Turn

It is a gift - a mind that thinks and questions. As I walked into that gargantuan marriage function after a train ride, I couldn't help but wonder if the 1000 odd people there actually cared for the married couple. I'm pretty sure they didn't. I disdain this show, this farce, this parade for the benefit of an ogling audience which munches on copious amounts of digestibles. I wore a simple kurta and jeans and I saw people uncomfortable in tight clothes of western origin - I smirked as the wind found its way up my kurta and de-stressed me. A few pleasantries exchanged and luckily I met my childhood friend who was getting married; customs dictate that I wait by and get a photo clicked with him and his wife. Luckily, I didn't care for that. He saw me and I had come there because he was a nice childhood friend, who after years away still took the effort to invite me to his marriage functions. I am sentimental (and mental) and I do these things. I hold on to simple memories and I like keeping my word.
I walked out and decided to walk to the station, through people on the pavements, people huddled around a fire, a naked child and the filth of Mumbai metres away from a lavish spread of people. I sang a little song at my lips, crossed the street and found my way back home.
I had accepted a certain fact - that I was going to be stuck here, but something seems to have changed. It may be momentary but my longing mind reaches out to the years ahead and hopes against logic.

Seriously!

Was listening to the radio today... yes... radio still rocks!! Anyways... someone said... "I don't take myself too seriously; I see quite a few spiritual types who become very serious - that is when I get bored." I couldn't help but smile with fondness. Suits are dangerous and so are the people within. Life is a bit of a joke and it's best to dance your way through it. It is a bit of a jolt that I received in the last year regarding the importance of sincerity and the futility of seriousness.
And hence, quite a bit of my hair was coloured purple and may be why I mustered up the courage to sing regularly at karaoke and may be why I wear more colours on myself and may be why I decided to begin meditating on a regular basis and may be why I started paying attention to my fitness and may be why I love music at a different level now. The peeps are a little missing... but the peeps shall be found... here's to life y'all. Here's to life. 

To Life

I spoke to a friend from Junior College yesterday and it took me back to those days. How I detest and love who I used to be... I still don't know why it took me such a long time to become comfortable with myself. I used to be insecure and now some people see me as quite self-assured; I believe I'm just a shadow of my past now. It frightens me when I think of how enjoyable life is right now but yes, the core of man's spirit comes from new experiences. Gosh, how I love my 'profession'. Very odd that be. Let the music flow. Cherish the alcohol. Stay away from boring people. Do new things. Look into the horizon. Pay due respect to the mice. 42. Always know where your towel is.

Much

Today, while driving, the thing that connects the steering wheel to the right front tyre broke. Luckily, I was at the traffic signal and not driving per se. It is inconceivable what might have happened had I been driving...
Then, thanks to my ovarian lottery, there was somebody from home, a driver, who came to my 'rescue'. We flagged down a towing van and got the car back home. 1.5 hours have been encapsulated into 2 sentences; but such is our memory. We forget things quite easily and rather effortlessly.
There is much to live for and I have seen myself drift away from this ideology. Many people go through this phase when they think, "OMG, there is just so much to live for. When I see how people around me are living, and when I see how good my quality of life is on a relative basis, it just makes so much sense to live it up!"
But as I said earlier, our memory deceives us. We forget often, that which needs to be remembered.
My driving ordeal and the movie I am watching right now, Guzaarish, make me think of the things I have going for me and how easily some of those things could be taken away from me. I know that this is only a fleeting feeling - I will forget it soon. Sadly, this feeling needs to be cherished! :)
Carpe Diem. I really want to live it up and want to let go of my inhibitions. Even though this is a message that ought to go in my personal diary, I felt like writing it here. I felt like keeping this thought open to the world. This post, like many others that I write, will melt away into obscurity.
I have gone through a life where I have been an outstanding student. I have secured brilliant marks and distinctions. Those, now, are quite useless. I have seen myself outperform in personal forums, I have seen my weaknesses and I have seen that which makes me superior to many others. I have gone through bouts of,  what I would really prefer calling, depression. I have felt helpless, useless and inferior. I have felt alone, aimless and unhealthy. I am 24 years old now and I have started seeing life in a different light. There is much to live for and I am excited.
I heard from a friend the other day (it was said to her by a doctor), "What's wrong with you?! This is your time to look good and feel good!" "You heard what I said to him right? No-one!!! is worth dying for".
The doctor was referring to how little people tend to care of themselves and how, at times, they put unnecessary people and events before them.

