7 minutes to write this post...

As an amateur and largely ignorant human it's quite grounding to read about the universe.
The nearest quasar, for example, is at the least 780 million light years away.
A light year is the distance that light would cover in one year which amounts to approx. 10 trillion kilometers.
A distance such as this is almost impossible to relate to.

Another thought: Everything we look at is the past. Because light takes a finite amount of time to reach the human eye, whatever we see has happened in the past.
It is insignificant in daily life but, for example, the sun we see is as it was 8 minutes ago. Similarly, when we look at the oldest quasars in the universe - approximated at 28 billion light years away - we are looking at that which existed a really long time ago, probably at the beginning of the universe (if the universe did indeed have a 'beginning').

The hypothesis behind the existence of a blackhole is quite intriguing. Earth is a small planet and therefore has a very small escape velocity - 11.2 km/s. The sun has a larger mass and therefore its escape velocity is estimated at 617.5 km/s. The hypothesis that Feynman came up with was that there could possibly be a large enough mass (or gravitational force) that would not let even light escape. Escape velocity higher than 300000 km/s.

Information from Wiki and from 'Universe in a nutshell' - Stephen Hawking. Why do these things intrigue me? Because once in a while, I like to take a step back and look at humans. Hawking said something to the effect of: We should not try to find extra-terrestrial lifeforms because the odds are that they will be more advanced than us and possibly hostile. The future for humans lies in space because the Earth will one day be too small a place for humans.

I just wrote about quasars being 780 million light years away. We can confidently say that humans have developed themselves quite rapidly in the past 2000 years. It is not plausible to discount the existence of other lifeforms even 10000 years ahead of us, let alone millions of years ahead of us.

Calling time a dimension puts a new twist to all that we worry about because in the grand scheme of things everything is quite irrelevant.
What is also questionable is that which we assume to be real and why reality should even matter to us.

With this post I can say that I have come a full circle. Questioning reality has been my most fruitless pass-time. Questioning purpose and daily illusions can also be added to the prior sentence.

Joy changes to Fear

Stephanie D'sa-Colaco wrote this,


"When did the joy of making a choice reduce itself to the fear of making another mistake?"


The rest of her note is pretty awesome too:

When did I get too old for hugs?
I remember the fragrance of my grandma’s hair.
It smelled of everything good and sacrosanct.
Being encircled in her arms without any morose thought tainting the moment.

When did relationships get so complicated?
‘I love u’ used to be a declaration, a fact.
It never made one vulnerable and I was always certain of a reply.

When did the rain become so melancholy?
I remember ‘forgetting’ my umbrella and arriving drenched but with soaring spirits.
The cool droplets coloring my vision made the world seem new and refreshing.
Now I hide, confined in my mind while those old visions disintegrate.

As the days go by and I find every decision harder than the last, I find myself looking into the mirror, engrossed in my soliloquy.




'Tis the tale of a sorry life, a life that we have withdrawn to.
People like saying 'Carpe Diem' and quoting from fascinating movies trying to show to the world they are something they are not. The Fight Club is the first movie that comes to mind.
But more often than not, the quotes are more about that which they would want to be and the hope that it carries along with it.

Extremes are difficult and rather stupid. But take a step today and find the child within.

Fined yourself

What is it about songs that makes them anchors for our memories? What I'm referring to are not visual memories, rather they are emotional or may be subconscious memories. I was listening to Eddie Vedder's creations for the OST of Into the Wild:
"They think of me and my wandering but I'm never what they thought."
"When I stand beside her, I am the better man."
Before you believe me referring to love, let me say in the words of the Joker (Heath Ledger):
I'm not. No, I'm not.

The crux of this write-up is, what I would like to call, a mixture of rumination and self-actualization. The first line I wrote above used to signify something about me, something that I understood very well and that I allowed to fit for me. When I heard the same sentence today, I was in awe simply because the physical manifestation (heavy words :| ) of that sentence was evident in my Kentucky trip, but the actual feeling of that sentence was missing.

It's time to go back to who you used to be, if only to remember how you used to be and what you stood for because there is something unique about every one of us and we fail to exercise that. We let life conquer us and we accept a different form of contentment.
Wrong? No.

