Fund

So I have started what can be termed as a proprietary fund and at times when I think back at what I have been through and what I am currently going through, especially the last 4-5 months, I feel fortunate for having access to such an opportunity. I already see myself developing in odd ways. However, the risks are difficult to comprehend.
As an employee, one's issues are competitive and seniority oriented. One looks forward to promotions, appreciation, beating another person in the team/ company, getting recognition from a senior but is never too worried because diligence tends to pay off.
As an owner and as a fund manager who is responsible for a corpus, everyday is an intellectual and mental struggle which is also very rewarding because of the freedom and control and lack of fear. However, the risks are such that I could not have comprehended them a year ago. Here I am, sitting on a corpus which needs to be invested, but I am slothy about it because it needs to be deployed qualitatively and carefully - not rapidly for the quick buck. The strain of sitting on cash is quite something. The strain of waiting for an investee company to perform is also difficult to adjust to because in a normal business, one is more in control of what is happening whereas here, one has to hope for the investee management to do good work. 

Use and Throw

Sounds like being with a prostitute, but may be that's who we are. We consume and we throw. We consume out of addiction, pleasure, hope, boredom, and need. What am I referring to? Chocolates, food, friends, lovers, feelings, dreams.
The point I am driving in is that in the long run, things tend to be for the short term, very few things remain with us or rather, very few things we choose to keep with us. By the time we are at our respective life's end, most of us will have very few things in our hearts as we did a long time ago (from then).

We tend to get saturated, we change, we get bored of them, we move our attention to a different thing and we learn to let go.
A lot of me is locked up in Champaign and a lot of me is locked in material possessions and my past and current relationships, but those things are also with me. I believe this also holds true for other people.
So tomorrow, when you realize that you use and you throw, realize that the hollow in the stomach is bound to arise but it is also a continual process that tends to tone down as we grow old.

Hubris

There are times when we are confident, when there is a spring in our step, when our head is slightly raised high and an attitude creeps in... Those times are good, because it's not often that we feel that way. But once in a while, the confidence gains permanence and that gives rise to a peak; a peak from where it is easy to fall down and from where the fall is hard. The pinnacle is not an issue, getting down is.
Once we fail to look within, continually, we develop a sense of self-esteem; a sense that is, at times, baseless.
"We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." - People utter this sentence often, trying to sound cool that they liked such a weird movie, but rarely do they realise the different connotations of this statement.
Pride is good, but it should be largely independent of external forces. Just because you are good at something, does not imply that you deserve something.
We deserve nothing. Happenstance is oft overlooked and there is very little that we have worked for. Remember, justness is a human creation; we have come to believe that life is a natural progression based on meritocracy.
"We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." We are nothing, and what we are here for is to try and exist or to try and prove ourselves (to whom?).
Hubris shall lead to your fall; I suffer from it, and I shall fall, for I am human too.

Reminder

This was me, when I used to be in school. I have this near my bed and I decided to keep this as a reminder a long time ago. I had figured back then that I would be a different person certain years from then onwards... and I needed to know who I was then.

It serves me as a reminder of the fact that I am nobody. I have received certain chances because of the Ovarian lottery and I have worked relatively well to (try to) attain somethings...
I do not deserve anything and I am here to do the best that I can without changing myself drastically.
I will die one day, as will you.
I said somethings today that had been inside me for too long.
I am glad they are out...
Glad because I heard me saying it that well for the first time.
I believe I won't get all those things I listed.
I shall try.
And hope I don't stop trying.


Addendum:
It also serves as a reminder of the fact that we are all equal and that we are all temporary. There are times when I miss life and there are times that decisions need to be taken, pertaining to qualifying my time.
We are continually programmed to grow up a certain way and we should look beyond the near future at times because a lot of things are just too inconsequential to worry about.

