Death

This is because I am the way I am...
I am flying on 31st night, landing 1st morning.. therefore, a 'new year'.

Sinking feeling that either I will die in a plane crash because of terrorism or - on a lighter note - get stuck somewhere because of mayhem.
Than again, people will be chilling, so terrorists wont be able to kill too many people...
May be I will survive...

I am so useless.

Addendum: I made it safely. No drama :(

Reminder

This was me, when I used to be in school. I have this near my bed and I decided to keep this as a reminder a long time ago. I had figured back then that I would be a different person certain years from then onwards... and I needed to know who I was then.

It serves me as a reminder of the fact that I am nobody. I have received certain chances because of the Ovarian lottery and I have worked relatively well to (try to) attain somethings...
I do not deserve anything and I am here to do the best that I can without changing myself drastically.
I will die one day, as will you.
I said somethings today that had been inside me for too long.
I am glad they are out...
Glad because I heard me saying it that well for the first time.
I believe I won't get all those things I listed.
I shall try.
And hope I don't stop trying.


Addendum:
It also serves as a reminder of the fact that we are all equal and that we are all temporary. There are times when I miss life and there are times that decisions need to be taken, pertaining to qualifying my time.
We are continually programmed to grow up a certain way and we should look beyond the near future at times because a lot of things are just too inconsequential to worry about.

Poetry

"Zindagi mai toh sabhi pyaar kiya kartey hai...
Mai toh mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tumjhe chahoonga

Tu mila hai toh yeh ehsaas hua hai mujhko
Yeh meri ummr mohabbat ke liye thodi hai..."

Fuzon; was a tribute to Mehdi Hasan
Beautiful isn't it?




"In life, people keep falling in love...
I, even after I die my love, will keep loving you

Now that I have found you, I have realized
This age of mine is too less for love..."

Crude and may be incorrect

Meaningless

We know of how important some relationships are to us; and we believe we know how the end of those relationships will break us. Relationships have a way of denting us and molding who we have become and who will continue to evolve into...
I believe I am a numb guy because of my pathetic memory; however, I care a lot about some people and marginally care about a few, but don't care about most.
And when I think of this, I believe all of us are like this. We are filled with people who we use to kill time, to feel better, to discuss stuff, to laugh a bit...

A wise, albeit idiotic person said this well, " I want nothing out of some relationships except having them - hence meaningless. "
Meaningless relationships - it is a fantastic thought, but one which gels perfectly into who we are. Just that 'meaningless relationships' is a social taboo.

I have to assume that that term is just too raw and blunt to be used freely in society. Take a moment and look around yourself; we kid ourselves into thinking that we care a lot. Even the people that people assume they care about, they don't really care about. There are only a select few.

I believe the best settings to explain this are classrooms and workplaces; this is because the people we choose to hang out with, are exactly that - chosen.
The chosen few can never always be there, which is why we need plugs in our lives.
These create our beautiful, meaningless relationships.

The day after tomorrow

Have a longing to leave my mobile phone and laptop, and go to a place like Bhutan. Well, I believe... anywhere close to nature. Of course, I don't wish to live in the wilderness; I want to be away from things. And, if I do get a job and if I do have time to kill - I want to go away. Not for long, may be a week...

I sincerely believe that humans have forgotten themselves and have forgotten relationships.
Love, sex, affection, comfort, comfort, comfort, security, security and security. I believe this could sum it all up.

Consciousness could end at anytime.
People have forgotten to grasp at things.
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future"

It tends to boil down to Regret & Guilt
I could very well wait for my trip and say that I will do it at a later time. The 'later time' never comes by.

Grasping things, again, will leave regrets. I could go on that trip and break my spine :D

Blue Mind

"Remember when you were only a child;
And start to see with your blue mind..." - Alexi Murdoch

It simplifies things, because we tend to worry so much. And don't you dare grin, because you know how much you worry about everything! :D

People fall in love,
Part ways,
Die,
Lose their jobs,
Grow tired of their lives,
Grow tired of their health,
Don't relish the simple things in life such as sleep, food & company,
Dislike work,
Dislike society and family...

"Remember when you were only a child"
And thought of the food that your mom fed you;
And cried when you would fall down hard;
And smiled when one would hold you tight...
And smile when one would hold you close;
And smile when one would make you sleep...

How does it feel?

I had to note this because it was so wonderful :D

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it

I clapped when Dylan sang that line :)
Abs. beautiful song...

Indian Girls

Indian girls are crazily pretty. I can say this with confidence because I have been in a different country for 7 months. They may be hot, they may look doll-like, they may know how to dress up well; but Indian girls have something in their faces that makes them stand apart. May be there is something about how clothes fall on an Indian girl that accentuates her beauty. I am sad that I am going back to US for 5 months (I think).
I was open to working in Singapore earlier and now I am more keen on it. Don't get me wrong, because it's not the chicks; it's the culture. :D
Singapore, HK & US were my preferred destinations (and still are); and from these 3, Singapore would be the closest to the Indian culture, even though the place is nothing like India. I remember it from about 6 years ago and I remember being comfortable (may be because I was on vacation :P)

Coming back to the Indian girls' topic; I remember going to the Indian society at UIUC called "Dharma" and I remember that the prettiest Indian chick there was the darkest chick there. I remember how there is nothing that left me spellbound in UIUC; except for some Indian chicks and this 1 American who looked a lot like Avril Lavigne.
Indian chicks !
Feel proud - coz you chicks can be crazy beautiful :D

Understanding BS

Have been fretting for too long now; may be because that is just who I have become. One statement did help me out and I keep going back to it. But life is such that, at times, things keep piling up and as is with most people... we convert life into something more complex than it is.
Why do you want the things that you want? And once you don't get them, you usually move on to other things, don't you? Most people spend life in the same peculiar way; worry about money, earn money, spend money, spend time with friends, socialize, have notions about joy, build up frustration, etc. Movies have impacted human life so distinctly that humans start wanting things as they are in movies. The concept of love, friendship, well-being, material possessions, sadness, happiness; all of these are impacted marginally on an individual basis and drastically on a cumulative basis. Life is one long melodrama. I am saying this because today is one of those rare days when I have gone through so many emotional and energy levels. We all want to be heroes and some of us believe that we don't belong. But in the end, we all do.

Quotes

"What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history." - Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young, that way, when you get old, people wont think you are going ga ga." - David Ogilvy

"In the long run, we're all dead." - John Maynard Keynes

The Bathtub Memory

I think a lot about Buffett, more so because of who I perceive him to be as a person. This is about the bathtub memory...
Supposedly, he had a rough childhood and as is with most humans, he faced his share of BS through life. The one thing that he had going for him was his bathtub memory. He had an outstanding memory, but he could mask or remove bad memories from his head so that he could give more quality time to other matters.

The reason I write about this is, I have a pretty weird memory myself. I have a poor memory about my past; that is to say that I forget things very easily and may be, I don't know how voluntary that is. I say this because I know I had a very rough childhood; not because I actually had it rough, but because I had made it out to be rough. Nonetheless, I would have expected me to hold onto those memories. I hold regrets even now, but somehow - and this may be because I have a weird brain and a weird logic - I have focused well on the future.
I believe that one crucial determinant factor is that I have noticed how *some years* from now, all of us will (tend to) end up well. We have a way of worrying about the short term and in the long term, we do find a way past all our stupid situations.
Not a day goes by that I don't doubt myself and not a day goes by that I don't look up to who I might be someday.
Everything in life is temporary and I have been so grateful that my memory has served me well.
I look back at who I used to be and am astonished and ashamed.
I look ahead and know that sometime from now, things will be alright.
I had decided sometime ago that regrets won't get me anywhere; there is just too much to life (even though we may be aliens inside the matrix).

Today, I tell my readers:
Forget, forgive and move on...
Life is unkind.
Humans beings are weird in the sense that they have a brain which, in itself is so unusual.
It is all in our heads.
And if we keep our minds open.
And rid ourselves of our respective recycle bins and unused files;
Happiness is not elusive.
I envy people who are unconscious.
And I loathe them.
I look forward to this life.
But I told myself once...

If I die.
I want to smile and say that I did things...
Things that may be inconsequential,
But things that did determine who I became and who I was trying to become.
Reminds me of my earlier posts..
This and this

True Joy

The moments that make you restless are moments of anxiety. If it is a new step that you look forward to, you are anxious and it makes you sad in a most absurd way. It makes you sad and lonely because you know that if that source of happiness is not achieved, it would dismember a part of you; a part of you that you believe to be very close to who you want to be, based on your dreams and goals. Anticipation of things going a certain way makes you want to cry sometimes because the pressure is too much to bear. At times, I fast forward to where I want to be 5, may be 10 years from now and I see pictures. Steps towards those pictures make me afraid. The funny bit is that I know that there will always be a way; but happiness is something that you plan so well for but comes along without your will. The greatest moments of happiness are usually the ones that you look forward to, but come with such force that you would never have anticipated. The pursuit of happiness...