It's a tough battle, and may be, it's not even a battle. May be I am thinking to much as I always do - but this is me and I believe I love me :)

Use and Throw

Sounds like being with a prostitute, but may be that's who we are. We consume and we throw. We consume out of addiction, pleasure, hope, boredom, and need. What am I referring to? Chocolates, food, friends, lovers, feelings, dreams.
The point I am driving in is that in the long run, things tend to be for the short term, very few things remain with us or rather, very few things we choose to keep with us. By the time we are at our respective life's end, most of us will have very few things in our hearts as we did a long time ago (from then).

We tend to get saturated, we change, we get bored of them, we move our attention to a different thing and we learn to let go.
A lot of me is locked up in Champaign and a lot of me is locked in material possessions and my past and current relationships, but those things are also with me. I believe this also holds true for other people.
So tomorrow, when you realize that you use and you throw, realize that the hollow in the stomach is bound to arise but it is also a continual process that tends to tone down as we grow old.

Actors

Rumination - as my friend likes to call it. :)

Richard Branson - Plausibly the first infuence in my life. Have fun at what you are doing. And most of the times it may not have to do with the field of work but rather, the company you have with you. There is no point being business like when all that matters is happiness for all and thereby arises the multiplier effect.

Michelle - My professor in the 2nd and 3rd semester of BMS at HR College. Lively person in whom you could see a burning desire for knowledge (which may or may not be true). I remember how she rewarded correct and out of the box answers, how she made economics as non technical as possible, how she applauded cheekiness, and how she lambasted over-the-top pride. She was the one who introduced me to the multiplier effect - a simple concept which allows me, even now, to question matters perpetually.

Venkatesh, Venky - Explosive guy with a raw sense of humour and a penchant for the atrangi (strange). Hardly learnt any concepts from the subjects he taught - but what I did learn will stay with me for a long time.
Question things, Think (ya thats right - one word) - because people stop thinking after a while, Be atrangi, be brazen, be forthright, question things, question things and never stop.
He was the moron who recommended 'Fountainhead' - a book that has helped change my approach towards life. I will never forgive him for that ;)

Rajeshwari Ravi - The image of a person that I detest. Obey the norms, develop good handwriting, pay respect even though it may be blind, learn word by word and spit when need be, a foreign accent equals intelligence. Her idea of entrepreneurship - Sunglasses with video recording so when you are speaking to a person - you can record the conversation automatically.

Dealing with Pain

People always mask their pains in society. I believe that one must have come across the notion of how green the other side appears to be. It doesn't pay to disclose pain and furor, especially to unknowns. Disclosing it to knowns is even more treacherous because it takes a large amount of conviction in one's beliefs.



However, there is relief and contentment in unburdening oneself in front of one's knowns. But who are your knowns? And do they change?
This is one of the most humourous things I think of regularly; nothing will remain and all shall fade. The knowns change and you change. And no matter how much we want to grasp at things, things will never remain, unless by their own accordance.
Then again, here is a thought... How often have we thrown away those we once held dear and that we once held precious in pursuit of what seemed greener or easier? How often have we grown scared of taking steps and venturing into what seems unknown? We are the same, unless we decide to be Alexander Supertramp. The real noodle is, will we realise our follies or will we fill the gaps and find our peace? Will the ghosts of the past come to haunt us, asking us... what happened?

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Was confused as to where this post ought to belong.

Connecting time

I face problems. Who doesn't? Eh??!!
I was pretty restless in India. I felt underutilized and that I was slowly adjusting to the rich life. I had few friends. I had a partial life. I could not have gone on like that.
I am here now, and I battle myself. I ask whether I am using my time effectively, whether I will ever reach my goals, whether I will ever fully understand my goals, whether I will keep evolving.
I feel happy at times, thinking of what I have left behind - for I know that relative to where I was, I am much better off now.
And then I remember something that a friend told me.

"For the most part we all kid ourselves saying and believing that we are happy where we are. We are all deeply flawed. It doesn't exactly take courage to run away. It takes fear. Works both ways."

We are all deeply flawed.
And we are all a part of the Brownian Motion :-D

Days gone by

I think of the days gone by and I realise how relieved I am.
I am relieved to be without the burden of the past.
But as it is with most things,
Most things are not cherished.
Especially the good things
Referring to 'cherished' in mathematical absolute terms.
I am in a great position and I am not talking about sex.
I have the ability - mind you, I have not said 'capability', because that is grey - to get towards my path.
Or at the least, find that rotten path.
Why - because it is the 2nd last letter of the english alphabet.

It is amazing how we dump the past so effortlessly at times and hang on to it so rigidly at other times.