Understanding BS

Have been fretting for too long now; may be because that is just who I have become. One statement did help me out and I keep going back to it. But life is such that, at times, things keep piling up and as is with most people... we convert life into something more complex than it is.
Why do you want the things that you want? And once you don't get them, you usually move on to other things, don't you? Most people spend life in the same peculiar way; worry about money, earn money, spend money, spend time with friends, socialize, have notions about joy, build up frustration, etc. Movies have impacted human life so distinctly that humans start wanting things as they are in movies. The concept of love, friendship, well-being, material possessions, sadness, happiness; all of these are impacted marginally on an individual basis and drastically on a cumulative basis. Life is one long melodrama. I am saying this because today is one of those rare days when I have gone through so many emotional and energy levels. We all want to be heroes and some of us believe that we don't belong. But in the end, we all do.

Competition

People are competitive, and may be for the wrong reasons. 2 of my friends are going to take the GMAT soon and I hope they get a good score. Why? Well, for one thing, I believe they are extremely intelligent, one more than the other. For another thing, I performed way below my capacity (which is a good defense but may not be accepted as the truth ;)); and lastly, it's only when one gets a good score that one has a chance at changing, adapting or renewing oneself. There are exams, promotions, competitions, awards and to top it all... Money. People keep competing and I sometimes don't like it that way. I like competitors who vanish, and competitors who accept defeat for selfish reasons. I like competitors who don't lose sight of those around them and smile once in a while. I like competitors who, at the least, have a want to do something interesting, meaningful or daunting. I am afraid that I may drop out of this competition one day and I am afraid that the competition is going to be too difficult to tolerate. However, there is always a way. Somehow, we always find that way.

Am I a nice guy?

It is nice to know that nice people still exist.
Another thing that I may have realised:
I believe that I am a bitch.
And that is because the thoughts in my head remain in my head.
However, people around me - I believe - may not share my opinion.
For I have come to believe that some people believe that I am a nice guy.

Now, it takes some strength to write this.
Why?
Because it is insane and marginally moronic to write 'good' stuff about yourself; that too from another person's perspective. It labels one as haughty. I am sure, that is one thought that may have come to your head as you read this.

The wind blows strong, wild and naked

I have been meddling with this term today. Superiority demand.
I coined it; it arose from superiority complex.
I have to understand humans who behave as though they own entities around them.
Who walk with a swagger that would put a cowboy to shame.
Who talk loud enough for people more than his audience.
Notice how I said 'his'. Because methinks a lady would rarely indulge in such behavior.
Then again, I am going to the heartland of accomplishment and oversized egos.
I wait to see what I get there.

Superiority complex is behaviour due to a belief that one is superior with respect to a certain aspect.
Superiority demand is akin to ego in the Ayn Rand sense of the word.
Only for one to judge oneself and understand one's capabilities.
Plausibly a benchmark, a goal, an ambition, a motivator.

A blunt question : " What do you think you can achieve you loser!?? "

It is sad that money, prestige, fame, power, showmanship and materialism can be drivers for people to pursue their respective lives.

I wonder what happened to the thrill of the thrill?
I wonder where did vanish the ego of the heart?
The adrenaline and the ecstasy?
I believe it is next to impossible to find such creatures in the world today.

A Modigliani.
A Galt.
A Mr. X
A miserly unknown philantrophist.

Business Class

I kept my cool and told my uncle very simply that I did not want to travel by business class. It is not about the money - but about the distinction that one garners with the help of money. I am nobody right now - which he fails to understand (narrow closed ignorant mind that he has) - and therefore I am going abroad because of my Dad's hard work. Buffett introduced me to a potent term - Ovarian Lottery - which I often cite. His belief is, if you have money, irrespective of source, you should enjoy it.
I find it sad when people's minds are not open to other's beliefs. I understood his concept and I understood where he came from - but that is not me. It may be one of the virtues of self actualisation.

Action backed by a strong belief and understanding - howmuchever naive it may be - allows me confidence. I found it exhilirating to know how calm I was when I spoke of this because I knew exactly what I was saying.

Another thing that I have learnt is talking surely. Slowly, calculatively and with a belief that what you are saying has meaning behind it (at times).
May be why I cannot just talk about absolute BS and inconsequence. May be reg. matters which I do not understand or I may not be interested in.

This is a thoroughly useless post and my regards to any reader who may have had to bear through this assembly of words.