I may be a dreamer

Last paper for the Fall Semester tomorrow; yesterday, while I was trying to study for the Investments exam, I remember wandering off...
I was sitting on the couch, gazing away and talking to myself. When I regained consciousness, I realized that I had been talking and mumbling to myself for the past, may be, 45 minutes (OK, may be 30). I laughed and started singing, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Then thought for a fraction that may be I am the only one; then again, there are too many humans, so I don't think I would be the only one.
I grow afraid that I may be a dreamer and not a doer. Than again, I know that when I set my mind to something, I do become a doer.

Competition

People are competitive, and may be for the wrong reasons. 2 of my friends are going to take the GMAT soon and I hope they get a good score. Why? Well, for one thing, I believe they are extremely intelligent, one more than the other. For another thing, I performed way below my capacity (which is a good defense but may not be accepted as the truth ;)); and lastly, it's only when one gets a good score that one has a chance at changing, adapting or renewing oneself. There are exams, promotions, competitions, awards and to top it all... Money. People keep competing and I sometimes don't like it that way. I like competitors who vanish, and competitors who accept defeat for selfish reasons. I like competitors who don't lose sight of those around them and smile once in a while. I like competitors who, at the least, have a want to do something interesting, meaningful or daunting. I am afraid that I may drop out of this competition one day and I am afraid that the competition is going to be too difficult to tolerate. However, there is always a way. Somehow, we always find that way.

Glen Hansard

Just in case I forget how awesome this performer is; Glen Hansard - Once.
Screams with so much emotion at the end of every song; almost feels as though he cries each time :D

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave...

Take No Logi(c)

I wish, at times, technology had not driven humans to being slaves. No surprises, no astonishment. We live with it each day and nobody is too far away. But still, people are far away. And people are growing less fond of each other. I chat through the web at times, and wonder whether I am chatting with my real friend or is it some artificial intelligence at the other end. Technology, if you think about it, has made everything fake. Emotions are perceived more than they would have been some time ago. Dependence on the internet, the news, the people, the friends, the irrelevant, the curiosity. Nothing is real and yet everything is closer than it ever was. But we all know how this argument pans out. Too many things are possible now, that would not have been possible earlier. This is a useless post, but serves as a reminder of where we are right now. I believe that slowly, there will be a tendency for humans to start escaping civilization, if only for a bit. I know I want to. Looking forward to my 24-28 hour ordeal of getting from Champaign to Mumbai.

I Deserve This!!

People are divided and I see that some will end up being wealthy. Wealth is an interesting measure of distinction. One reason is because wealth is not necessarily earned, and the people of tomorrow, who will be wealthy, may in fact be some of the most undeserving people. You get to see people around you who work harder or work smarter but are not as wealthy.
The reason I focus on wealth is because wealth, above a certain extent makes life easier. Beyond a certain extent, makes life harder.
And that is the funny thing about life. How easy or hard it is always depends on the time period.
Earlier, I made a reference to 'deserve'. I shall always wonder what it means. The idea of 'deserve', I believe, has been created by humans. It has been created to make us feel better, make us have faith and allow us to blame or look up to or look down upon people.
This person deserves to be happy; this person deserves to go to jail; this person deserves a second chance at life...

Humans love creating meaning and reason. We love finding a path to all. Now, when I think about all the times that I have used the word 'deserve', I think about how naive I was (and, may be, still am). People work hard, people work smart and people end up along different points on the spectrum of standing.
The stance may be based on happiness, family, work life, monetary pleasures...
There is no reason why I deserve something.


However, and this is the crucial part, we have to believe that doing what ought to get us to a better place, should be done. It's always a pursuit. I want to work close to the capital markets because I believe it is going to get me nearer to my hope. What if I don't make it far? Just because I believe I am intelligent, doesn't mean that I deserve a throne.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players...

Fear

What do you do if someday someone comes up to you in says, "unless you do this, I will come and do something."?
What can you do? Especially if you're from a country such as India.

An 'accident': Police come to the crime scene and find the culprit; "O, Mr. Mayor... Ok, Ok..."

A burglary: Rich man says to police, "Make sure you beat this guy up! I am sure he must have done it!!"

I wonder how many things can be sorted if legal systems are sorted...

Another take on happiness

Saw a professor from Harvard talking about happiness. He highlighted something important through an example. It was the difference between a guy who had won $314 Mn and one who had become handicapped. (Yes, yes,... 'handicapped' may not be the correct term - but I prefer to say it as it is.)

Going on; people prefer the former scenario to the latter. However, studies have shown that on average, after a certain time period both people are equally happy. To which we would say, 'Yeah right!'

Now, may be this was an extreme scenario - but it made me wonder about happiness. And yes, I believe that in the longer run, we tend to find our way and make peace with happiness. As he called it - Synthetic happiness. This kind is perceived to be bad, but I believe that there is a fine line between the natural and the make believe, and that either one is acceptable. However, looking from afar, the natural happiness is what one craves for.

May be what I am trying to say is this: There are a few things I want right now that I believe will make me happy ('happy' is a crude term and we should agree to that); as of now, this is what I am aiming and hoping for. But I also know (partially due to a wise person) that I will adapt. I am trying to do the best I can and I am weak. People adapt and find happiness and find a way to get through life. Well, most people at least.

Another thing I believe is that, acknowledgement and regret cloud happiness momentarily. Our pursuit of happiness, I believe, stems, to a large extent, from trying to avoid regret. Also, our concept of happiness is the easiest path to attaining happiness, which makes us want to stick to created paths.

Cheers to a lifetime of happiness... Although, I hope I don't become a depressed, pill popping psycho.

Strength

It was a Tuesday night - 3 days before the case competition - and we were working on the case. 2 of my friends were working on the financials and 1 was loafing. I think I was re-reading the legal write-ups and the case itself. Soon, 2 of them left and the 3rd dude finally finished. I asked him to wait for a bit while I quickly reviewed some of the entries. We discussed some matters and made some changes.
The case was such that we had to choose one of two suitors based on certain criteria. Preliminarily, it seemed that Suitor A was clearly the winner.

I remember, the 3rd dude leaving at about 145, 2 am. I thought I'd stay back and work on it for a bit and try to figure out who the real winner was. It turned out that Suitor B was the real winner. The pass-through calculations I made were simple and smart and I was really satisfied when I looked up at 330 am. That was when I laughed.

I laughed because I would have to wake up in 3 hours to get ready for a lecture. But I laughed more because I remembered then what it was like to be really engrossed in what one was doing and how satisfying work is when you really like it. I remember thinking to myself that finance is not particularly difficult and that most people can learn enough to succeed. What is difficult is the gut and the intuition. Something, I believe, I have. What I had done was not particularly ingenious, but it was logical.
Proof: 12 teams competed; only 3 came up with the winning scenario.We were one of those 3.

Kids

Saw snowfall for the first time some days back. It is not snowing that well yet, but its like drizzling snow.
Also, I saw small puddles of ice because the water puddles had frozen over.
Also, ice glazed over car hoods.
I keep going back to being a kid. Even last night, I was acting nutty and flapping my arms. A friend of mine recently said that I like to show people that I am weird. I said that while that was true, what was truer was that I think of kids and how stupid they are and how carefree they are. Somewhere, people become old and start acting in a sane way, as they ought to if they want to belong in society.
What I like doing is challenging the norm; this is what it is. I like to be a kid even now. And this reminded me of a time when I was driving and the kid in the car in front of mine was making faces, so I did what was uncharacteristic of normal behaviour. I challenged him and a battle ensued :D
Look inwards today and ask yourself why you have changed and why you behave the way you do when you are surrounded by different types of humans.

