Life and Ladakh

The fragility of life haunts me in a romantic way. I still think of my friend who died more than a month ago, and the way he died makes me really believe in the power of life and that which we don't cherish - life itself. Tsunami, earthquakes, car crash, an odd fall, a virus or a bacterium, a deranged human being, a missile from an unfriendly country - anything can hurt us and there is nothing we can do. I have written this way often and yet have not grown tired of it. Should I tell her that I love her? Should I tell him that he is awesome? Should I smile more often and be crazy for no reason? Should I breathe some pure air because I have the ability to? Is the process of earning money interfering with one's desire to live one's life? Can this be balanced? I can't eat Korean food once I'm dead, nor can I kiss a girl or drink some wonderful water.


In other news...once again, I am off to the mountains (This Sunday). I love them because they don't care.
And once again I must say goodbye in case I don't come back alive; it would be a wonderful way to leave existence - in the mountains. Am not ready of course, far from it :)
Have sustained an injury in my right knee but still going for a 4 day trek through Sham valley. After that, plan to live in a village away from Leh. Let's hope I make it through all of this.
PS I weigh 73 kilos. Shall let you guys know what the number stands at when (and if) I'm back.

You can't take my soul

I have had trouble accepting myself for many years now. My thoughts have been questionable and my questions have been thought-provoking. There was a time that I felt I was smart, that time has now passed me by. I now see that I want to see a lot of what humanity and nature has to offer to me; not just visually but also emotionally and socially.
For a long time now, I have questioned people's behaviour in various circumstances and I truly believe that we as a kind are becoming overly superficial in our approach to our lives. I was reading about Charlie Munger and came across a statement he made about how his endeavour is a lot about learning and growing than about much else.
I like the word 'iconoclast' and I like the word 'contrarian'. Why can't there be a global war around the corner? Why can't Indian G-Secs touch 10%? Why can't more of us leave the clutches of capitalism and the spiral that ensues? There are possibilities everywhere and even then I see us following, largely, a single file.
I am about to embark on my next phase knowing fully well how hopeless my prospects might be and how woefully inadequate I am (that's what she said, sorry... bad joke), but I also want to embrace the knowledge that time is on my side unless something untoward happens. Alas.

I am immensely hopefully and a part of me is joyous. There is little that I remember, but I kinda remember the child I used to be and I am happy to say that the same child is within me now. Now, after a very long time.

Fear

Fear of that which is not but which may be.

Where death is, I am not; where I am, death is not. - Epicurus

We face it everyday and it shall not cease to amaze me :)
We are afraid of that which has not yet come by and that fear moulds each one of us differently.

Disgust

When we hear of ill-equipped hospitals, cramped localities, discontinuous or non-existent energy supply, atrocities committed by people with unbridled power or apathy towards a better whole who do we choose to blame?

Is India just too large a populace to be cared for properly? Are the capitalist tycoons answerable towards uplifting sections of society around them? Are the bureaucracies of various systems to be blamed?
Today, I choose to blame the untouchables.

The untouchables of the past were determined by lineage.
The untouchables of today are determined by their lineage and their decisions. They decided to act in their own interests during their ascent to their respective positions.
The IAS officer, the police inspector in a faraway village, the customs officer, the tax inspector, members of political parties - particularly those related to religious propaganda, the 'babu'.

These people are rarely 'touchable' or accountable. Of course, generalizations are evil but generalizations are based on a clear majority based on hearsay and actual experiences.

The capitalist system is such that it makes a richer man richer and in turn, more powerful. I see that, as a man becomes richer he drags or rather pulls towards him, directly and indirectly, sections of society.
What the aforementioned people do is, most of the times, beyond the scope of the system and beyond the reach of the law. A lack of transparency and the continuous focus of people towards their own lives are the root causes of such 'distance' and power.

Because I am a product of the capitalist world, it pains me to see power concentrated in the hands of people who are unwilling to share it or distribute it.
If a business tycoon has amassed a fortune it is his call, whether or not to disburse his riches because he has legally (for the most part) created his personal wealth.
If an official (the list of people I mentioned earlier) has amassed wealth, it will largely be illegally, immorally and laden with guilt (I hope).