We humans are unbelievable. There is a lot to live for. I hope my memory serves me well.

Into the Wild

Chris / Alex McCandless wrote well.

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is hit passion for adventure.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

"You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience."

This is from the book "Into the Wild" and the above quotes are Alex's own.
The last quote he negates before death when he notes:

"And so it turned out that only a life similar to life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness... And this was most vexing of all. HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."

Did he have to go through his ordeal to realise this? Could he have been one of the very few who actually realised this? I ask because most of us don't know the other possibility, of living without society and love.


The book is quite excellent. It's not as glorious as the movie but is sobering. Jon Krakauer is the author and he expressed his compassion for the kid in the introduction/ foreword. There are two chapters which I really liked. One in which Jon talks of other weirdos/ loners/ pursuers and the other when he describes his youth and his journey to Alaska to conquer Devil's Thumb. Fantastic stuff.
I enjoyed the part where when he came back to the town and recited his tale to the town folk, they didn't seem to care :)
I relished the part where he compared his ... well... this is the statement (He was 23 years old then):
"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept as non-Euclidean geometry or marriage."

This book and books like this make one realise how shallow a city-dweller's journey can be. Yes.

127 Hours

The movie rocks. There was two scenes that reminded me of me.
1. Aron Ralston (James Franco) as a kid with big specs and his father takes him to a part of the canyon to see the sunrise.
I have thought of this a few times; if I ever choose to or am fortunate enough to have a kid I would love to go trekking with him, away from the city to a secluded part of earth. It's something that I'm sure I would not enjoy with my girlfriend or wife.

2. When Aron just realises that he is trapped and says something for the first time.
While walking on the Sheltowee trail in the Red River Gorge; I had been walking for two hours or so and then I said, "I haven't heard my voice for quite a while." That is the first human sound I had heard in two hours or so.
The feeling was precious and I hold it very dear.

1000 Awesome Things

http://1000awesomethings.com/

http://www.ted.com/talks/neil_pasricha_the_3_a_s_of_awesome.html

Take a step back - life can be simple. Believe it.

Marion Grasby

Masterchef Australia contestant - Marion Grasby.
I remember, when I first saw her in the competition I fell in love with her :) She had the most adorable smile. And then I saw how respected she became through the competition.
It's amazing to see the other contestants sing praises and literally be afraid of facing off against her. It was a shock when she was eliminated - it was a shock for me too...
All I can see is the joy, energy and enthusiasm she has when she cooks, her competition said often that the food that Marion prepares "pops in your mouth" full of flavour.

The reason I am blogging about her is that people like her deserve mention. Singers and dancers on reality shows come and go but this particular show just shows the enthusiasm, guts and creativity that some of the contestants have.

I wonder if I will ever go to Australia, and if I do, will I get to eat a preparation by Marion :)

Bottles and Corks

There is a very strong post by a guy whose blog I read quite regularly.
The reason I am saying this is that for the past few days I have been thinking of working towards something concrete.
I have an immense passion for global financial markets but I cannot find a way to dedicate a large portion of my intellect and time to it; I also hope to make this society better, be it for selfish reasons... Buildings lack planning, safety and common sense, roads are narrow and flyovers or highways take too long to take physical shape, we live in a dirty dirty city where people seem agitated at every moment and relaxation is an endeavour.
I hope to find the courage to leave this race and do something meaningful.
I would really like to join an organisation that actively does some intelligent and decisive work at tackling issues that we face.
Meaningful? "Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." John Lennon said that and well, I just love travelling and meeting new people and old friends. What's stopping me from just taking in a bit of this one life that I have (Yes, I don't believe in rebirth and rebirth, if true, is quite inconsequential as a belief in this 'present' life).

