from my core beliefs about myself and let's say : my holistic aspirations. What that means is up to your imagination...
I don't completely understand why I care about a low standard of living or why I care if people use a fan when they have an air conditioner and it is really hot...
I also don't get why I care so much about continuous electricity or wider roads or more roads or cleaner water or a more sane public...
I don't understand why a part of me boils when I hear or read about ill-treatment of humans; women - usually related to them not being male, inequalities arising from money...
I also smile at myself when I get a chance to look from the outside at a party or an outing where well dressed people are laughing and enjoying themselves. Not that they ought to be concentrating on building wealth or sleeping or rot like that, but that the concept of happiness and contentment varies. I have thought too often about why people dance the way they do and drink the way they do or eat what they do...
I don't know why I smile when I hear of somebody who has just bought his first car, be it a second-hand. It wearies me when I sit in this land and people speak so plainly about vacations or holidays or buying a car or renting a car.
Cultures matter and somehow I believe that the developing world is somewhere in between. We have people who care about family ties and worry about the future and will reluctantly splurge on a particular night.
It amuses me that I have never heard of a second world country. Every country is termed as developed / developing or first / third world. May be, a country such as South Africa or Turkey could be a second world country.
I was scared that I would grow shallow; it has not happened yet.
I don't really see a drive in me to do something outrageous...

It's just that it pains me to think of the place where I have lived my entire life because that place is clearly unjust and below its potential. Not saying that ' Yes!! we can do this!!! '
I am just saying that the society that I belong in functions in a particular way due to 1 - Bureaucracy ; 2 - Literacy; 3 - Apathy; 4 - Legalities. Or lack of all these.

What every entrepreneur does is build a small collection of people individually - which is fantastic. And may be, that is the Indian model of development.
I believe that people have just accepted that infrastructure will always lag.
I don't understand why I have not officially complained against regional developers... I ought to; but there is this weird situation where we know that any 'office' that we will complain to, will be full of apathetic brownies. If we manage to get past that stage, we have also accepted that accountability has not been seen and enforcement has not been seen. We have accepted that there is no consequence to any of such potential actions. So have I.

I hope that one day I can find the courage or may be the conviction to do something. Most probably I won't do it alone and will need some backing from a friend or two dozen.

This is a very sad post because it serves no real purpose; then again, none of my other posts have any purpose either.

Aches

In the last 3 days, I have used my free time to rid myself of my neck ache, at least partially. I tried to figure out, as much as possible, why I was / am such a waste; there is no real answer but some blocks have fit well. Just aching to get back to work, and have come to realize that I am pretty open to working in Mumbai again. I also believe that money or the speed at which I make it is not as important to me (currently) as is the quality of work I do and how well I gain from it. My doomsday prediction has also messed up my chain of thoughts. I also realize that I worry needlessly, because, when I look around I see that I can offer something of greater value than what others around me can. In addition, I am trying to do the best I can and therefore, wherever I land, as long as it is a decently intelligent and well paying finance job, I should be alright. I portray myself as though I am whining, but I don't really whine, I only worry.

And now I got thinking of priorities. What are our respective priorities? Or lack thereof? Sit back for a while and think; it is a pretty amusing game. Think of all that you worried about today and all the worries that you will go to sleep with. It surprises me each time when I worry, and I usually end up saying that 'everything is temporary'.

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Was confused as to where this post ought to belong.

People ain't no good

We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word
People they ain't no good


Hilarious!!!

How does it feel?

So how does it feel
When you see a bum on the road?
When you see a man in orange shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking tobacco from a pipe...
When you see a lady cooking something homely without a concern about whether people will like it or not...
When you see a little boy fighting with his friends because he wants to be the goal keeper...
When you see a rat moving about trying to find food...
When you see a dog limping because a car ran over his leg...
When you are in the same place and you see the sun looking at you and slowly fading away...
When leaves fall before winter, only to grow back in spring...
When you see a couple fighting or disgruntled...
When you meet a person who does not know you but asks, "How are you!!??"...
When you see people passing a blind woman who clearly needs help crossing the road...