Quotes

“Society is a masked ball,
where every one hides his real character,
and reveals it by hiding” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." - Octavio Paz

"Derivatives are like Sex. It doesn't matter who you sleep with; what matters is who they are sleeping with..." - Warren Buffett

"Thumb-Sucking" - Charlie Munger

"Anything that can't go on forever will end." - Herb Stein

"People ask me where they should go to work, and I always tell them to go to work for whom they admire the most. It's crazy to take little in-between jobs just because they look good on your resume. That's like saving sex for your old age. Do what you love and work for whom you admire the most, and you've given yourself the best chance in life you can." - Warren Buffett

"Cash combined with courage in a crisis is priceless." - WB

"The plumbing thing - I hate it. Basically that's what goes wrong as you get older." - WB

Wine

I was scared that I would change. But of course, I did change. However, my fear stemmed more from my core beliefs about myself and let's say : my holistic aspirations. What that means is up to your imagination...
I don't completely understand why I care about a low standard of living or why I care if people use a fan when they have an air conditioner and it is really hot...
I also don't get why I care so much about continuous electricity or wider roads or more roads or cleaner water or a more sane public...
I don't understand why a part of me boils when I hear or read about ill-treatment of humans; women - usually related to them not being male, inequalities arising from money...
I also smile at myself when I get a chance to look from the outside at a party or an outing where well dressed people are laughing and enjoying themselves. Not that they ought to be concentrating on building wealth or sleeping or rot like that, but that the concept of happiness and contentment varies. I have thought too often about why people dance the way they do and drink the way they do or eat what they do...
I don't know why I smile when I hear of somebody who has just bought his first car, be it a second-hand. It wearies me when I sit in this land and people speak so plainly about vacations or holidays or buying a car or renting a car.
Cultures matter and somehow I believe that the developing world is somewhere in between. We have people who care about family ties and worry about the future and will reluctantly splurge on a particular night.
It amuses me that I have never heard of a second world country. Every country is termed as developed / developing or first / third world. May be, a country such as South Africa or Turkey could be a second world country.
I was scared that I would grow shallow; it has not happened yet.
I don't really see a drive in me to do something outrageous...

It's just that it pains me to think of the place where I have lived my entire life because that place is clearly unjust and below its potential. Not saying that ' Yes!! we can do this!!! '
I am just saying that the society that I belong in functions in a particular way due to 1 - Bureaucracy ; 2 - Literacy; 3 - Apathy; 4 - Legalities. Or lack of all these.

What every entrepreneur does is build a small collection of people individually - which is fantastic. And may be, that is the Indian model of development.
I believe that people have just accepted that infrastructure will always lag.
I don't understand why I have not officially complained against regional developers... I ought to; but there is this weird situation where we know that any 'office' that we will complain to, will be full of apathetic brownies. If we manage to get past that stage, we have also accepted that accountability has not been seen and enforcement has not been seen. We have accepted that there is no consequence to any of such potential actions. So have I.

I hope that one day I can find the courage or may be the conviction to do something. Most probably I won't do it alone and will need some backing from a friend or two dozen.

This is a very sad post because it serves no real purpose; then again, none of my other posts have any purpose either.

Aches

In the last 3 days, I have used my free time to rid myself of my neck ache, at least partially. I tried to figure out, as much as possible, why I was / am such a waste; there is no real answer but some blocks have fit well. Just aching to get back to work, and have come to realize that I am pretty open to working in Mumbai again. I also believe that money or the speed at which I make it is not as important to me (currently) as is the quality of work I do and how well I gain from it. My doomsday prediction has also messed up my chain of thoughts. I also realize that I worry needlessly, because, when I look around I see that I can offer something of greater value than what others around me can. In addition, I am trying to do the best I can and therefore, wherever I land, as long as it is a decently intelligent and well paying finance job, I should be alright. I portray myself as though I am whining, but I don't really whine, I only worry.

And now I got thinking of priorities. What are our respective priorities? Or lack thereof? Sit back for a while and think; it is a pretty amusing game. Think of all that you worried about today and all the worries that you will go to sleep with. It surprises me each time when I worry, and I usually end up saying that 'everything is temporary'.

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Was confused as to where this post ought to belong.

People ain't no good

We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word
People they ain't no good


Hilarious!!!

How does it feel?

So how does it feel
When you see a bum on the road?
When you see a man in orange shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking tobacco from a pipe...
When you see a lady cooking something homely without a concern about whether people will like it or not...
When you see a little boy fighting with his friends because he wants to be the goal keeper...
When you see a rat moving about trying to find food...
When you see a dog limping because a car ran over his leg...
When you are in the same place and you see the sun looking at you and slowly fading away...
When leaves fall before winter, only to grow back in spring...
When you see a couple fighting or disgruntled...
When you meet a person who does not know you but asks, "How are you!!??"...
When you see people passing a blind woman who clearly needs help crossing the road...

When you sit at a table and a person you know is no longer the same because he is trying to create conversations and stories and therefore make the social experience relatively pain free...

When you watch people meeting each other after a long time and they say, "How have you been!!!??? Good... What else?" and then they start staring away because there is nothing left that is even slightly meaningful;
They then go on to start topics of global, social, religious or communal importance...

When you sit next to a friend and there is no real conversation transpiring, but it is peaceful...

When you see a baby clutching at people and looking around...

When you hear or read or see proof that the city you live in is not as safe for women as you would want it to be...

When you see yourself, and how you have aged, and how you have accepted things, and how you have molded your beliefs, and how you care so much about money and comforts, and how you have stopped loving your family because it is now taken for granted as a part of your mundane life, and why you cannot remember your purpose in your life, and you do not know the last time you wanted a real vacation and actually had a real vacation, and how you are just passing through life.

Wise Statement

Excerpt from what a wise person once said:
" ... hopefully I'll go... hopefully I'll like the place I live in... hopefully the job I take up will make me happy... it worries me that this isn't the path for me...
..what if this isn't the path for us...

...we are all doing the best we can with what we have"

Some of us are trying to do the best that we can with what we have.
Best, depends on keeping the non-work aspects of our life in equilibrium.
I do not want to change who I am based on my career goals.

Bafoons

There are dum fuks all around.
There are witless, brainless snails crawling all around us.
Clutching and gnawing to get ahead.
The funny bit is, they do!
However, I have to accept these brainless bafoons simply because I am a part of society.
Even though this answer seems mundane.
At least these idiots make me laugh :)

I don't think I am reaching anywhere.
I see myself in India by May / June 2010.
:-(

Decisions and Fear

I think to myself - too often and too much for my own good.
I thought the other day that it completely reasonable to assume that I will not get a job in the US after MSF, nor will I get a job anywhere else.
In which case, I will be going back to India.
What then?
The idea of being away from this field that I love, is sad.
There will definitely be pressure to work with my Dad and I will do my best not to work there.
Then again, will it be possible to shun a ready, stable and strong financially business for ambitions?
It scares me.
I believe in myself - in terms of my capacity to resist pressure and in terms of my potential in this field.
I could fail, but the chances of my success based on my understanding of myself are very high.
It shall be a joyous ride.

India

India scares me.
It is because I don't feel safe in that country.
The legal system is so weak that very few would think of approaching it.
I don't feel that there is any sort of protection against crimes.
What would you do if someone you know is attacked?
What can you do (as a girl) if you are sexually assaulted?
I am scared of policemen in India - and I believe most of us are.
We know the way they speak to the 'common people' - and it is appalling.
We bribe our way through almost everything; education, traffic, licenses, legalities, property issues, law enforcement, taxation.
I could in effect get someone arrested and beaten up if I had adequate (not necessarily a lot of) money.
If my company wants to raise money, the legal enforcement to protect creditors is not present, therefore money is not as freely available.
There is no great M&A market.
What respite does an employee have if he/she is wrongfully sacked?
Some politicians are known to have criminal backgrounds.
What do you about religious/fundamentalist political parties?
If people from Shiv Sena come and burn my car, what can I do?
If I am driving late at night and a cop pulls me over, he could in effect ask me to sexually service him with the threat of beating me up and throwing me in jail for the night, feigning any reason that he could use against me.
What if a woman is driving home at that point of time?
India is a country where even marginally rich people are more equal than poorer people.
Why do you think it is so difficult to ask for decent roads?
Why don't we have electricity in parts of major cities - sometimes?
Why is infrastructure so neglected?
Why are government offices never expected to be overhauled?
The country will never succeed unless there is accountability and legal enforcement.
Growth rate is one thing.
Happiness, welfare and security is another.

Excerpt

At a Train station - man speaking to Dagny Taggart

"I don't like the thing that's happening to people, Miss Taggart."
"What?"


" I don't know. But I've watched them for twenty years and I've seen the change. They used to rush through here, and it was wonderful to watch, it was the hurry of men who knew where they were going and were eager to get there.
Now they are hurrying because they are afraid.
It's not a purpose that drives them, it's fear.
They're not going anywhere, they're escaping.
And I don't think they know what it is they want to escape.
They don't look at one another. They jerk when brushed against.

They smile too much, but it's an ugly kind of smiling; it's not joy, it's pleading.

I don't know what it is that's happening to the world."
He shrugged.

"Oh well, who is John Galt?"




Atlas Shrugged was written by Ayn Rand in 1957.

25 things about myself

25 thinks abaaawt maaaa shelf
Originally posted on Facebook Friday, February 13, 2009 at 11:38am


B coz the coz causes grave frustration and becoz life is an experiment n becoz peepal dont go to blogs
here i lay myself bare - not naked coz tht wud be gross.

1. I like messing with the English language because it is completely illogical. Pronunciations are not like spellings and spellings are illogical. Which is why I like riting like dhis at tymes.

2. I like talking to myself - not that it is uncommon; I know it is fairly common; but I like talking to myself as if I were talking to a person standing opposite me. . . Anybody seen the Secret Window?
"I wonder why he did that. . . " -- "Yeah . . even I do, I think he did that because so and so . . "
That is how I talk to myself.