Carpe Diem: Robin Williams made it popular... but what follows these 2 words in the original statement is important;
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, trusting as little as possible in the future". I don't think this is a cynical statement, I take it to be a opportunistic and rude statement that hits you just once in a while.

Allow me to cite my Nick Drake here..."So I leave the ways that are making me be, what I really dont want to be."

The industrialized world coined the term 'giving back to society' - I say 'Let's give something to us, coz we barely have much.' And don't start citing poorer nations... I don't care about them as much as I do about me and us.

Rumination

Europe has changed me for the better (or less worse). Today, I attended a lecture on 'superparticles' which could be a part of particle physics; may be for the first time I sat for a lecture without the compulsion to learn and remember and that made the lecture quite enjoyable...
I read about Sufjan Stevens, Casimir Pulaski, Nick Drake, Modigliani and I see the horror that this society has transformed into...
I still thank my friend for telling me about Into the Wild because it made me sincerely question materialism. Yes, yes ... I'm not a complete disaster yet (or would I be called a victor?).
We still have artists and brilliant scientists in our midst (not so much in our midst, but you get the vibe...) however, they don't seem to be as strong as earlier. They seem weak, succumbing to the lure of materialism which is understandable but deplorable for society as a whole.

Yes, a decade from now people might appreciate some artists whom we don't right now but I don't see a painter, a sculptor, a writer or a poet then... I see successful bands which will have made people happy not through their art but through their canvas.

I said that Europe has been beneficial because I saw a weird joy in people - as the french say "joie de vivre" which means "the joy of living". I see in India people who are old at 25 years of age where the only form of them being young is partying and boozing (extreme generalization).

Next week I'm going for a contemporary dance performance at the NCPA. Will I like it? I don't know but it's a brilliant mode of escapism.


I love the world of particle physics and quantum physics - particularly because it is so difficult to imagine some of the things postulated or proven.
2 galaxies colliding 4 billion light years away?
A very small amount of energy in daily life, such as 1TeV, which is difficult to 'create' or 'capture'...
Weakly Interacting Massive Particles which could hold the key to finding a 'theory of everything'. For the record, experiments are underway in a mine where supercooled Germanium crystals are used to capture the faintest of vibrations from particles such as WIMPs.

Take a step back my friend and you will see how inconsequential our lives are...
We live for 60-90 years.
We pursue money and affection.
We are heartbroken and we feel loved.
We sleep less, we sleep too much, we smile too little, we are serious and not as jovial as we ought to be...
You ask me why I loved Into the Wild?
Here's why:



"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."
— Chris McCandless

Passing Thoughts

When will pleasing your boss annoy you?
When will you stop floating through life?
Why don't you go out and eat good food or try something new?
Are you really scared of the next morning because it's as mundane as yesterday's?
How much will you regret things if you were to die right now?
Do you want to push away things that make you smaller?

Bhutan

A country that has decided to protect itself from probable careless tourists, especially backpackers who may litter in uninhabited places.
Mountaineering is banned and Gangkhar Puensum - the highest peak in Bhutan - remains the highest unclimbed peak in the world.

Prime Minister Lyonchhen Jigmi Y. Thinley once said, "We are losing our humanness to become robots programmed to be productive through endless labour so as to earn to consume more and more without satisfaction."

Beautiful article written in The Mint - Lounge, July 24th 2010.

OMG!! It's soooo beautiful!!!