When you sit at a table and a person you know is no longer the same because he is trying to create conversations and stories and therefore make the social experience relatively pain free...

When you watch people meeting each other after a long time and they say, "How have you been!!!??? Good... What else?" and then they start staring away because there is nothing left that is even slightly meaningful;
They then go on to start topics of global, social, religious or communal importance...

When you sit next to a friend and there is no real conversation transpiring, but it is peaceful...

When you see a baby clutching at people and looking around...

When you hear or read or see proof that the city you live in is not as safe for women as you would want it to be...

When you see yourself, and how you have aged, and how you have accepted things, and how you have molded your beliefs, and how you care so much about money and comforts, and how you have stopped loving your family because it is now taken for granted as a part of your mundane life, and why you cannot remember your purpose in your life, and you do not know the last time you wanted a real vacation and actually had a real vacation, and how you are just passing through life.

Wise Statement

Excerpt from what a wise person once said:
" ... hopefully I'll go... hopefully I'll like the place I live in... hopefully the job I take up will make me happy... it worries me that this isn't the path for me...
..what if this isn't the path for us...

...we are all doing the best we can with what we have"

Some of us are trying to do the best that we can with what we have.
Best, depends on keeping the non-work aspects of our life in equilibrium.
I do not want to change who I am based on my career goals.

Bafoons

There are dum fuks all around.
There are witless, brainless snails crawling all around us.
Clutching and gnawing to get ahead.
The funny bit is, they do!
However, I have to accept these brainless bafoons simply because I am a part of society.
Even though this answer seems mundane.
At least these idiots make me laugh :)

I don't think I am reaching anywhere.
I see myself in India by May / June 2010.
:-(

Decisions and Fear

I think to myself - too often and too much for my own good.
I thought the other day that it completely reasonable to assume that I will not get a job in the US after MSF, nor will I get a job anywhere else.
In which case, I will be going back to India.
What then?
The idea of being away from this field that I love, is sad.
There will definitely be pressure to work with my Dad and I will do my best not to work there.
Then again, will it be possible to shun a ready, stable and strong financially business for ambitions?
It scares me.
I believe in myself - in terms of my capacity to resist pressure and in terms of my potential in this field.
I could fail, but the chances of my success based on my understanding of myself are very high.
It shall be a joyous ride.

India

India scares me.
It is because I don't feel safe in that country.
The legal system is so weak that very few would think of approaching it.
I don't feel that there is any sort of protection against crimes.
What would you do if someone you know is attacked?
What can you do (as a girl) if you are sexually assaulted?
I am scared of policemen in India - and I believe most of us are.
We know the way they speak to the 'common people' - and it is appalling.
We bribe our way through almost everything; education, traffic, licenses, legalities, property issues, law enforcement, taxation.
I could in effect get someone arrested and beaten up if I had adequate (not necessarily a lot of) money.
If my company wants to raise money, the legal enforcement to protect creditors is not present, therefore money is not as freely available.
There is no great M&A market.
What respite does an employee have if he/she is wrongfully sacked?
Some politicians are known to have criminal backgrounds.
What do you about religious/fundamentalist political parties?
If people from Shiv Sena come and burn my car, what can I do?
If I am driving late at night and a cop pulls me over, he could in effect ask me to sexually service him with the threat of beating me up and throwing me in jail for the night, feigning any reason that he could use against me.
What if a woman is driving home at that point of time?
India is a country where even marginally rich people are more equal than poorer people.
Why do you think it is so difficult to ask for decent roads?
Why don't we have electricity in parts of major cities - sometimes?
Why is infrastructure so neglected?
Why are government offices never expected to be overhauled?
The country will never succeed unless there is accountability and legal enforcement.
Growth rate is one thing.
Happiness, welfare and security is another.

Excerpt

At a Train station - man speaking to Dagny Taggart

"I don't like the thing that's happening to people, Miss Taggart."
"What?"


" I don't know. But I've watched them for twenty years and I've seen the change. They used to rush through here, and it was wonderful to watch, it was the hurry of men who knew where they were going and were eager to get there.
Now they are hurrying because they are afraid.
It's not a purpose that drives them, it's fear.
They're not going anywhere, they're escaping.
And I don't think they know what it is they want to escape.
They don't look at one another. They jerk when brushed against.