3. I wave my hands like a bird and walk at times, or I walk hopping at times or moving my mouth because I am actually talking to myself and not like the cowards who talk in their head.
I wave my hands because I love what children are - completely oblivious to society.

4. I miss myself so much at times that I like going away alone, like this one time that I stayed overnight at Lonavala alone, drove alone, ate alone, slept alone, read a book alone, walked alone, got tired alone.
Next Mission: Mahabaleshwar alone for 3 days

5. I laugh at people everyday because they are just so stupid - please refer to my blog for more intricate details. Blog named "Hilarious Fools"

6. I love being weird, such that I prefer wierd to weird. No point being mundane. Which makes me wonder at time whether I am purposely wierd or naturally stupid.

7. I start laughing at times even in the midst of my friends without there being a reason for laughter.
Once I laughed so much I had to bend down and grab my knees so that I would not fall. And when Ishan and Chickoo (my friends) asked me what happened; I had nothing to say.

8. I believe in euthanasia and do not understand the difference between suicide and euthanasia.

9. I do not believe in the existence of a higher power, god, etc. It does not seem right. In fact, it sounds hilarious.

10. I have lost the will to read fiction especially after reading a few of Ayn Rand's creations.
I hate that beach (another misuse of the English language)

11. I like reading useful newspapers (business news) and useless newspapers (HT Cafe, BT, etc.)
Normal news is so stupid and irrelevant that I stick to a headline for approximately 0.15 seconds.

12. I get scared of people because they are so stupid at times.
Eg. Someone might find something offensive written here and come to kill me - not that I am of any importance - but hey, that guy must be so lukkha that he has nothing better to do than to kill me.

13. I aim to build a hospital, a school, a college, an orpahnage, an old people's home and if possible, multiplications of the same thereafter.

14. I hate girls because they make me look at them because they are pretty at times.
Clarification: I never stare and always make it a point to keep my mouth shut even if someone is drop dead gorgeous - precisely why I hate them.
Firstly, they look pretty; secondly, they don't like guys staring at them.
Eventually a guy has to pretend to not have looked at them.
It's a sad sad situation (Elton John - even though he is gay).

15. I like pretending I am gay, because that is the simplest way of getting people to accept them as part of us. I do not like homphobics (alas! the stupid dominate the world).
Gay Sera Sera

16. I am a romantic fool.

17. I don't like photos where people look at the camera and smile.
Make it real!!!

18. I am proud of my academic achievements but realise that ki farak paindaaaaaa. Because it already does not matter.

19. I like not talking to my close friends at times - it feels nice.

20. I am a perpetually frustrated soul who has realised that he will never be happy.
21. I wore a turquoise / blue / navy Hawaiian style shirt with beige shorts, black socks, red shoes and a blue bracelet for a funky themed party.

22. I love Biryani and am still searching for the ultimate biryani. It is sad, how underrated that dish is. The smell sometimes tends to fill my tummy.

23. I feel glad when people call me wierd, stupid, pagal, crazy, joker, etc.

24. I love Garfield, The Joker, Howard Roark, Calvin and Tirath.

25. I love being impulsive at times and actually carrying on action based on impulse. It is the closest I can be to an animal.

26. I like crying.

27. I can recite the alphabet backwards.

28. I discovered a formula in Maths in 6th Std.

29. I hate stupid but stupid makes me laugh if I am in to mood for it.

30. I am bad at counting.

Aging

It is purpose that drives us all. Purpose, when we were younger, used to be pretty immediate. The next homework, the next time we can go out to play, the next tasty treat, waiting till one can cuddle up in bed. Purpose somehow tends to become stretched farther away from the immediate future. As we grow, we plan more. We plan for things because we believe that that will lead us to our plateau of happiness. The purpose changes to having a great family, a long lived relationship, a one night stand each day, a trek to a far away place, a well paying job, a great car, a nice plate of food at a good restaurant and/or social status. It is interesting to note how we change our purpose; not the purpose itself but the magnitude or the immediacy of the purpose. Instant gratification is all we have left that leads us back to our roots. Ignorance is bliss, and I love that statement. One amusing turning point in some people's lives is retirement. Some like to postpone it because they enjoy their work life or hectic life, some like to postpone it because they are afraid of such a drastic change, some wait for it because all the things that they want to do post-retirement are chalked out.

It amuses me that we spend 20-25 years of our lives learning how to live our lives and earn money, the next 35-45 years are spent battling society and competition, striving to excel and reach goals. What is left, when we are too old to do some sorts of physical activities, we try to use that time to 'enjoy' ourselves.
It amuses me that we are kids till our 20's and then we become responsible adults and start waiting for parenthood. Our parents always see their kids in us even though we may be 40 years old.
It amuses me that we will barely ever empathize with our parents because by the time we are that age, we would have forgotten what our original relationship was exactly like.
It amuses me when I see people spending time with other people whom they don't even like. It is never easy to be non-nice.
It fascinates me whenever I hear certain songs that are well written and are open to interpretation.
It fascinates me whenever I think of my past and what I had been, have become and am becoming.
For now, I wait for the 2 relatively immediate moments.
Just waiting till the shine wears off.

English

The english that the world is learning nowadays is american english. I realized this a while ago. Whenever I see a non-native speaker around my campus, I see that the english that they speak and therefore believe to be the 'one and only form of english' is american.
Nothing wrong with that... but it is interesting to note how english has left the UK to become an American identity.

Yesterday, one guy asked me "What language do you speak back home?"
The answer surprised me - when I said that I speak 3 languages on a daily basis and for all practical purposes, english is in fact my native language or my first language.

It is also interesting to note that the British, the Australian, the New Zealanders or the Americans might have their typical way of using the language - however, the Indian way is not used as confidently by Indians as is by the aforementioned nationalities.

I believe (and that is the flaw - believe) that if an Australian comes to the US he will not switch to the American accent. However, many Indians will. Much of it has to do with the speed with which we speak english and the fact that as an Indian it is mildly difficult to speak in english only, as we Indians usually use english in conjunction with some other 'native' language.

Some people may come to believe that I have issues with people speaking in non-native accents. That is not entirely true.
What I do have a problem with is the partial accents (It's almost there but not quite) and the temporary accents (changes as the colour of the addressee changes).
Even the partial accents I will very willingly accept, however the temporary accents are just hilarious.

Bubblegum v/s Suit

There is a difference between a guy chewing bubblegum explaining something - about let's say the chemical industry - intuitively and a guy wearing a suit standing at a podium and presenting to an audience of many people and talking theoretically.

There is a reason why people are impressed with marketing people or verbose people. The skill of putting things in prettier, more technical or more impressive words is highly appreciated and often overlooked.

But such is human behavior.
We form judgments based on first impressions.

FaceBook

I wonder if Facebook is a stalking device.
It is just so very sad that technology has removed the element of "who knows!!??"
I have written about this before. So shall not write again.

People

People like talking about other people. If it pertains to people who matter and people who you care about - may be that is pardonable.
However, people talk about other people who really do not matter to them.
It's fun to listen to.

Another case: Dude talking about the derivatives class. "People have got so badly burnt in derivatives; it all depends on luck. You know, derivatives is like playing poker with sharks. One day you will definitely get killed."
I laugh in my head.

The road ahead - 7 months and less

Time flies by and I miss you each day. How did things come to this and where shall things go from here? I sit here as I see the sunny sky and I look for my purpose. There is nothing in my head and I cry to myself. I cry to myself as I long for sleep. I am deprived of joy and crave for a high. My heart burns now, as I see things that are not really real. It is all in my head and may be I go nowhere. All that is there is pretense. Eventually, everything pans out well methinks. However, I cannot help but whine. For now, I believe there are 2 broad things that I need to attain and those 2 things ought to make me stable in my outlook. This is what makes happiness a pursuit. It's all about a hope and I have made no contingencies. I am scared of what things will be like if I don't attain these 2 things. Then again, memories are short and life has a way of paving a road. A few tears here and there, and I should be alright.

Sadness Prevails

I face dilemmas, like most other creatures.
If I don't care about a subject, it is difficult for me to contribute even reasonably to it.
My primary concern as of now is to land a job - one that I want.
I feel tired
I feel strained
Because, somehow I just do not have a nice plan chalked.
Then again, very few people do.
Then again, I should not care about others' behaviors.
Frankly, I am scared.
The repercussions of me not landing a favorable job are, well, unthinkable.
In addition to this, there is something very high on my priority list - may be as important as the job - that I need to settle upon reaching India.

The fundamental issue is due to my belief that I am way above mediocre.
In addition, what I want to create is questionable and distant.
The problem is desires.
If my desires were set low, I would have been alright.