The larger effect of the 'babu' is his domineering demeanour and conversely, the inability of a subject to voice concern or opposition. I call it helplessness... which is why even I have to succumb at times to being a part of the system. It is also because of my illiteracy regarding my rights and my selfishness pertaining to my free time which I want to be as hassle-free as possible.
I disgust me and I am a part of the people - for now.

The Law of Karma

Laws are/ were created by man. Laws of Sciences are proven to a certain extent. Laws of Religion and Spiritualism or Metaphysics are heuristic in nature.

The Law of Karma - A fantastic concept to make people feel at ease and withdraw to an answer which cannot be proven. I would have liked to call it a hypothesis, but a hypothesis pertains to observable phenomena.
By creating the law of Karma, followers of the law were governed by a certain legal system. The law was created before any real justice or legal systems as we know them today, in effect it helped create order in a chaotic society.

If a man wanted to rape a woman, based on his brute strength he very well could; the law of karma instilled fear in him as the law said that if you do this today, nature has a way of coming back at you and punishing you for your foul deeds.
O and by the way, in case your quota of bad deeds has not been rewarded with similar poor fate unto you, nature is going to carry forward this quota of bad deeds and punish you in your next incarnation. Beware O wrong-doer!!

Frankly, it's a beautiful concept - one which can never be proven and one, if believed would rid humanity of many of its pains. Through this law and the fear it instills, man becomes a more peaceful and altruistic being. The other thing I like about this law is the consequence of doing something good.
The more good you do, the more good you reap :)
Awesome!! Ain't it?

This law is also used by some to believe that if something bad happens to them, something good will happen to them in the future - but wait, if something bad happens to you, shouldn't that be a culmination of a prior bad deed by you? Hmmm...

I remember that when I was first introduced to this concept in school, I decided to stand at the window sill after school and pass everybody's water bottles back to them. And everyday I would think, 'Daym!! I am a great guy - hope my good Karma is accumulating :)'
O! How I love kids and their puny, simple and honest minds :)


I thought of this once while studying Indian Management Thoughts and Practices - The Law of Karma - You do things. Period. Things happen to you. Period.
Most of everything lie beyond our locus of control - what is within our sphere is our reaction to events and our need to base our actions in anticipation of certain events. It is irresponsible to harm another being in whatever way for whatever reason but if we are harmed in any way, it is up to us to take a step back, relax and fight.

You do things. Things happen to you. There is nobody to keep a tab on what good or bad you may have done. Although it is favourable to believe in such a concept.
I wonder if there is a place in (fiction starts:) hell (fiction ends) for me...

Rape

Sunday June 13, 2010. Times of India
Man held for raping teen daughter.
Body of raped six-year old found in nullah.
Two neighbours spike drink, rape woman.

Empowering women, improving law enforcement and bringing about a socio-cultural change whereby men realise respect for women, but more so, women understand the need to be fiercely independent. Respect for all.

Special

I write in a diary. At the last page of my diary, I have a cut-out of an article that was published in Times Life Sunday April 12, 2009.
I kept that article because it encapsulates a lot that is dysfunctional in society as we see it evolving. I have had the luxury of studying in the US for a year and I did not see the same emotions there, but I do see them in Mumbai. In short, people believe they are special and they ought to be doing something better than what they are going towards or are currently doing.
It also tells us of how simple life ought to be and how complex we tend to make in pursuit of that which is never static - happiness.

Fined yourself

What is it about songs that makes them anchors for our memories? What I'm referring to are not visual memories, rather they are emotional or may be subconscious memories. I was listening to Eddie Vedder's creations for the OST of Into the Wild:
"They think of me and my wandering but I'm never what they thought."
"When I stand beside her, I am the better man."
Before you believe me referring to love, let me say in the words of the Joker (Heath Ledger):
I'm not. No, I'm not.

