To Life

I spoke to a friend from Junior College yesterday and it took me back to those days. How I detest and love who I used to be... I still don't know why it took me such a long time to become comfortable with myself. I used to be insecure and now some people see me as quite self-assured; I believe I'm just a shadow of my past now. It frightens me when I think of how enjoyable life is right now but yes, the core of man's spirit comes from new experiences. Gosh, how I love my 'profession'. Very odd that be. Let the music flow. Cherish the alcohol. Stay away from boring people. Do new things. Look into the horizon. Pay due respect to the mice. 42. Always know where your towel is.

The travails of society

My blogging has reduced primarily because of work and secondarily because my eyes have been giving me grief. To clear the air; my eyes are tired, dry and in pain especially by the time I come back from work; this makes me avoid the computer once I come home.
My third eye-specialist is trustworthy and has given me tear-inducing drops which will  start being effective 2.5 months from now. However, all of this is of little relevance to any reader.

The other day I was reading a post by 'Neo Indian'. It's quite a hilarious site with very meaningful statements talking about the India that is, was and should be. He asked people to stop posting 'supportive' comments on social networks and start doing something meaningful like supporting soldiers or actually being a part of the rally.. For me, that was one of many such littered posts on the net.
A dilemma facing some of us new Indians is our affection for our country.
I have clarified before that more than India I belong with the Indian culture - not the villages and the bureaucracy but the language spoken by a Mumbai-ite, the food, the issues, the joys and the sentiments. I get annoyed when people say that we should work for our country or for our parents, not because that could possibly be ridiculous but because nobody ought to suggest why and how one should live with the 'suggestion' being the face to a guilt producing demand.
As a contrast, I read a letter by Theodore Deden which seems to be speaking about investing but is in fact speaking about a way of life; a way of life that we ought to be living but contrasts with how most people live today. What I drew from the letter was individualism and a greater consciousness of that which surrounds us, that which has come to pass and that which we ought to work towards.

I crave independence - could be because of the way my life has panned out or what I have heard or read or seen - and I ache to create a difference to my own life. This is in stark contrast to what I used to be.

I remember the time when I said, very sincerely, that I want to change the world.
I remember the time when, for love, I changed what I used to be in favour of supporting the relationship.
I also remember the time when I used to excel at academics and was rather proud of my achievements.
There was a time when I ached to get back to work and to give something back to society.
I now believe that only if I live for my personal success will I be in a position to be with someone or live for something or give something back to society. It's alright if I fail at following through after attaining my success, because I know that that will be an endeavour and not an end.
Personal success has little to do with wealth. It has a lot to do with the freedom to travel, read, listen to music and grow individually. "We are all here to learn" said my ex-professor and that I hold close to me.

Working for somebody when one has access to more potential is ridiculous. But in the short-term it could be justified. Only if I am to find my balls (figurative) will I start my progress. I am appalled at how little time I have to read, travel and experience the fruits of life. Studying and following a way of work will only create knowledge which is shared by many others. I would love to know more about people, cultures, histories and progresses - may be I will be a couple of steps ahead in seeing the progress of civilization. And this could be a great support system to the way I am.

I used to be content. Am not anymore. I know the field of work I am bound to enjoy, the workplace I would love to tap-dance to (credit goes to Mr. Buffett), the kind of books I would love to own and read, the kind of people I would love to eat or drink with, the kind of time I would love to have on my hands and the kind of health I would love to develop. Am I a few steps ahead or am I creating my own little cocoon?

Boston Legal

The first season of Boston Legal was highly brilliant; however, it began losing its shine from the second season onwards as the makers decided to make it light-hearted. The courtroom scenes and weird encounters saved and make me cherish the series.
One thing that this series has provided is the friendship that Denny Crane and Alan Shore share. "We're flamingos."
Simple 2.5 words. Love them.