I sometimes wonder if I am capable of doing all that I dream of.
Capability stems from capacity and from perseverance.
Wonder if I have it in me to slug it out.

Mr. Nobody

There are people who I laugh at - in my head.
Sometimes I just cannot tolerate them.
I saw today, that I have nothing against people who cannot talk well in english.
I saw that those people are trying very hard to fit into a different world.
People have ambitions and people strive to reach them.

There are people, who I believe have a potential to succeed, be it socially, be it materially, be it based on happiness.
The will and the steady head is amiss at times.

I realised one thing yesterday night... it was that the people who I truly like - I have not judged them.
It is clearly an anomaly, but works out well for me.

People love to seem impressive.
People love to follow things that could make them seem impressive.
"The Subprime crisis is crazy!" - People will love murmuring about it.

I write these things about people - but I know who I am.
Mr. Nobody.

Gobblers

Open your mouths and eat all that you can!!
You filthy creatures sitting all around!
There is nothing that you shall grow up to be!!
For there is nothing nutritious about the things you can digest...
It is what you create - that determines your value.
May be.

I am sitting in a classroom where the 'professor' is teaching something very elementary.
Secondly, this particular professor has rigid beliefs: "Debt is good! Because you get a tax benefit!"

There are people around who do not care or enjoy or love finance as much as I do. The deal is, in effect, I am saying that I am great.
But greatness is relative and - simply - I know that I am nothing.
But nothing is also relative.


It is sad that I have a belief that I am good.


This warrants me to appreciate Prof. Brooke. She is a hulk when it comes to teaching. Real examples, real cases, all opinions welcome and she will strike down stupid opinions without appearing demeaning. One just knows that she works really hard to build her course to make it amazing. Hopefully she does well in her career.

Random

People will never cease to amuse me. There are questions. There are answers. Most of them worthless. People do not have any real motive. Things are just done. There is a need to impress others. There is a want to be someone who one is clearly not. But where is the difference. There is a lot of weightage given to how impressive one can appear to be. The problem with most studies is, studies need to be quantified and detailed. At least now, that is the case. In the past, one could form opinions and that would be good enough. I believe that the world is struggling to be independent. There is a need to be a part. Then again, there is another thought that believes people have become much more independent.
May be what I am hinting at is that the number of people who can be independent is very small as compared to the herd. And may be that is how the world can best function. It may be human nature in itself - dominance is possible only when there are 'lesser' people.

Experiments with Society

Man is a social animal - One of the most commonly used phrases to initiate a discussion on the evolution of communication. What set my mind racing was the movie: Into the Wild. Alexander Supertramp speaks about how man needs to go back to his roots and be sane and uncivilized again. Now, that is a far out concept because there are too many things about modern life that man enjoys.
One of the fundamental aims of yoga is to connect the mind, body and soul (whatever they may be). I understand it as a reason to go back, forget things and be natural. There are a few humans who like to go away, be it for an hour, be it for a week. What this does is simple, it allows man to disconnect and in effect, re-connect with him/herself.
The mania of mobile phones and the internet has weirdly influenced human behavior. Facebook, Gmail, cell phones, etc leave no element of surprise. It is more and more difficult to surprise a lost friend, be independent, etc. You are always reachable. Most people feel handicapped without cell phones - something I empathize with.

My experiment that started today morning was to disconnect myself from Facebook. There is not much that I would do on that website, but I saw it draining away some of my time. Time that I could put to use by reading, resting or going out for a walk. Yes, I will lose my ability to entertain myself (a bit). But that is what an experiment is. I don't think it is too difficult to do this; however, FB is such a large part of one's life nowadays that it is akin to eating food and chewing it.

I believe I will succeed. I have no idea what I will gain from this exercise, but it will be interesting - that is for sure. I still look forward to a week without my cell phone. Nobody may call you in a week, but the cellphone allows one to rid oneself of anxiousness regarding safety, civilization and all that jazz.
I shall do the cell phone thing one day. Hopefully.

Outstanding people

There are instances when I look back and think of who I used to be.
There are changes in behavior, outlook, goals, thought processes, rationality, preferences, beliefs.
Some events or some people make you go back and think about how things have changed.
However, the people who really make you think are the people who you look up to, admire or detest. By this I don't mean the people who have been your friends for a long time.
I mean the people who have come to know recently and put you on a different plane when you are around them.
One of the most important fallouts is that you tend to assess yourself around people like this and thereby try to make yourself more respectable in your eyes.

Control

There is an old thought that I thought I had penned, so was trying to find it. However, I found only an excerpt. So I have to write it, because we all know how temporary our memories are.
Control - and what it implies.
I believe this was about 3-4 years ago.

What decides your sorrow or rather your emotions?
Broadly, 2 things. Things beyond your control, and things within your control ( or at least the control you believe to have).
I said: The things that are beyond your control tend to affect you a lot more - in terms of instances - than the things that are within your control. The magnitude, however, is sharper with the things within our control.
Occasionally, the things beyond our control are given too much importance and we let them affect us drastically. Remember, to think for a moment.
Think whether you could have done anything to change that situation.
Personally, I believe, I do not let uncontrollable things affect me. However, the things that I control, have the ability to control, have the desire to control and believe that I control affect me drastically.
Thankfully, it is not a long list.

For a long time now, my advice has been; if somethings are beyond your control, think hard about it and let it pass. It does not deserve your anguish.

A month ago, I was asked by a friend here: You don't believe in god, so what do you do when you are angry or depressed?
I said: I try to rationalize, if that doesn't work... I cry.

Heavy Heart

Sometimes there is this heavy feeling in your heart; when your heart actually feels loaded. I wonder if it is biological, but it has happened to me in the past.
Usually related to anticipation of any nature. Relationships, Bad News, Results, Career... things like that methinks.
I enjoy (and am pained by) the way I think and relate things.
This feeling of anticipation stems from the possibility of a new path.
The new path usually gives hope.
Let's say for example: response to an MBA application.
We are prone to believing that something is missing and thereby we take steps to plug those holes and make them whole (added a little joke there ;)).

This brings me to one of my first thoughts upon coming to Champaign.
I remember thinking to myself when classes started...
I said : People in this class, some of them are going to hook up.
And as predicted, now there are 4 new couples if not more.
Of course, I also believe that romance and love is not the only way for humans to keep themselves happy, so inadvertently; sex is thrown into the picture.

Is there anything wrong with this?
For people who know me, I believe you know my take on this subject.

It is all about keeping yourself happy.
As for me; I am still looking out for what I need to hold on to.
Therefore nothing can yet mend this heavy heart of mine.

Salvation

Listening to Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch and every time I listen to this song I get mixed emotions. Simply because I have trouble understanding what this song means. For some reason, I see detachment; I also see tears. There is some love involved and a lot of regret. May be that this what songs create - emotions and dreams. It works both ways, I believe.
Listening to this song in the right mood makes me want to cry, which of course I can't.
It makes me want to go away from belongings for a bit. A bit, because I am not strong enough to leave things. Of course not.
I realize that I am tired but still willing to go on. I wonder at times whether I will ever give up and whether I ever find anything to hold me together.

Temp

I thought of a thought.
Everything is temporary.
And as my thoughts go... they are never standalone.
So, everything is temporary.
This implies that everything is inconsequential in the long run.

Going further.
If this be the case (which in fact, is) why is happiness given so much prominence?
It is because the short run tends to matter a lot more than the long run in most cases.

However, as with most things... this too has anomalies.
Some creatures care about the long run.
Therefore, many things are postponed to tomorrow or thought of in the future tense (pun intended).
These are the creatures who stare away and keep wondering why life tends to be so difficult to pass by.
For them, life is not meant to be 'passed by'.

Remember, my pretty readers.
Everything is temporary.
And you are only stardust...

Appiness

The concept of happiness and pleasure. We walk along, believing that happiness lies at the end of that spot ahead. We believe that this is a job that I don't like, there is the friend I get annoyed with. I hate living with these guys. I wish I was by myself. I just hope I had that great shirt and jacket. What if I had that body? That would really make me happy. What I am addressing is very juvenile and yet, complicated.
People go to alcohol and prohibited drugs; people smoke and act insane. I had written about this long back - the pursuit of happiness...
How did that guy know that happiness would be a pursuit!!!???
Start small ...
Pizza with a friend.
Movie with a friend.
Girlfriend.
Drive alone.
Getting wet in the rain.
Again - if you read this.. it must have been a waste of your time.
But think aboat it and ask yourself.

Are you postponing happiness?
I sure am.

Choices

this is an excerpt from House MD, a guy gets to ask Greg a question, which Greg proceeds to answer. the question was to the effect of:
why did you become a doctor? Clearly you don't like people, and if you like solving things you could have been a researcher.

When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

apparently, this is why House chose to be a doctor. It is intriguing - how people choose and / or not choose.