The crux of this write-up is, what I would like to call, a mixture of rumination and self-actualization. The first line I wrote above used to signify something about me, something that I understood very well and that I allowed to fit for me. When I heard the same sentence today, I was in awe simply because the physical manifestation (heavy words :| ) of that sentence was evident in my Kentucky trip, but the actual feeling of that sentence was missing.

It's time to go back to who you used to be, if only to remember how you used to be and what you stood for because there is something unique about every one of us and we fail to exercise that. We let life conquer us and we accept a different form of contentment.
Wrong? No.

It's a tough battle, and may be, it's not even a battle. May be I am thinking to much as I always do - but this is me and I believe I love me :)

Use and Throw

Sounds like being with a prostitute, but may be that's who we are. We consume and we throw. We consume out of addiction, pleasure, hope, boredom, and need. What am I referring to? Chocolates, food, friends, lovers, feelings, dreams.
The point I am driving in is that in the long run, things tend to be for the short term, very few things remain with us or rather, very few things we choose to keep with us. By the time we are at our respective life's end, most of us will have very few things in our hearts as we did a long time ago (from then).

We tend to get saturated, we change, we get bored of them, we move our attention to a different thing and we learn to let go.
A lot of me is locked up in Champaign and a lot of me is locked in material possessions and my past and current relationships, but those things are also with me. I believe this also holds true for other people.
So tomorrow, when you realize that you use and you throw, realize that the hollow in the stomach is bound to arise but it is also a continual process that tends to tone down as we grow old.

Addic-shunned

Cigars have a lot of nicotine. Or so I hear :)
I smoked 2 good cigars over the last 10 days or so, and already I feel the craving to smoke another. Had always wanted to know what a (mild) pull of addiction was like, and now I know.
No more cigars, at least for a while.
In other news, I will be off any form of meat, chicken, etc. for a month after going back to India. From 20th May to 20th June. I want to know if there is a great difference in me.

So I leave the ways that are making me be what I really don't want to be?

Freedom

Sexual intercourse with a person without that person's consent is qualified as rape. Reads about, visuals about or talks about rape infuriate me. I was surprised at how angry I became when I watched a particular scene from Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi.
What is it about helplessness that influences me? And by this I refer to rape, imprisonment, punishment, assaults, loss, etc.
The inability to fight back, to reason, to escape, to appeal and to influence, and the compulsion to succumb and accept - may be that's it.
Evolution of society has been able to drastically reduce such 'atrocities' and may be I am thankful that I belong to this generation, but, as always, a lot still needs to be done.
The simple problem is that we do not care enough about things that are not nearby.
As George Carlin once said:
"A bomb exploded!..."
"OMG!!! Where???"
"in X Country"
"Wtf do I care then!"

And no matter how much one denies it, it's true and it's, well, human.
If Maoist 'rebels' kill 75 soldiers, we care (at least a bit); but if 75 Maoist 'rebels' die - we don't care enough - may be because we chose sides.
If a woman is raped in Mizoram, there is no way one in Mumbai will hear about it; and if one does, it will be but a blip.
The reaction is obvious and understandable, but is also the reason why progress is slow and why responsibility of progress is shirked away towards social workers and the government.
This post is rather useless, as the reader knows everything that I am saying, but let me ask you this... When did you last think of valued control being snatched away from you?

Addendum:
" A friend of mine was scarred. She is a great person but she says she can never go on, and she can't think of being intimate with anybody ever. She had been raped once. I wonder when she will be able to snap back to normalcy..."

Skydiving

So, once again... I could die tomorrow. Alas.
Going skydiving :)
In case they allow me to jump off alone, and in case I have the guts to do so, and in case I end - this is a note saying that:
"I have no intention of killing myself, therefore it should be considered an accident."

Addendum:
So it was awesome. Perfect health. And there is no way of describing the feeling of free-falling :)
All I can say is, there is probably nothing like it.

