Death

This is because I am the way I am...
I am flying on 31st night, landing 1st morning.. therefore, a 'new year'.

Sinking feeling that either I will die in a plane crash because of terrorism or - on a lighter note - get stuck somewhere because of mayhem.
Than again, people will be chilling, so terrorists wont be able to kill too many people...
May be I will survive...

I am so useless.

Addendum: I made it safely. No drama :(

Reminder

This was me, when I used to be in school. I have this near my bed and I decided to keep this as a reminder a long time ago. I had figured back then that I would be a different person certain years from then onwards... and I needed to know who I was then.

It serves me as a reminder of the fact that I am nobody. I have received certain chances because of the Ovarian lottery and I have worked relatively well to (try to) attain somethings...
I do not deserve anything and I am here to do the best that I can without changing myself drastically.
I will die one day, as will you.
I said somethings today that had been inside me for too long.
I am glad they are out...
Glad because I heard me saying it that well for the first time.
I believe I won't get all those things I listed.
I shall try.
And hope I don't stop trying.


Addendum:
It also serves as a reminder of the fact that we are all equal and that we are all temporary. There are times when I miss life and there are times that decisions need to be taken, pertaining to qualifying my time.
We are continually programmed to grow up a certain way and we should look beyond the near future at times because a lot of things are just too inconsequential to worry about.

Poetry

"Zindagi mai toh sabhi pyaar kiya kartey hai...
Mai toh mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tumjhe chahoonga

Tu mila hai toh yeh ehsaas hua hai mujhko
Yeh meri ummr mohabbat ke liye thodi hai..."

Fuzon; was a tribute to Mehdi Hasan
Beautiful isn't it?




"In life, people keep falling in love...
I, even after I die my love, will keep loving you

Now that I have found you, I have realized
This age of mine is too less for love..."

Crude and may be incorrect

Meaningless

We know of how important some relationships are to us; and we believe we know how the end of those relationships will break us. Relationships have a way of denting us and molding who we have become and who will continue to evolve into...
I believe I am a numb guy because of my pathetic memory; however, I care a lot about some people and marginally care about a few, but don't care about most.
And when I think of this, I believe all of us are like this. We are filled with people who we use to kill time, to feel better, to discuss stuff, to laugh a bit...

A wise, albeit idiotic person said this well, " I want nothing out of some relationships except having them - hence meaningless. "
Meaningless relationships - it is a fantastic thought, but one which gels perfectly into who we are. Just that 'meaningless relationships' is a social taboo.

I have to assume that that term is just too raw and blunt to be used freely in society. Take a moment and look around yourself; we kid ourselves into thinking that we care a lot. Even the people that people assume they care about, they don't really care about. There are only a select few.

I believe the best settings to explain this are classrooms and workplaces; this is because the people we choose to hang out with, are exactly that - chosen.
The chosen few can never always be there, which is why we need plugs in our lives.
These create our beautiful, meaningless relationships.

The day after tomorrow

Have a longing to leave my mobile phone and laptop, and go to a place like Bhutan. Well, I believe... anywhere close to nature. Of course, I don't wish to live in the wilderness; I want to be away from things. And, if I do get a job and if I do have time to kill - I want to go away. Not for long, may be a week...

I sincerely believe that humans have forgotten themselves and have forgotten relationships.
Love, sex, affection, comfort, comfort, comfort, security, security and security. I believe this could sum it all up.

Consciousness could end at anytime.
People have forgotten to grasp at things.
Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future"

It tends to boil down to Regret & Guilt
I could very well wait for my trip and say that I will do it at a later time. The 'later time' never comes by.

Grasping things, again, will leave regrets. I could go on that trip and break my spine :D

Blue Mind

"Remember when you were only a child;
And start to see with your blue mind..." - Alexi Murdoch

It simplifies things, because we tend to worry so much. And don't you dare grin, because you know how much you worry about everything! :D

People fall in love,
Part ways,
Die,
Lose their jobs,
Grow tired of their lives,
Grow tired of their health,
Don't relish the simple things in life such as sleep, food & company,
Dislike work,
Dislike society and family...

"Remember when you were only a child"
And thought of the food that your mom fed you;
And cried when you would fall down hard;
And smiled when one would hold you tight...
And smile when one would hold you close;
And smile when one would make you sleep...