One episode (I'm watching it right now) stood out.
A little background first though: At the end of (almost) every episode Denny and Alan drink scotch and smoke cigars at Denny's office balcony. It's usually night and they stare out at the city. They talk about their day and their troubles and their sexual and emotional experiences. It's all very plain - plain, in the best way possible.
This episode: "On the Ledge" Season 3... Alan is supposedly in the process of developing a friendship with Jerry (a lawyer who has Asperger syndrome). Denny sees them bonding on 2 occasions and on witnessing the second encounter, retreats to his office. This follows:


Denny: Don't talk to me.
Alan: It's not like I went fishing with him.
Denny: And don't make fun of me. I don't know whether you know this - not many men take the time every day to have a cigar, a glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have.
Alan: No, it isn't.

Denny: What I give to you, what - what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think what you give to me, you do with nobody else. Now that - that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly - the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and THAT man. That you got something you didn't get from me.

Alan: I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you, Denny ... People walk around today calling everyone their "best friend". The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or, at most, third meeting. Birthday cards get passed around offices, so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they've barely met. And everyone just "loves" everyone. As a result, when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you, Denny. YOU are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. Not gonna kiss you, however.
Denny: I don't want you on my balcon... on ANY balcony, alone - with THAT man.
Alan: Okay.


End. Special thanks to bostonlegal.wetpaint.com for the conversation between Alan and Denny.

It's sad that text does very little justice to the actual conversation; the same way that books are difficult to convert to movies, visual experiences are difficult to put into text.
Joey and Chandler are good. Long live Denny and Alan.

O. Henry

Mammon and the Archer

"You didn't notice," said he, "anywhere in the tie-up, a kind of a fat boy without any clothes on shooting arrows around with a bow, did you?"
"Why, no," said Kelly, mystified. "I didn't. If he was like you say, may be the cops pinched him before I got there."
"I thought the little rascal wouldn't be on hand," chuckled Anthony. "Good-by, Kelly."

Background:
Guy in love with a rich girl; tells rich father that money can't get you into some social circles. Aunt gives guy his mom's gold ring as a good luck charm, may be it could help!

When the guy is dropping his 'love' off to a theatre from where she was scheduled to go to Europe, the guy's ring falls down from the horse cart (story set in the early 1900s). By the time he finds it, there is an unimaginable traffic jam in Manhattan (where the story is set). It was all because of the lucky gold ring!!! Was it?
:)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Springtime a la carte
"
It was a day in March.
Never, never begin a story this way when you write one. No opening could possibly be worse. It is unimaginative, flat, dry and likely to consist of mere wind. But in this instance it is allowable. For the following paragraph, which should have inaugurated the narrative, is too wildly extravagant and preposterous to be flaunted in the face of the reader without preparation.
"
And this is how O.Henry wrote at times :)

Ruin and Prosperity

People change, and by this I refer to how people, in general, change with time. Sense & Sensibility (the movie) made me think of how humans used to be. Women took to the arts and took care of the house. Manual labour demanded men to be the workers. Economics has changed; this has allowed women to equal men. People are more prosperous, but the sheer number of people has ensured that a large portion of human population lives meagerly.

Changes in lifestyle, consumption, inhabitance and capabilities has changed how people behave. I am sure that there were times when people thought not of what they aspired to do or be but thought of taking care of themselves and their dears.
Prosperity has influenced minds. Enjoying life (even though one had different forms of enjoyment in the past) is more within reach. People care a lot more about love, relationships, happiness, contentment and rest - may be more than ever before. It ought to be a good thing.

Somehow, we tend to ruin ourselves. There is too much information to analyze; the content has grown - especially over the last decade. Movies, songs and other media throw at you aspirations, ideals, concepts of love and relations and the ignition for individual thoughts.
The internet has destroyed centuries of basic human communication; communication with people who we like, people who we want to know, people who we don't care about and people who we would never have known.
People know more about the world than ever before.
And somehow, people think they know more about themselves than ever before.

I go back to thinking that we the world is just too competitive, and sometimes it should do us good to step back and understand just what we are battling and why we do the things we do. Stepping back broadens one's horizons and allows one to possibly see what one really wants.