Hubris

There are times when we are confident, when there is a spring in our step, when our head is slightly raised high and an attitude creeps in... Those times are good, because it's not often that we feel that way. But once in a while, the confidence gains permanence and that gives rise to a peak; a peak from where it is easy to fall down and from where the fall is hard. The pinnacle is not an issue, getting down is.
Once we fail to look within, continually, we develop a sense of self-esteem; a sense that is, at times, baseless.
"We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." - People utter this sentence often, trying to sound cool that they liked such a weird movie, but rarely do they realise the different connotations of this statement.
Pride is good, but it should be largely independent of external forces. Just because you are good at something, does not imply that you deserve something.
We deserve nothing. Happenstance is oft overlooked and there is very little that we have worked for. Remember, justness is a human creation; we have come to believe that life is a natural progression based on meritocracy.
"We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." We are nothing, and what we are here for is to try and exist or to try and prove ourselves (to whom?).
Hubris shall lead to your fall; I suffer from it, and I shall fall, for I am human too.

Politically Incorrect

How would you feel if your son died? What would you do then?
What if you are inflicted with a disease that will slowly and painfully kill you?
Why do we care about our looks? Is it so that we look presentable in society and so that people are attracted to us and at the least, not repulsed by our presence?
Have we learnt about romance and companionship through the media, primarily through movies?
Does a man instinctively lean towards sex, but is weaned away from it because of societal correctness?
Why do we care about sex and physical pleasures when they are meant to be short lived? May be that is exactly why...
Looks will leave us and we will learn to be docile; we hope that we always remain outrageous even though it may be in a small way...
Some of us believe we don't belong, and we like to believe that it is only some of us who are this way...
What would it be like to be molested or raped? - and here I refer to both sexes.
What would it be like to know that someone you care about has been molested or raped?
What if you are locked away against your will?
What if you accidentally kill or injure or maim a person? - How would you live with that?
All of life's luxuries are taken away from you, against your will; what do you do?
One fine day, you lose a limb or you lose your speech and you are no longer normal and able - at least not as able as you used to be... you fear that people will slowly leave you... you fear that people will pity you and you hate the fact that you are helpless... What do you do?

Most of the aforementioned things will never happen to most of us; but when they do, we deal with them then; no use fretting over them just now. Most of life is mundane and normal; some of us like to make changes and make our respective lives interesting; and then, once in a while we stumble or are forced to stumble.

Race-ism

It's such a fight, the one that we are all a part of.


What is this life if full of care
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep, or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies 1871 - 1940


The irony of this poem is that I had learnt it word for word, and I would recite it at an unusually fast pace.
What I am talking about is how we desire to chalk our lives and how we run full throttle towards that which we believe, or are made to believe, destiny. There is never an end in sight because we are forever pressurized by all that we hold dear. We never want to lose our freedom and we seek to keep those around us, happy.
We need to understand that we will choose companions and dump them.
We need to understand that we are but passing figments in this time continuum.
May be this is what Ayn taught me, or rather, I taught myself... I come first. Caveats exist, but don't be afraid of some decisions.
Sure, you are bound to cry and you are bound to writhe in pain, but that is what makes you whole.
Tread lightly, make changes, be impulsive, cry vehemently; be afraid of falling, but not afraid of walking.
When was the last time you heard your inner voice?
When was the last time you kissed yourself?
Go now, and find yourself.

Down with the Senas I say

There are a few things that really make me really angry, one of which is outspoken prejudice. It is alright to be biased because somewhere, all of us are biased; however, discriminating and generating disharmony is unacceptable.
This could be one of the reasons I hate religions. Religions were created so that morals and ideals could be instilled in a group of people where law and order could not have been created. It brought a group of people together and gave them an identity without a real force to keep them in check. What is happening now, is that religions are being used to generate specific advantages in order to fulfill one's motives.
Vishwa Hindu Parishad, Shiv Sena, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena are just a few of them. The subtle ones are BJP and Congress in India.

Humans have this incomprehensible thirst for power, and religious factionalism allows them just that. I detest India, largely for this one reason; the legal enforcement is so weak such that any religious group can riot and destroy the 'peace' (or rather, destroy the 'chaos' ) to suit their own agendas. I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party comes to one's house and destroys things.
I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party enters a discotheque and starts molesting women.