How does it feel?

I had to note this because it was so wonderful :D

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it

I clapped when Dylan sang that line :)
Abs. beautiful song...

Indian Girls

Indian girls are crazily pretty. I can say this with confidence because I have been in a different country for 7 months. They may be hot, they may look doll-like, they may know how to dress up well; but Indian girls have something in their faces that makes them stand apart. May be there is something about how clothes fall on an Indian girl that accentuates her beauty. I am sad that I am going back to US for 5 months (I think).
I was open to working in Singapore earlier and now I am more keen on it. Don't get me wrong, because it's not the chicks; it's the culture. :D
Singapore, HK & US were my preferred destinations (and still are); and from these 3, Singapore would be the closest to the Indian culture, even though the place is nothing like India. I remember it from about 6 years ago and I remember being comfortable (may be because I was on vacation :P)

Coming back to the Indian girls' topic; I remember going to the Indian society at UIUC called "Dharma" and I remember that the prettiest Indian chick there was the darkest chick there. I remember how there is nothing that left me spellbound in UIUC; except for some Indian chicks and this 1 American who looked a lot like Avril Lavigne.
Indian chicks !
Feel proud - coz you chicks can be crazy beautiful :D

Understanding BS

Have been fretting for too long now; may be because that is just who I have become. One statement did help me out and I keep going back to it. But life is such that, at times, things keep piling up and as is with most people... we convert life into something more complex than it is.
Why do you want the things that you want? And once you don't get them, you usually move on to other things, don't you? Most people spend life in the same peculiar way; worry about money, earn money, spend money, spend time with friends, socialize, have notions about joy, build up frustration, etc. Movies have impacted human life so distinctly that humans start wanting things as they are in movies. The concept of love, friendship, well-being, material possessions, sadness, happiness; all of these are impacted marginally on an individual basis and drastically on a cumulative basis. Life is one long melodrama. I am saying this because today is one of those rare days when I have gone through so many emotional and energy levels. We all want to be heroes and some of us believe that we don't belong. But in the end, we all do.

Quotes

"What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history." - Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young, that way, when you get old, people wont think you are going ga ga." - David Ogilvy

"In the long run, we're all dead." - John Maynard Keynes

The Bathtub Memory

I think a lot about Buffett, more so because of who I perceive him to be as a person. This is about the bathtub memory...
Supposedly, he had a rough childhood and as is with most humans, he faced his share of BS through life. The one thing that he had going for him was his bathtub memory. He had an outstanding memory, but he could mask or remove bad memories from his head so that he could give more quality time to other matters.

The reason I write about this is, I have a pretty weird memory myself. I have a poor memory about my past; that is to say that I forget things very easily and may be, I don't know how voluntary that is. I say this because I know I had a very rough childhood; not because I actually had it rough, but because I had made it out to be rough. Nonetheless, I would have expected me to hold onto those memories. I hold regrets even now, but somehow - and this may be because I have a weird brain and a weird logic - I have focused well on the future.
I believe that one crucial determinant factor is that I have noticed how *some years* from now, all of us will (tend to) end up well. We have a way of worrying about the short term and in the long term, we do find a way past all our stupid situations.
Not a day goes by that I don't doubt myself and not a day goes by that I don't look up to who I might be someday.
Everything in life is temporary and I have been so grateful that my memory has served me well.
I look back at who I used to be and am astonished and ashamed.
I look ahead and know that sometime from now, things will be alright.
I had decided sometime ago that regrets won't get me anywhere; there is just too much to life (even though we may be aliens inside the matrix).

Today, I tell my readers:
Forget, forgive and move on...
Life is unkind.
Humans beings are weird in the sense that they have a brain which, in itself is so unusual.
It is all in our heads.
And if we keep our minds open.
And rid ourselves of our respective recycle bins and unused files;
Happiness is not elusive.
I envy people who are unconscious.
And I loathe them.
I look forward to this life.
But I told myself once...