Why I love House

Spoken like a true circle queen.
See, skinny, socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle.
Everyone inside the circle is normal.
Everyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle.
Failing that, they should be institutionalized.
Or worse... pitied.

So is it wrong to feel sorry for this kid?


Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading?
This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or excretions or your grandma's itchy place.
Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties?
I don't pity this kid.
I envy him.

The Rolling Stones

1st episode of Season 3 of House MD - towards the end, the song that is played is - You can't always get what you want.
The song goes on to say that, "when you try sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need. "
Very tricky sentence.

Another song that can be derived from the title is by Bob Dylan
:D
How does it feel?
To be on you own...
With no direction home!!!
Like a complete unknown!!!
Like a rolling stone?

When you got nothing you got.... nothing to lose!!!

Random

There is no rest.
There are no answers.
I am tired.

Rumination

It is intriguing, how I feel useful and useless in the same day.
I feel sad at times.
I try to find a meaning to my being each day.
And convince myself with a decent answer, knowing partially how I don't have an answer yet.
This makes me believe at times, that most people also fool themselves with having found a meaning to their individual lives.
But here is the point.
As long as you can fool yourself without knowing about it, you have managed to believe in your foolishness and thereby you are real.
This may come across to most as a guy(me) trying to sound really enlightened.
Brah!

I have been called a sweet guy too often.
Makes me believe, that I am sweet simply because many are not.
Therefore it is all relative.

Another bone;
I am a nice guy especially because I hail from a rich family.
Most guys from rich families turn out to be brats.
Therefore, this again is relative.

One more;
I was said to be smart in BMS.
But let's face it, I was competing with people - many of whom had no great ambition and many of whom were from 'Commerce'.
So let me be called a bitch.
For I have said what is not to be said because it is 'frowned upon'.

I remember saying once, " I just want to change the world. "
Note that the above sentence has / had no exclamation mark.

I zoom out at times and see this world from another perspective.
Not that I believe that I am great or I know things that most don't.
All I believe is this:
There is no need to believe in a set of rules and guidelines.

I miss happiness.
But I have certain beliefs as to how I could possibly attain that happiness.

One is companionship.
One is providing guidance.
One is taking a real vacation.
One is creating wealth - if that concept makes sense; highly debatable.
One is companionship.

I tell you this.
I am already dying a worthless death.
Frown.
Alas.
Boo Hoo.

Connecting time

I face problems. Who doesn't? Eh??!!
I was pretty restless in India. I felt underutilized and that I was slowly adjusting to the rich life. I had few friends. I had a partial life. I could not have gone on like that.
I am here now, and I battle myself. I ask whether I am using my time effectively, whether I will ever reach my goals, whether I will ever fully understand my goals, whether I will keep evolving.
I feel happy at times, thinking of what I have left behind - for I know that relative to where I was, I am much better off now.
And then I remember something that a friend told me.

"For the most part we all kid ourselves saying and believing that we are happy where we are. We are all deeply flawed. It doesn't exactly take courage to run away. It takes fear. Works both ways."

We are all deeply flawed.
And we are all a part of the Brownian Motion :-D

Am I a nice guy?

It is nice to know that nice people still exist.
Another thing that I may have realised:
I believe that I am a bitch.
And that is because the thoughts in my head remain in my head.
However, people around me - I believe - may not share my opinion.
For I have come to believe that some people believe that I am a nice guy.

Now, it takes some strength to write this.
Why?
Because it is insane and marginally moronic to write 'good' stuff about yourself; that too from another person's perspective. It labels one as haughty. I am sure, that is one thought that may have come to your head as you read this.

The Goat

The last episode of season 4 in How I met your mother has a speech by Lily. She refers to a goat in the apartment and how the goat (she) just cared about the wash cloth and following it, without realising why she was following the cloth. Lily used that as a reference to tell Ted 'aboat' how he might be doing the same thing; pursuing his architecture career where he is facing a hard time. So paths are switched.

Point being, a lot of us tend to become goats and get by.
Alas.
Such is life.

Marred-age

I had this discussion with a friend the other day; about how life changes or rather would change during marriage.
I said, "If you want to fart in your bed when you are alone, you will freely do it. However, if you sleep with someone(spouse), you just cannot fart. Well, may be, silently."
To which, another point raised by her (friend) was; "It is alright when you are a roomie with someone, coz then you have your own bedroom... but marriage... "

It is an interesting concept, this - marriage.

The Indian, the Korean and the half gay masseuse.

A few days ago I went to a pub with a friend - Korean. Nice time, had "Blue Moon" beer. Fantastico....
Anyways - - crux being...
A large American guy comes up to us: "Hey!! You mind if I sit with you guys???!!"
Before I could say .. "Yeahh..", Sean (Korean friend) says: "Sure... join us."

So this guy sits with us. I bottle up thinking what this bugger wants to do, joining a brown and a yellow guy :S

Things get interesting...
Excerpts:


"My name's Rummy, yeah... Rummy. Well my real name is Christopher something something... but I go by a lot of names."

"O... I am here for a course to become a trained masseuse."

"How much is the pitcher for around here??"
Sean: 11 bucks.
"11 bucks!!! Wow... I know this place where you get a pitcher for like 4$
If you want we could go there..."
Sean and me: Naaah - - we are done with this one..
"Okk.. you guys got a car? We should go there... It's on ****** Street.
It's a gay bar, but hey! You can be straight and still go there you know!!
It's very relieving to be at that sorta place."
At this time, Sean starts making a puking sound.


"You know.. my dad was in Korea once. He fought as an American over there long ago.
Funny thing is, he got gonorrhea by the time he came back.
So my mum flipped and she told my dad : "I'm gonna sleep with our neighbour just to spite you!
I hate that bitch; cause you know... my dad apologised. He said that it was really lonely there and he really regretted it. But I hate that bitch for what she did. She left us you know..."

"Once, the cops came over to my house wanting to arrest me for murder. I was like, hey!! I just had a lobster... you can't arrest me for murder."

"Hey.. 11 bucks huh? I know this place where we can get a pitcher for 4 bucks!!"
(Yeah he said it again.)

"You know I give very nice massages.. I know some (wink) tricks for a good massage."

(Turning around to another table pointing to a girl) " I'm gonna buy YOU a drink!!!!
And I don't even know why!!!"

(Turning to another table) "Daymm!!! Can't you keep it down!!! We are trying to have a conversation here."

"Why don't you guys give me your number?? I can call you guys for a party if there is one... It would be fun!"

"My friend got his friend over for a few days ;)
And she got her friend... So you know... I slept with her and it was awesome..
She said she was 18.
Turns out she was 16 - I was like O ****!!!
Later, her parents come looking for her.. and she had to camp at my place for a week!!
She would clean the apartment and everything!! Wow.. those were some good days."

Aaaah...
Words cannot do justice to how adorable that masseuse was :(
Alas.
We may not meet him again.

Random

I am now in my new apartment - well, actually it has been almost a week now - and I love it. It is comfortable and convenient. The bus to Walmart Savoy is right outside my place :)

Walmart Savoy - a night visit is a must. Firstly, it is one of the poorly organised Wallys, but I loved it because it seemed to have a larger flow of people than the one in north Champaign. Also, one will see very few Asian and college folks. It is mostly Americans. The beauty of a night visit is the number of cars willing to shop at that place at may be 9, 10 pm. The other beauty is, the view. It is black.
And this is no exaggeration. It is black in 2.5 directions. Something that made me very happy, relative to what I have seen up until now at UIUC. So now, Wally Savoy is my new haunt. Kind of.

I am away from most people. Because most people tend to stay towards the north of campus, near the campus grocery store. Do I prefer it this way? Yeah. Will I get lonely in the winters? May be. But I prefer that. Kind of. Good thing is, the school is 2 blocks away.

I faced my first addiction 3 days ago. Surprisingly, it was coffee. I got this new coffee machine, and made Folgers coffee in it. OMG it was amazing. Never had coffee that good before. The next 2 days, I was battling myself. I was determined not to give in. I did not, till the end of the 2nd day :(

I went jogging 4 days ago. My shins still hurt. Let's call it gujju jeans :P
Thing is, I went jogging to a secluded part of the campus. Of course, it was not that secluded because I saw a few buggers jogging too. Few = 2. So I veered of the pavement - of course - and I entered a parking lot surrounded on 3 sides by grass. The nearest building in sight was a good 10 minute walk away. So I stood there staring at the sky for may be ... 10-15 minutes.

I slept for an hour on the couch yesterday - which was more comfy than the bed :S

I decided to start cooking with garlic instead of "minced garlic" - and let me tell you... it is a totally a worth a it. Yeah baby!!

Baby reminds me... I missed babycorn - - - and finally I found a can of babycorn at the new wally :D
Wooooooohoooooooooooooo

Campbell chicken noodle soup with sugar and garam masala is awesome!