They smile too much, but it's an ugly kind of smiling; it's not joy, it's pleading.

I don't know what it is that's happening to the world."
He shrugged.

"Oh well, who is John Galt?"




Atlas Shrugged was written by Ayn Rand in 1957.

25 things about myself

25 thinks abaaawt maaaa shelf
Originally posted on Facebook Friday, February 13, 2009 at 11:38am


B coz the coz causes grave frustration and becoz life is an experiment n becoz peepal dont go to blogs
here i lay myself bare - not naked coz tht wud be gross.

1. I like messing with the English language because it is completely illogical. Pronunciations are not like spellings and spellings are illogical. Which is why I like riting like dhis at tymes.

2. I like talking to myself - not that it is uncommon; I know it is fairly common; but I like talking to myself as if I were talking to a person standing opposite me. . . Anybody seen the Secret Window?
"I wonder why he did that. . . " -- "Yeah . . even I do, I think he did that because so and so . . "
That is how I talk to myself.

3. I wave my hands like a bird and walk at times, or I walk hopping at times or moving my mouth because I am actually talking to myself and not like the cowards who talk in their head.
I wave my hands because I love what children are - completely oblivious to society.

4. I miss myself so much at times that I like going away alone, like this one time that I stayed overnight at Lonavala alone, drove alone, ate alone, slept alone, read a book alone, walked alone, got tired alone.
Next Mission: Mahabaleshwar alone for 3 days

5. I laugh at people everyday because they are just so stupid - please refer to my blog for more intricate details. Blog named "Hilarious Fools"

6. I love being weird, such that I prefer wierd to weird. No point being mundane. Which makes me wonder at time whether I am purposely wierd or naturally stupid.

7. I start laughing at times even in the midst of my friends without there being a reason for laughter.
Once I laughed so much I had to bend down and grab my knees so that I would not fall. And when Ishan and Chickoo (my friends) asked me what happened; I had nothing to say.

8. I believe in euthanasia and do not understand the difference between suicide and euthanasia.

9. I do not believe in the existence of a higher power, god, etc. It does not seem right. In fact, it sounds hilarious.

10. I have lost the will to read fiction especially after reading a few of Ayn Rand's creations.
I hate that beach (another misuse of the English language)

11. I like reading useful newspapers (business news) and useless newspapers (HT Cafe, BT, etc.)
Normal news is so stupid and irrelevant that I stick to a headline for approximately 0.15 seconds.

12. I get scared of people because they are so stupid at times.
Eg. Someone might find something offensive written here and come to kill me - not that I am of any importance - but hey, that guy must be so lukkha that he has nothing better to do than to kill me.

13. I aim to build a hospital, a school, a college, an orpahnage, an old people's home and if possible, multiplications of the same thereafter.

14. I hate girls because they make me look at them because they are pretty at times.
Clarification: I never stare and always make it a point to keep my mouth shut even if someone is drop dead gorgeous - precisely why I hate them.
Firstly, they look pretty; secondly, they don't like guys staring at them.
Eventually a guy has to pretend to not have looked at them.
It's a sad sad situation (Elton John - even though he is gay).

15. I like pretending I am gay, because that is the simplest way of getting people to accept them as part of us. I do not like homphobics (alas! the stupid dominate the world).
Gay Sera Sera

16. I am a romantic fool.

17. I don't like photos where people look at the camera and smile.
Make it real!!!

18. I am proud of my academic achievements but realise that ki farak paindaaaaaa. Because it already does not matter.

19. I like not talking to my close friends at times - it feels nice.

20. I am a perpetually frustrated soul who has realised that he will never be happy.
21. I wore a turquoise / blue / navy Hawaiian style shirt with beige shorts, black socks, red shoes and a blue bracelet for a funky themed party.

22. I love Biryani and am still searching for the ultimate biryani. It is sad, how underrated that dish is. The smell sometimes tends to fill my tummy.