Appeal:
Get rid of the noise.
Blow away the dust.
You can see then that society has converted life into a battleground.
Dream of a vacation.
A vacation without a camera and without a phone.
Go to a place where you know nobody.
Be alone.
As once humans used to be.
It is not a life choice.
It is a vacation choice.
Now if you don't mind, leave.

Infidelity

Infidelity
What does it mean? In the context of marriage, the usual definition is simple - Physical relationship with someone other than your spouse.
However - and I believe I have thought about this a long time ago - infidelity is something that ought to be very natural to human beings. Only the institution of marriage has created this 'cage'.

When I talk about infidelity, I talk (and worry) about emotional infidelity. It is this branch that I am referring to. Emotional infidelity comes very naturally to humans; however, what a commitment does, is that it locks a person with another. In a way.
Again, I believe that this should differ from culture to culture.

Emotional infidelity implies that one is opening oneself to another person and not to one's spouse. Is that right or wrong? I believe it is right; simply because, once a couple enters a 'bondage' (don't be kinky now!) there is no knowing how those two will evolve. Somewhere along the way, there develops a need to go away. Not with the intention of 'cheating', but with the intention of getting a different mind or a different body. There is only so much that one can share with another, beyond which one knows the opinions of the other - therefore (partially) mundane.

I said that emotional infidelity is a valid choice that people make. But as we know, humans tend to be illogical and impulsive; therefore, sometimes this choice could be averted. I say that it is a valid choice. But I hate it.
I hate it, not because I believe in some holy institutional crap or commitment, but because of sincerity. Humans need to learn how to be by themselves or be with people and not talk. Somewhere, it influences a person's chain of thoughts and makes one content with oneself.
May be, what I am saying is utter bullshit.

I hate it because sometimes, people stay together out of compulsion - for example, because of their child(ren). Legitimate? I also believe that even after knowledge of a spouse's infidelity, the couple chooses to stay together. Why spoil a decent thing? Let's just accept things and numb ourselves to overlook the infidelity.
Addendum (Courtesy: Wise albeit idiotic person) : What ought to be done, when emotions drift or attraction wanes, is that a relationship should be drawn to an end. The correct path - I believe - would be to disclose and start afresh.

The human mind is a curse because it continually or rather, continuously functions. Therefore, boredom; therefore, need for excitement and change.

Is infidelity an escape?
Is infidelity a different high?
May be it's a rush.
I hate infidelity because of something that this woman implied.
I hate infidelity because I love the concept of peace. Peace that is more than peace, as implied by the Hindi word -'Shanti'.
I dislike infidelity because of a certain notion of comfort, security and joy.
Utopian all, but attainable methinks.

Love & Peace

"The purpose of life is to be loved by as many people as possible among those you want to have love you" - WB
I believe he took a very long time to make this statement.
The emphasis has been added by me, because that captures the practicality of the Utopian part of the statement.
It tends to boil down to love; the word that has been glamorised.
How close is love to peace? - that is the question...

Poetry

"Zindagi mai toh sabhi pyaar kiya kartey hai...
Mai toh mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tumjhe chahoonga

Tu mila hai toh yeh ehsaas hua hai mujhko
Yeh meri ummr mohabbat ke liye thodi hai..."

Fuzon; was a tribute to Mehdi Hasan
Beautiful isn't it?




"In life, people keep falling in love...
I, even after I die my love, will keep loving you

Now that I have found you, I have realized
This age of mine is too less for love..."

Crude and may be incorrect

The Bathtub Memory

I think a lot about Buffett, more so because of who I perceive him to be as a person. This is about the bathtub memory...
Supposedly, he had a rough childhood and as is with most humans, he faced his share of BS through life. The one thing that he had going for him was his bathtub memory. He had an outstanding memory, but he could mask or remove bad memories from his head so that he could give more quality time to other matters.