There is an infantile joy in travelling. Even though I have been to many places, I remember only a few. In the recent past I have seen London, Paris, Hong Kong, Chicago, Red River Gorge, Murud-Janjira and Korlai Fort (rather magnificent); may be this is more than what most people might see even in their lifetime and more than many people might have seen in their recent past but I don't want to stop.
I have friends in Kazakhstan, Taiwan, Greece, South Korea and I want to go to these places even if for a few days, but more than these places I want to go to nature. Being from Mumbai, nature is rather elusive and getting away from the city is pleasurable.

I wish to visit Patagonia, Antarctica, Hawaii, East India, North India, South India, New Zealand, Scandinavia, South Germany and may be I will. May be I will find my treasures in other locations...
The structure of society is such that soon I will want to 'be' with somebody. I hope that that somebody likes travelling (at least almost) as much as I do and the odds are that she will.
What does bother me (yes, I can't sleep at night because of this thought!!) is the wresting away of my independence for I wont be able to just leave my home on a whim... Life is beautiful :)

Happiness

It's a Sunday and I was watching a movie - The Great Indian Butterfly.

"Happiness is a rare insect."

As that statement reached my ears, I smiled for I was sipping on tea and watching this movie - was calm and at ease. Life is pretty simple if we only take a deep breath.

Joy changes to Fear

Stephanie D'sa-Colaco wrote this,


"When did the joy of making a choice reduce itself to the fear of making another mistake?"


The rest of her note is pretty awesome too:

When did I get too old for hugs?
I remember the fragrance of my grandma’s hair.
It smelled of everything good and sacrosanct.
Being encircled in her arms without any morose thought tainting the moment.

When did relationships get so complicated?
‘I love u’ used to be a declaration, a fact.
It never made one vulnerable and I was always certain of a reply.

When did the rain become so melancholy?
I remember ‘forgetting’ my umbrella and arriving drenched but with soaring spirits.
The cool droplets coloring my vision made the world seem new and refreshing.
Now I hide, confined in my mind while those old visions disintegrate.

As the days go by and I find every decision harder than the last, I find myself looking into the mirror, engrossed in my soliloquy.




'Tis the tale of a sorry life, a life that we have withdrawn to.
People like saying 'Carpe Diem' and quoting from fascinating movies trying to show to the world they are something they are not. The Fight Club is the first movie that comes to mind.
But more often than not, the quotes are more about that which they would want to be and the hope that it carries along with it.

Extremes are difficult and rather stupid. But take a step today and find the child within.

Desires

He said to his friend, "Hey, when you get done with school, if you want, we can go away backpacking through Europe."
Some months later, he quit his job. He went backpacking through Europe for three months.
Now, he secured a job with a great firm, he bought a house by a lake and has a boat docking area. The job pays well and he now has, what seems to be, an excellent house.

Food for thought?

Fined yourself

What is it about songs that makes them anchors for our memories? What I'm referring to are not visual memories, rather they are emotional or may be subconscious memories. I was listening to Eddie Vedder's creations for the OST of Into the Wild:
"They think of me and my wandering but I'm never what they thought."
"When I stand beside her, I am the better man."
Before you believe me referring to love, let me say in the words of the Joker (Heath Ledger):
I'm not. No, I'm not.

The crux of this write-up is, what I would like to call, a mixture of rumination and self-actualization. The first line I wrote above used to signify something about me, something that I understood very well and that I allowed to fit for me. When I heard the same sentence today, I was in awe simply because the physical manifestation (heavy words :| ) of that sentence was evident in my Kentucky trip, but the actual feeling of that sentence was missing.

It's time to go back to who you used to be, if only to remember how you used to be and what you stood for because there is something unique about every one of us and we fail to exercise that. We let life conquer us and we accept a different form of contentment.
Wrong? No.

It's a tough battle, and may be, it's not even a battle. May be I am thinking to much as I always do - but this is me and I believe I love me :)

Use and Throw

Sounds like being with a prostitute, but may be that's who we are. We consume and we throw. We consume out of addiction, pleasure, hope, boredom, and need. What am I referring to? Chocolates, food, friends, lovers, feelings, dreams.
The point I am driving in is that in the long run, things tend to be for the short term, very few things remain with us or rather, very few things we choose to keep with us. By the time we are at our respective life's end, most of us will have very few things in our hearts as we did a long time ago (from then).