India has been and will be a dysfunctional society, therefore chaotic. We have enough issues to contend with already; it would be better if these idiotic morons would keep away.

Don't be Afraid

There is only so much that we can (allow ourselves to) do,
Obstacles abound and muscles grow weak from all the strain.
We want to give up at times and just succumb...
We tend to go on because of numbness
Or we tend to go through reason and fear
We are all trying to do the best that we can with what we have.

I will lose it one day
And so will you
Because there is nothing that we truly control.
And may be it is in those dark moments that we wish we could hang on to something
If only temporarily
Sorrow, fear and anger bring out our rawest selves.
It is then that we are closest to being children.

Understanding BS

Have been fretting for too long now; may be because that is just who I have become. One statement did help me out and I keep going back to it. But life is such that, at times, things keep piling up and as is with most people... we convert life into something more complex than it is.
Why do you want the things that you want? And once you don't get them, you usually move on to other things, don't you? Most people spend life in the same peculiar way; worry about money, earn money, spend money, spend time with friends, socialize, have notions about joy, build up frustration, etc. Movies have impacted human life so distinctly that humans start wanting things as they are in movies. The concept of love, friendship, well-being, material possessions, sadness, happiness; all of these are impacted marginally on an individual basis and drastically on a cumulative basis. Life is one long melodrama. I am saying this because today is one of those rare days when I have gone through so many emotional and energy levels. We all want to be heroes and some of us believe that we don't belong. But in the end, we all do.

The Bathtub Memory

I think a lot about Buffett, more so because of who I perceive him to be as a person. This is about the bathtub memory...
Supposedly, he had a rough childhood and as is with most humans, he faced his share of BS through life. The one thing that he had going for him was his bathtub memory. He had an outstanding memory, but he could mask or remove bad memories from his head so that he could give more quality time to other matters.

The reason I write about this is, I have a pretty weird memory myself. I have a poor memory about my past; that is to say that I forget things very easily and may be, I don't know how voluntary that is. I say this because I know I had a very rough childhood; not because I actually had it rough, but because I had made it out to be rough. Nonetheless, I would have expected me to hold onto those memories. I hold regrets even now, but somehow - and this may be because I have a weird brain and a weird logic - I have focused well on the future.
I believe that one crucial determinant factor is that I have noticed how *some years* from now, all of us will (tend to) end up well. We have a way of worrying about the short term and in the long term, we do find a way past all our stupid situations.
Not a day goes by that I don't doubt myself and not a day goes by that I don't look up to who I might be someday.
Everything in life is temporary and I have been so grateful that my memory has served me well.
I look back at who I used to be and am astonished and ashamed.
I look ahead and know that sometime from now, things will be alright.
I had decided sometime ago that regrets won't get me anywhere; there is just too much to life (even though we may be aliens inside the matrix).

Today, I tell my readers:
Forget, forgive and move on...
Life is unkind.
Humans beings are weird in the sense that they have a brain which, in itself is so unusual.
It is all in our heads.
And if we keep our minds open.
And rid ourselves of our respective recycle bins and unused files;
Happiness is not elusive.
I envy people who are unconscious.
And I loathe them.
I look forward to this life.
But I told myself once...

If I die.
I want to smile and say that I did things...
Things that may be inconsequential,
But things that did determine who I became and who I was trying to become.
Reminds me of my earlier posts..
This and this

True Joy

The moments that make you restless are moments of anxiety. If it is a new step that you look forward to, you are anxious and it makes you sad in a most absurd way. It makes you sad and lonely because you know that if that source of happiness is not achieved, it would dismember a part of you; a part of you that you believe to be very close to who you want to be, based on your dreams and goals. Anticipation of things going a certain way makes you want to cry sometimes because the pressure is too much to bear. At times, I fast forward to where I want to be 5, may be 10 years from now and I see pictures. Steps towards those pictures make me afraid. The funny bit is that I know that there will always be a way; but happiness is something that you plan so well for but comes along without your will. The greatest moments of happiness are usually the ones that you look forward to, but come with such force that you would never have anticipated. The pursuit of happiness...