The reason I write about this is, I have a pretty weird memory myself. I have a poor memory about my past; that is to say that I forget things very easily and may be, I don't know how voluntary that is. I say this because I know I had a very rough childhood; not because I actually had it rough, but because I had made it out to be rough. Nonetheless, I would have expected me to hold onto those memories. I hold regrets even now, but somehow - and this may be because I have a weird brain and a weird logic - I have focused well on the future.
I believe that one crucial determinant factor is that I have noticed how *some years* from now, all of us will (tend to) end up well. We have a way of worrying about the short term and in the long term, we do find a way past all our stupid situations.
Not a day goes by that I don't doubt myself and not a day goes by that I don't look up to who I might be someday.
Everything in life is temporary and I have been so grateful that my memory has served me well.
I look back at who I used to be and am astonished and ashamed.
I look ahead and know that sometime from now, things will be alright.
I had decided sometime ago that regrets won't get me anywhere; there is just too much to life (even though we may be aliens inside the matrix).

Today, I tell my readers:
Forget, forgive and move on...
Life is unkind.
Humans beings are weird in the sense that they have a brain which, in itself is so unusual.
It is all in our heads.
And if we keep our minds open.
And rid ourselves of our respective recycle bins and unused files;
Happiness is not elusive.
I envy people who are unconscious.
And I loathe them.
I look forward to this life.
But I told myself once...

If I die.
I want to smile and say that I did things...
Things that may be inconsequential,
But things that did determine who I became and who I was trying to become.
Reminds me of my earlier posts..
This and this

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Was confused as to where this post ought to belong.

The road ahead - 7 months and less

Time flies by and I miss you each day. How did things come to this and where shall things go from here? I sit here as I see the sunny sky and I look for my purpose. There is nothing in my head and I cry to myself. I cry to myself as I long for sleep. I am deprived of joy and crave for a high. My heart burns now, as I see things that are not really real. It is all in my head and may be I go nowhere. All that is there is pretense. Eventually, everything pans out well methinks. However, I cannot help but whine. For now, I believe there are 2 broad things that I need to attain and those 2 things ought to make me stable in my outlook. This is what makes happiness a pursuit. It's all about a hope and I have made no contingencies. I am scared of what things will be like if I don't attain these 2 things. Then again, memories are short and life has a way of paving a road. A few tears here and there, and I should be alright.

Heavy Heart

Sometimes there is this heavy feeling in your heart; when your heart actually feels loaded. I wonder if it is biological, but it has happened to me in the past.
Usually related to anticipation of any nature. Relationships, Bad News, Results, Career... things like that methinks.
I enjoy (and am pained by) the way I think and relate things.
This feeling of anticipation stems from the possibility of a new path.
The new path usually gives hope.
Let's say for example: response to an MBA application.
We are prone to believing that something is missing and thereby we take steps to plug those holes and make them whole (added a little joke there ;)).

This brings me to one of my first thoughts upon coming to Champaign.
I remember thinking to myself when classes started...
I said : People in this class, some of them are going to hook up.
And as predicted, now there are 4 new couples if not more.
Of course, I also believe that romance and love is not the only way for humans to keep themselves happy, so inadvertently; sex is thrown into the picture.

Is there anything wrong with this?
For people who know me, I believe you know my take on this subject.

It is all about keeping yourself happy.
As for me; I am still looking out for what I need to hold on to.
Therefore nothing can yet mend this heavy heart of mine.

Rumination

It is intriguing, how I feel useful and useless in the same day.
I feel sad at times.
I try to find a meaning to my being each day.
And convince myself with a decent answer, knowing partially how I don't have an answer yet.
This makes me believe at times, that most people also fool themselves with having found a meaning to their individual lives.
But here is the point.
As long as you can fool yourself without knowing about it, you have managed to believe in your foolishness and thereby you are real.
This may come across to most as a guy(me) trying to sound really enlightened.
Brah!

I have been called a sweet guy too often.
Makes me believe, that I am sweet simply because many are not.
Therefore it is all relative.

Another bone;
I am a nice guy especially because I hail from a rich family.
Most guys from rich families turn out to be brats.
Therefore, this again is relative.