23. I feel glad when people call me wierd, stupid, pagal, crazy, joker, etc.

24. I love Garfield, The Joker, Howard Roark, Calvin and Tirath.

25. I love being impulsive at times and actually carrying on action based on impulse. It is the closest I can be to an animal.

26. I like crying.

27. I can recite the alphabet backwards.

28. I discovered a formula in Maths in 6th Std.

29. I hate stupid but stupid makes me laugh if I am in to mood for it.

30. I am bad at counting.

Aging

It is purpose that drives us all. Purpose, when we were younger, used to be pretty immediate. The next homework, the next time we can go out to play, the next tasty treat, waiting till one can cuddle up in bed. Purpose somehow tends to become stretched farther away from the immediate future. As we grow, we plan more. We plan for things because we believe that that will lead us to our plateau of happiness. The purpose changes to having a great family, a long lived relationship, a one night stand each day, a trek to a far away place, a well paying job, a great car, a nice plate of food at a good restaurant and/or social status. It is interesting to note how we change our purpose; not the purpose itself but the magnitude or the immediacy of the purpose. Instant gratification is all we have left that leads us back to our roots. Ignorance is bliss, and I love that statement. One amusing turning point in some people's lives is retirement. Some like to postpone it because they enjoy their work life or hectic life, some like to postpone it because they are afraid of such a drastic change, some wait for it because all the things that they want to do post-retirement are chalked out.

It amuses me that we spend 20-25 years of our lives learning how to live our lives and earn money, the next 35-45 years are spent battling society and competition, striving to excel and reach goals. What is left, when we are too old to do some sorts of physical activities, we try to use that time to 'enjoy' ourselves.
It amuses me that we are kids till our 20's and then we become responsible adults and start waiting for parenthood. Our parents always see their kids in us even though we may be 40 years old.
It amuses me that we will barely ever empathize with our parents because by the time we are that age, we would have forgotten what our original relationship was exactly like.
It amuses me when I see people spending time with other people whom they don't even like. It is never easy to be non-nice.
It fascinates me whenever I hear certain songs that are well written and are open to interpretation.
It fascinates me whenever I think of my past and what I had been, have become and am becoming.
For now, I wait for the 2 relatively immediate moments.
Just waiting till the shine wears off.

English

The english that the world is learning nowadays is american english. I realized this a while ago. Whenever I see a non-native speaker around my campus, I see that the english that they speak and therefore believe to be the 'one and only form of english' is american.
Nothing wrong with that... but it is interesting to note how english has left the UK to become an American identity.

Yesterday, one guy asked me "What language do you speak back home?"
The answer surprised me - when I said that I speak 3 languages on a daily basis and for all practical purposes, english is in fact my native language or my first language.

It is also interesting to note that the British, the Australian, the New Zealanders or the Americans might have their typical way of using the language - however, the Indian way is not used as confidently by Indians as is by the aforementioned nationalities.

I believe (and that is the flaw - believe) that if an Australian comes to the US he will not switch to the American accent. However, many Indians will. Much of it has to do with the speed with which we speak english and the fact that as an Indian it is mildly difficult to speak in english only, as we Indians usually use english in conjunction with some other 'native' language.

Some people may come to believe that I have issues with people speaking in non-native accents. That is not entirely true.
What I do have a problem with is the partial accents (It's almost there but not quite) and the temporary accents (changes as the colour of the addressee changes).
Even the partial accents I will very willingly accept, however the temporary accents are just hilarious.

Bubblegum v/s Suit

There is a difference between a guy chewing bubblegum explaining something - about let's say the chemical industry - intuitively and a guy wearing a suit standing at a podium and presenting to an audience of many people and talking theoretically.

There is a reason why people are impressed with marketing people or verbose people. The skill of putting things in prettier, more technical or more impressive words is highly appreciated and often overlooked.

But such is human behavior.
We form judgments based on first impressions.

FaceBook

I wonder if Facebook is a stalking device.
It is just so very sad that technology has removed the element of "who knows!!??"
I have written about this before. So shall not write again.

People

People like talking about other people. If it pertains to people who matter and people who you care about - may be that is pardonable.
However, people talk about other people who really do not matter to them.
It's fun to listen to.