Doubt

Every time I think if I'm really that good...
I think: "Who is?"

Forrest Gump

For some odd reason, I thought of the day when I was watching Forrest Gump with 3 of my friends. The matter was, my belief, that day, that 2 of them were getting bored because nobody was speaking. You know, usually during a house movie screening people talk. Usually. It is the 'social' thing to do. I, of course, could not get myself to do that. Funny bit is, why do people care about other people.
In this case I would have to say that I cared for them not to be bored. Knowing their plight - they would have had no option. They could not have said, "We are getting bored, we want to leave."
The situation was such that the said people would have had to stay put. So there I was, feeling mildly awkward at that situation, but soon the movie gripped me and I stopped caring. I said that if they get bored - it's their problem. They should be voicing it.
Funny bit: I spoke to 1 of those friends some months ago about that day and the reply was; that is how movies are preferred by some people. Which is why that movie day was actually preferred to other scenarios by 1 of those 2 friends.
Amusing.

School

I remember a thought when I was pretty young.
I remember saying to myself, if there was no war - there would be a crazy lot of unemployment.
I remember thinking, why can't Pakistan and India unite and - the animosity would end.
I remember thinking, why can't all the countries unite? - people could not and cannot follow only one leader.
I remember not talking to too many people.
I remember keeping to myself and being shy.
I remember sitting towards the end of the line, when everyone got up in a rush and they ran / walked over me - literally.
I remember memorizing the alphabet backwards.
I remember walking and talking with my friend - thereby bypassing the exercise - during physical training periods.
I remember being made fun of for having white hair and I remember crying.
I remember the teacher asking me when India celebrates its independence day - and I did not know because I was scared.
I remember running up to the teacher being one of the first few to complete mental maths practices.
I remember crying - so often - before leaving for school.
I remember crying as soon as I woke up.
I distinctly remember having difficulty in walking down the stairs, and no problem walking up them.
I remember being unable to run - UNABLE to run.
I remember crying insane songs to which some of my classmates would laugh with joy.
I remember volunteering as the class representative for the head of the foyer because no other guy raised his hand.
I remember preparing a speech all by myself, eventually saying only the first and the last line.
I remember the cartoons and the food and the endless study sessions.
I remember the ignorance.
I remember picking up a knife because I was sick and tired of life - and this was in 7th or 8th Standard.
I remember putting it down because I cared to much about the people who cared about me.
I remember me cursing 'God'.
I remember me praying to 'God' sometimes.
I remember me enjoying 'needle work ' classes.
I remember me not taking a leak - almost never - during school because I was too shy.
I remember passing the water bottles to my classmates after school because we had been taught the 'Law of Karma'.
I remember the teacher astonished when I went up to her and told her about a formula that I had 'discovered'.
I remember my fascination with looking down from the fourth floor of the building, especially at the interior hollow hexagon (something that JNS students would know of).
I remember a school mate once telling me, "You should start speaking in English, because once we leave school - that is what will be important."
I remember a school mate siding me when some guys were making fun of me.
I remember their fake apologies.
I remember accidentally killing a snail along with its big shell - and then me running away, because I thought God was going to punish me.
I remember never craving a specific toy.
I remember sitting towards the end of the line, when everyone got up in a rush and they ran / walked over me - literally.

Happiness anyone?

Happiness is intriguing, simply because it could plausibly be the most looked forward to state in a person's life, even though that person might have higher priorities.
In setting goals and ambitions and final destinations - I believe a lot of people side line this feeling.
Who am I to pass my queer judgments? A human being - excuse me... a lame excuse for a human being.
Again... I know I am quite ordinary - but it can't hurt to dream right?
Left?

Tell yourself about a time when you were really happy.
Tell yourself about a time when you were really angry or distraught.
No, don't read ahead...
Tell yourself.

Did you like the quality of your answers in both the cases?
My guess, happiness is easily stored away, because we look forward to the next bout of happiness than cherish what has passed.
However, for the second case; we remember it and draw it over and over again and hope to not come across something like that again.
Proof?

Tell yourself about how you would like yourself to be immensely happy in the future / near future.
Tell yourself what would make you amazingly sad or angry.
The difference here is - - and again I could very plausibly be wrong; the second case has been brought up in your head before but not stored.
The 1st case however, is what you secretly desire all along.
Secretly because the actual state that need be achieved - happiness - masquerades as something different.

Note this.

I am 22.5 years old.

6 Lines

I pass judgments easily.
But I do not pass them to people easily.
I do not believe most things easily.
But the things I do, I do so very easily.
I believe I may be incapable of the things I want to achieve.
If only I knew what I wanted to achieve.

Days gone by

I think of the days gone by and I realise how relieved I am.
I am relieved to be without the burden of the past.
But as it is with most things,
Most things are not cherished.
Especially the good things
Referring to 'cherished' in mathematical absolute terms.
I am in a great position and I am not talking about sex.
I have the ability - mind you, I have not said 'capability', because that is grey - to get towards my path.
Or at the least, find that rotten path.
Why - because it is the 2nd last letter of the english alphabet.

It is amazing how we dump the past so effortlessly at times and hang on to it so rigidly at other times.

Eye - dent - it - ee

It is funny how the pursuit of luxury and comfort drives us - at least most of us.
Good clothes, presentable looks, coming to a neat home which may be spacious, a decent car to drive, the need to not think before going to an expensive restaurant...
It all seems to fit in with all things capitalist.
Or are they all things societal?
I would like to call it societal.
Simply because society determines relativity.
The concept of success and power and money have yet not ceased to amaze me.
Which may be why I have been speaking of it for - may be - ever.
I like observing humans because I see that they are always struggling because there is somewhere they have to reach.
Money, power, the perfect figure, the perfect date, looking good, learning something to new, getting in in time for office, trying the best to enjoy a vacation.
Nothing seems simple.
And frankly, I am terrified of the simplicity because there is a need for distinction.
And that need I just cannot gt rid of - nor do I want to.
For some reason let me hypothesize that that is the only source of identity in this world.
Distinction.
Sometimes I wonder if this is messing with my identity.
Most of the times I prefer my solitude and sometimes it strikes me that hey! I dont really have anybody.
And at times I feel that I have some people who I can call my own.
Do you need people of your own...?
I wonder... because what is the real need to belong.
A friend once told me not to be high and almighty.
I don't think I am mighty at all.
I feel frail and mighty at the same time.

I don't like belonging to paths.
And I cannot seem to get over it.
Life is cruel and life is a game.
May be I am just not that much into gaming.
Alas.

With this I should end my rambling of the inconsequential.
After all... we all end up in the same box.

Binoculars

People live to make money.
Some to spend money.
Some don't know what to do with money, so they save it.
Some like to flaunt it.
Some people like to live for a purpose or a 'greater good'.
Some people like to feel nice by doing good to other people.
Some people like saying that they good to other people.

Society completes each person - pun intended.
Some people love certain fields and immerse themselves in them.
Feeling important is important.
Some people like praising themselves about how they have such good intentions in their heads.
Some people believe that they are intuitively or psychologically superior to others.

There are some who go into their cocoons and look at the world very rarely.
Some people love family and friends.
Some people drink and eat.
Some people like sex and like sleep.
Some care about their standing in society but like to believe that they don't really care what society thinks of them.

Some are 'forced' to live for their families.
Some are 'forced' to take care of people who are dear to them, in effect end up walking through their lives.

There are people who are scared because they have no idea what they want to do with their lives.
There are people who don't understand why there is a reason to find a reason in life.
Some dedicate themselves to religion.
Some people believe that there is nothing wrong in committing suicide as soon as one finds no reason to live one's life.

We have our reasons, but no matter what we do, we end up in the same form.

Another observatory

There is a great desire to monitor human behavior.
The other day a friend asked me, "So what do you think of that person?"
I had the answer in my head - and I decided not to divulge.
I am harshly judgmental but I dont think I am an anomaly.
One problem that I see is that being judgmental is perceived to be 'bad' by most people.
And that is sad.
For what is so bad about noticing people and laughing at them or pitying them or being in awe of them?
These opinions keep resounding in my head...

Ok, that person is interesting.
Daym!! that person is dumb - please be away from him Tiru.
Wow, how juvenile can that guy be, I thought he was 23 years old...
I see the look on your face, and you are so full of yourself that I see it poring out from your skin; stay away.
Don't you just love putting people down?

I have an affinity for silent people and people who enjoy humans.
I am quick to rate people as intelligent, and quick to denounce one's intelligence due to an absence of social intelligence or creative brilliance.

I wonder what people think of me; it would be insane of me to say that I don't care what people think of me, but it would be correct if I say that I don't want to care.