We tend to get saturated, we change, we get bored of them, we move our attention to a different thing and we learn to let go.
A lot of me is locked up in Champaign and a lot of me is locked in material possessions and my past and current relationships, but those things are also with me. I believe this also holds true for other people.
So tomorrow, when you realize that you use and you throw, realize that the hollow in the stomach is bound to arise but it is also a continual process that tends to tone down as we grow old.

Freedom to be Independent

"My dad is a guy and so he has an ego; as a girl I understand that I have to feed his ego."
There are very few people who make me smile; this is about a friend:
We were good friends quite a few years ago, and I went away - hence we were and are no longer the same friends we used to be. She loves dancing and she loved teaching. She seemed aimless and was trying to pursue something she really didn't want to do; finally she took a step and started teaching at a school. The kids are young and she loves kids. Money is not the motive right now and that always makes decisions simpler. I asked her today whether she loves what she is doing. There was a pregnant pause and I had to interject; 'Is there something else you would prefer doing?'. She then replied, 'Not really, I really enjoy what I am doing.' She went on to say how she would love to be a dance instructor; she has the fundamental credentials to match her ambition. She has done 5 stages of salsa and had learnt through Terence Lewis's academy, etc. I wonder where she is headed, but it makes me smile each time I think of her because I know that she is near something she, largely, looks forward to each day.

It makes me sad when I think of the pressures and ancestral baggage that girls and women in India have to carry; however, the changing face of Indian society gives me hope. What is still lacking is the freedom of a woman to be independent combined with a woman's intent to fight for the freedom which is attainable...
Intent to fight for the Freedom to be independent. Food for thought.

Struggle

T : Why do we struggle?

Sura: asking such questions bothers me, makes me feel like i might be missing something. but i ask them regardless. i think its about being able to achieve our potential, but i also think its a never-ending quest. is there a point to it all? i ask. and this takes me back to devdutts gymnosophist.
one more question that pops up is: what would happen if we decide to be, just be, you know? screw potential, screw what we 'could be'. and put some effort in being happy, content, and satisfied.
i think the questions that we are asking ourselves right now, and are trying to answer, wont bother us once we have something to do. like when we get jobs. its an almost empty mind, despite the stupid courses we are pursuing, that is to be blamed. and i'm also sure we will ask these again when we miss a promotion while on the job. thats how it is. we need to come to terms, and decide when we want to stop pushing.

T: When I think of an Icelandic rock band that used to perform but has been on a hiatus for some years now... I think of, well... they did something, n now they feel like chilling...
One big factor, I believe, is the standard (or ease) of life in the country where we reside. If the small things in life were simpler, people would live more and struggle less.. Then again, there is an ego to live up to, no (Ah! The Indian English!!) ?
Something that needs to be continually assessed is the end goal... what is it that we want to achieve? Is it the money, is it a cozy house & a family, is it a small vacation once in a while... is it peace and solitude... is it the arts and the books and the music and the movies? There is no point to most things... we tend to create a point to most things, which, in effect, is equivalent. One thing that we Indians are going through now is the freedom and the choice that this partially vibrant economy and culture is giving us... Our parents never had that opportunity... Freedom gives rise to sadness, because the small wants increase. May be that is why I just like quitting things once in a while... Just to go away and take a look from without. We struggle because we choose to... reminds me of the Oracle.
"You didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand *why* you made it. I thought you'd have figured that out by now."
And this has been tied in with destiny and fate and all that jazz... Fk that shit... thing happen, things will happen, we control and we believe we control...
And this reminds me of Pippin
"All shall fade..."
And this reminds me of this impressive mind that I meet often, he looked into my eyes and said... " Dekha jaayega, phaaada jaayega"