Another case: Dude talking about the derivatives class. "People have got so badly burnt in derivatives; it all depends on luck. You know, derivatives is like playing poker with sharks. One day you will definitely get killed."
I laugh in my head.

The road ahead - 7 months and less

Time flies by and I miss you each day. How did things come to this and where shall things go from here? I sit here as I see the sunny sky and I look for my purpose. There is nothing in my head and I cry to myself. I cry to myself as I long for sleep. I am deprived of joy and crave for a high. My heart burns now, as I see things that are not really real. It is all in my head and may be I go nowhere. All that is there is pretense. Eventually, everything pans out well methinks. However, I cannot help but whine. For now, I believe there are 2 broad things that I need to attain and those 2 things ought to make me stable in my outlook. This is what makes happiness a pursuit. It's all about a hope and I have made no contingencies. I am scared of what things will be like if I don't attain these 2 things. Then again, memories are short and life has a way of paving a road. A few tears here and there, and I should be alright.

Sadness Prevails

I face dilemmas, like most other creatures.
If I don't care about a subject, it is difficult for me to contribute even reasonably to it.
My primary concern as of now is to land a job - one that I want.
I feel tired
I feel strained
Because, somehow I just do not have a nice plan chalked.
Then again, very few people do.
Then again, I should not care about others' behaviors.
Frankly, I am scared.
The repercussions of me not landing a favorable job are, well, unthinkable.
In addition to this, there is something very high on my priority list - may be as important as the job - that I need to settle upon reaching India.

The fundamental issue is due to my belief that I am way above mediocre.
In addition, what I want to create is questionable and distant.
The problem is desires.
If my desires were set low, I would have been alright.

I sometimes wonder if I am capable of doing all that I dream of.
Capability stems from capacity and from perseverance.
Wonder if I have it in me to slug it out.

Mr. Nobody

There are people who I laugh at - in my head.
Sometimes I just cannot tolerate them.
I saw today, that I have nothing against people who cannot talk well in english.
I saw that those people are trying very hard to fit into a different world.
People have ambitions and people strive to reach them.

There are people, who I believe have a potential to succeed, be it socially, be it materially, be it based on happiness.
The will and the steady head is amiss at times.

I realised one thing yesterday night... it was that the people who I truly like - I have not judged them.
It is clearly an anomaly, but works out well for me.

People love to seem impressive.
People love to follow things that could make them seem impressive.
"The Subprime crisis is crazy!" - People will love murmuring about it.

I write these things about people - but I know who I am.
Mr. Nobody.

Gobblers

Open your mouths and eat all that you can!!
You filthy creatures sitting all around!
There is nothing that you shall grow up to be!!
For there is nothing nutritious about the things you can digest...
It is what you create - that determines your value.
May be.

I am sitting in a classroom where the 'professor' is teaching something very elementary.
Secondly, this particular professor has rigid beliefs: "Debt is good! Because you get a tax benefit!"

There are people around who do not care or enjoy or love finance as much as I do. The deal is, in effect, I am saying that I am great.
But greatness is relative and - simply - I know that I am nothing.
But nothing is also relative.


It is sad that I have a belief that I am good.


This warrants me to appreciate Prof. Brooke. She is a hulk when it comes to teaching. Real examples, real cases, all opinions welcome and she will strike down stupid opinions without appearing demeaning. One just knows that she works really hard to build her course to make it amazing. Hopefully she does well in her career.

Random

People will never cease to amuse me. There are questions. There are answers. Most of them worthless. People do not have any real motive. Things are just done. There is a need to impress others. There is a want to be someone who one is clearly not. But where is the difference. There is a lot of weightage given to how impressive one can appear to be. The problem with most studies is, studies need to be quantified and detailed. At least now, that is the case. In the past, one could form opinions and that would be good enough. I believe that the world is struggling to be independent. There is a need to be a part. Then again, there is another thought that believes people have become much more independent.
May be what I am hinting at is that the number of people who can be independent is very small as compared to the herd. And may be that is how the world can best function. It may be human nature in itself - dominance is possible only when there are 'lesser' people.