One more;
I was said to be smart in BMS.
But let's face it, I was competing with people - many of whom had no great ambition and many of whom were from 'Commerce'.
So let me be called a bitch.
For I have said what is not to be said because it is 'frowned upon'.

I remember saying once, " I just want to change the world. "
Note that the above sentence has / had no exclamation mark.

I zoom out at times and see this world from another perspective.
Not that I believe that I am great or I know things that most don't.
All I believe is this:
There is no need to believe in a set of rules and guidelines.

I miss happiness.
But I have certain beliefs as to how I could possibly attain that happiness.

One is companionship.
One is providing guidance.
One is taking a real vacation.
One is creating wealth - if that concept makes sense; highly debatable.
One is companionship.

I tell you this.
I am already dying a worthless death.
Frown.
Alas.
Boo Hoo.

Some basic truths said by a child.

Large eyes popped out from the white clouds that hung overhead.
They gazed at the world below.
All seemed at ease.
And all seemed perfect.
May be all was perfect.
But in a corner of a lonely house sat a lady.
She was young, around 24 years of age.
It was a questionable age, full of confusion and deceit.
She wailed alone in that dark room.
For her sobs could not be heard.
And down he came from the clouds, in the guise of a child.
Tapping her on the shoulder, he startled her.
Noticing only a boy, the girl found comfort in his innocence.
The boy asked the girl, " Who are you? "

The girl did not have an answer.
She did not have an answer, because, when the boy asked that question - she knew that what is evident was not asked.
The girl was alone because she just completed a marathon, where she fell before the finish line.
The girl was alone because she fell from the sky without a parachute.
She was alone for she had no shoulder to cry on.
She was alone for she had not a reason to wake up each morning.
She had not cried before, because she had not questioned before.

The girl countered the boy with a mundane question.
"Why must we look presentable?"
Boy: "Do we? Hmmm. If you say so."

"Why must I take care of my body? Is it only to please the eyes of the lecherous?"
Boy: "O no! You do it because you believe that inadvertently you will attract suitable beings. You ought to do it, because a healthy body allows a healthy function of the mind."

"Why do we have to earn money?"
Boy: "It is a means to attain that what is desired. It could be food or convenient food, it could be a house or a home, it could be work or a utilised life. Your eyes are yours and your mind is yours."

"Why do we need companions?"
Boy: "That is one question that even I have had trouble with. The thing is, one does not necessarily need companions. But the society has evolved in such a way that after a while 2 things happen. One - you want to come home to somebody, either to fulfill romantic / sexual indulgences or to fulfill emotional holes. Two - Option one has developed from the fact that after a while, single people find other people - because that is the way of society. So if you have friends right now and if you want to meet them - - it's all good.
But after a while, when they are with their respective companions, you cannot be an odd number in the group, and you cannot ask one to leave the other so that the one can be with you.
It is a sad truth.
I also believe that romance and love and fidelity are secondary. The primary is the fact that you need to get yourself a good companion for as long as possible.
It is one of the easiest, and troublesome paths that one must adopt."

"Why must I believe in god?"
Boy: "O that one is simple - one believe because one wants to believe. It is easier to believe than not to believe. Does god exist? How do I know?"

"Why is there a pursuit of excellence, be it in terms of wealth, power, materialism, intellect or even vanity?"
Boy: "It is the way of the world O wonderful girl. What makes you different makes you special. With all that we try to shun the without, it is the without that we are a part of. One may keep believing that the individual is superior, but the individual is an individual because he / she is a subset of the whole.
Of course, there are anomalies, and these outliers are the ones that are the true great.
Do you know any of these anomalies? I don't.
The great beings of the past many years have been close to that title, but because they are known, they are not the ones."

"How do I stop crying?"
Boy: " You already have. As soon as your mind is preoccupied with something, sorrow leaves you. "

Know not what you ought to do to become someone you want to.
Do what you feel like.
It is a fine balance amongst the ignorant, the intellectuals and the insane.