I question the society, and the goals.
A functional mind is painful - and this goes out to all the insane people out there.
People love being heard, esp. if it is a smart comment or a wisecrack.
One thing that intrigues me is, during a movie a person might say, "O crap!!!"
Now my belief is, if that person was watching the movie alone at home, he might not have said that. He would most probably not have said anything at all. If he would have said it, it would have been without the emotion in his voice. There is a change in behavior as soon as a person is part of fellow kind.

Most of what I say could very well be irrelevant, and completely juvenile and downright horrible. So a thought just occurred to me, why do I write on a blog that is visible to people. I could very well just write in a personal space. So may be, I want people to read this and praise me or at the least comment about it.
And now I just thought of it; if there were no people on this planet, I would still have liked to write this, but comments are always welcome.

People who believe they are smart are wonderful specimen,
People who like feeling important and worthy are also nice observations.
Loud people turn me off, but then again I like to think that I know how to differentiate between noise and melody.

I wonder if most people, in reality, like being with themselves.

The Notebook

So I saw this movie, and in the beginning of the movie itself, I had figured out who the old couple were. But that is just me praising myself - so enough of that.
Point is: I cried, because they were just so nice together.
Daym I AM a girl - alas...
But the thought that stayed with me was regarding memory loss and therefore I questioned reality. In one of my earlier posts I had written about waking up each day with a different consciousness and thereby, reality.

One thought that sprung up due to the movie was regarding companionship and society.
How sad would it be if one did not remember anything? If one is not aware of that memory loss, one would not be affected - however, how pathetically sad would it be for one's companion or loved ones? It is just a thought about how attached we are or become to fellow humans. That is one reason why I love House, he is a real outlier - mew + may be 4 sigma.

The other thought was regarding reality. The woman in the movie, would never know if it was the same day or the next day. Therefore, what is her belief of reality?

The movie was sad in the beginning - sad in the sense of lame - where it was like a 90's hindi movie :D
Hmmmmm - but then got really interesting.

Just makes me realise at times how much I like humans and their behavior.
Again, reiteration is warranted - - - I am nobody.

Some basic truths said by a child.

Large eyes popped out from the white clouds that hung overhead.
They gazed at the world below.
All seemed at ease.
And all seemed perfect.
May be all was perfect.
But in a corner of a lonely house sat a lady.
She was young, around 24 years of age.
It was a questionable age, full of confusion and deceit.
She wailed alone in that dark room.
For her sobs could not be heard.
And down he came from the clouds, in the guise of a child.
Tapping her on the shoulder, he startled her.
Noticing only a boy, the girl found comfort in his innocence.
The boy asked the girl, " Who are you? "

The girl did not have an answer.
She did not have an answer, because, when the boy asked that question - she knew that what is evident was not asked.
The girl was alone because she just completed a marathon, where she fell before the finish line.
The girl was alone because she fell from the sky without a parachute.
She was alone for she had no shoulder to cry on.
She was alone for she had not a reason to wake up each morning.
She had not cried before, because she had not questioned before.

The girl countered the boy with a mundane question.
"Why must we look presentable?"
Boy: "Do we? Hmmm. If you say so."

"Why must I take care of my body? Is it only to please the eyes of the lecherous?"
Boy: "O no! You do it because you believe that inadvertently you will attract suitable beings. You ought to do it, because a healthy body allows a healthy function of the mind."

"Why do we have to earn money?"
Boy: "It is a means to attain that what is desired. It could be food or convenient food, it could be a house or a home, it could be work or a utilised life. Your eyes are yours and your mind is yours."

"Why do we need companions?"
Boy: "That is one question that even I have had trouble with. The thing is, one does not necessarily need companions. But the society has evolved in such a way that after a while 2 things happen. One - you want to come home to somebody, either to fulfill romantic / sexual indulgences or to fulfill emotional holes. Two - Option one has developed from the fact that after a while, single people find other people - because that is the way of society. So if you have friends right now and if you want to meet them - - it's all good.
But after a while, when they are with their respective companions, you cannot be an odd number in the group, and you cannot ask one to leave the other so that the one can be with you.
It is a sad truth.
I also believe that romance and love and fidelity are secondary. The primary is the fact that you need to get yourself a good companion for as long as possible.
It is one of the easiest, and troublesome paths that one must adopt."

"Why must I believe in god?"
Boy: "O that one is simple - one believe because one wants to believe. It is easier to believe than not to believe. Does god exist? How do I know?"

"Why is there a pursuit of excellence, be it in terms of wealth, power, materialism, intellect or even vanity?"
Boy: "It is the way of the world O wonderful girl. What makes you different makes you special. With all that we try to shun the without, it is the without that we are a part of. One may keep believing that the individual is superior, but the individual is an individual because he / she is a subset of the whole.
Of course, there are anomalies, and these outliers are the ones that are the true great.
Do you know any of these anomalies? I don't.
The great beings of the past many years have been close to that title, but because they are known, they are not the ones."

"How do I stop crying?"
Boy: " You already have. As soon as your mind is preoccupied with something, sorrow leaves you. "

Know not what you ought to do to become someone you want to.
Do what you feel like.
It is a fine balance amongst the ignorant, the intellectuals and the insane.

The American and the Asian

Circularity; a thought just occurred to me.
People like looking good, at the least presentable, because that is what is bred.
Who would you have mistakenly sleeping on your shoulder on a bus? -
A drunk unshaven guy or a decent looking guy.
I know, neither - but if one would have to choose - we know who we would choose.
I did not talk about a girl, coz no one would like an bearded girl...
May be there is a belief of lesser danger from a cleaner looking person.
May be we are disgusted by the mere thought of dirty people.
Is there something wrong with this?
No.
But my thought is, why do we discriminate.
Not being self righteous here - just that it is a thought.

At this very moment - I have a quintessential american guy on a table not far away, sitting with an asian guy, and I believe that the american is talking to him about the american culture or the english language.
Anything wrong with that?
No.
Why am I talking about it?
Simply because of the way the american is conducting himself.
May be he is himself - but I dont buy that.
I see the way he is trying to look impressive and seem to have a command over the english language. There is a variance in his tone, the way he looks at the asian, the way he is sitting with a tie around his shirt collar.
Anything wrong with that?
I dont think so.
But why do I get annoyed?
I think it is because I admire the humble and simple and the sheer brilliance.
Just imagine that a guy in shorts is talking to the asian in a friendly manner and trying to teach him english.
It is plausible that the tied and shirted guy is going to command more respect.
I believe this is just the way we have been made, or lets say - molded.

I saw this movie today - Good Will Hunting.
One of the things that struck me was how, after Will proved a question he did not care about the adulation. I believe that all of us have also been molded to want some respect or praise or acknowledgment.
It is difficult to remain silent and bask in one's glory without the knowledge that others know of you.
May be why I loved (love) Roark, or why I am attracted towards the silent impressive lookers.

Human behaviour shall never be quantified.


Addendum:
American to asian girls walking by: " Do you speak chinese? "
Girls: " No - sorry "
American: " O that's alright . . I speak some chinese... "

Where are we going?

Firstly, thank you to my friend who provides me with outrageous movies.
Going on, Chaos.
Saw this movie today, Pi. Outrageous, simply because it stimulates one's mind.
I said, if nature is natural, and if a bee is natural, and what it does is natural then why is what a human does, "man-made" and not natural. There could possibly be an order to the chaos or the apparent individualism.
I believe this is where Ayn Rand also steps in, with her belief of individualism.
Humans, love being in control - thereby, love being individuals.
A person may be part of a group and may be following a herd. But if I tell that person, 'O, so you are just following the herd?' - we know how offended that person would be.
There are people who love being safe.
There are people who love believing they are safe.
There are people who love believing they control certain aspects of their lives.
Why is there a concept of 'fate' or 'destiny'?
Was it a control that was imposed ti provide people with a belief of being safe?

Is it possible that there is an order to everything?
It is possible.
Do I want to believe it?
No.
Could I accept it?
Yes.
Do I believe in the outrageous being possible?
Yes.

I discovered a maths formula in school - and that formula still intrigues me.
I believe that not many people would know it - and if there be people who read this post and ask me for it, I do not want to share it without my will. Does it prove that I was/am brilliant?
Far from it.
Why is the Pythagoras theorem so absolute?
Why is the fibonacci sequence observed in nature?
Why is 2 such an important number?
Why is a circle so amazing, that in 3 dimensions, it influences astrophysics?

I know too little to ask more questions.

How has a floppy disc that held 1.44 Mb evolved to more than 4 Gb?
When will this system crumble under its own advances?

Sciences are around us, even though the skeptics love believing that science has made lesser advances in the recent past.
If the computer has evolved so drastically in 14 years, from windows 95, low ram, low hard disk, black and white curved screens, no internet to what it is now - where are we going with this?
And how far can we go with this?

I believe in cleaner technology, greater computing, increased efficiencies, nuclear war, biological wars, firesales and annihilation.
I believe that humans will not get past 2020 without a huge catastrophe.
Alas.