If I die.
I want to smile and say that I did things...
Things that may be inconsequential,
But things that did determine who I became and who I was trying to become.
Reminds me of my earlier posts..
This and this

True Joy

The moments that make you restless are moments of anxiety. If it is a new step that you look forward to, you are anxious and it makes you sad in a most absurd way. It makes you sad and lonely because you know that if that source of happiness is not achieved, it would dismember a part of you; a part of you that you believe to be very close to who you want to be, based on your dreams and goals. Anticipation of things going a certain way makes you want to cry sometimes because the pressure is too much to bear. At times, I fast forward to where I want to be 5, may be 10 years from now and I see pictures. Steps towards those pictures make me afraid. The funny bit is that I know that there will always be a way; but happiness is something that you plan so well for but comes along without your will. The greatest moments of happiness are usually the ones that you look forward to, but come with such force that you would never have anticipated. The pursuit of happiness...

I may be a dreamer

Last paper for the Fall Semester tomorrow; yesterday, while I was trying to study for the Investments exam, I remember wandering off...
I was sitting on the couch, gazing away and talking to myself. When I regained consciousness, I realized that I had been talking and mumbling to myself for the past, may be, 45 minutes (OK, may be 30). I laughed and started singing, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Then thought for a fraction that may be I am the only one; then again, there are too many humans, so I don't think I would be the only one.
I grow afraid that I may be a dreamer and not a doer. Than again, I know that when I set my mind to something, I do become a doer.

Competition

People are competitive, and may be for the wrong reasons. 2 of my friends are going to take the GMAT soon and I hope they get a good score. Why? Well, for one thing, I believe they are extremely intelligent, one more than the other. For another thing, I performed way below my capacity (which is a good defense but may not be accepted as the truth ;)); and lastly, it's only when one gets a good score that one has a chance at changing, adapting or renewing oneself. There are exams, promotions, competitions, awards and to top it all... Money. People keep competing and I sometimes don't like it that way. I like competitors who vanish, and competitors who accept defeat for selfish reasons. I like competitors who don't lose sight of those around them and smile once in a while. I like competitors who, at the least, have a want to do something interesting, meaningful or daunting. I am afraid that I may drop out of this competition one day and I am afraid that the competition is going to be too difficult to tolerate. However, there is always a way. Somehow, we always find that way.

Glen Hansard

Just in case I forget how awesome this performer is; Glen Hansard - Once.
Screams with so much emotion at the end of every song; almost feels as though he cries each time :D

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave...

Take No Logi(c)

I wish, at times, technology had not driven humans to being slaves. No surprises, no astonishment. We live with it each day and nobody is too far away. But still, people are far away. And people are growing less fond of each other. I chat through the web at times, and wonder whether I am chatting with my real friend or is it some artificial intelligence at the other end. Technology, if you think about it, has made everything fake. Emotions are perceived more than they would have been some time ago. Dependence on the internet, the news, the people, the friends, the irrelevant, the curiosity. Nothing is real and yet everything is closer than it ever was. But we all know how this argument pans out. Too many things are possible now, that would not have been possible earlier. This is a useless post, but serves as a reminder of where we are right now. I believe that slowly, there will be a tendency for humans to start escaping civilization, if only for a bit. I know I want to. Looking forward to my 24-28 hour ordeal of getting from Champaign to Mumbai.

I Deserve This!!

People are divided and I see that some will end up being wealthy. Wealth is an interesting measure of distinction. One reason is because wealth is not necessarily earned, and the people of tomorrow, who will be wealthy, may in fact be some of the most undeserving people. You get to see people around you who work harder or work smarter but are not as wealthy.
The reason I focus on wealth is because wealth, above a certain extent makes life easier. Beyond a certain extent, makes life harder.
And that is the funny thing about life. How easy or hard it is always depends on the time period.
Earlier, I made a reference to 'deserve'. I shall always wonder what it means. The idea of 'deserve', I believe, has been created by humans. It has been created to make us feel better, make us have faith and allow us to blame or look up to or look down upon people.
This person deserves to be happy; this person deserves to go to jail; this person deserves a second chance at life...

Humans love creating meaning and reason. We love finding a path to all. Now, when I think about all the times that I have used the word 'deserve', I think about how naive I was (and, may be, still am). People work hard, people work smart and people end up along different points on the spectrum of standing.
The stance may be based on happiness, family, work life, monetary pleasures...
There is no reason why I deserve something.


However, and this is the crucial part, we have to believe that doing what ought to get us to a better place, should be done. It's always a pursuit. I want to work close to the capital markets because I believe it is going to get me nearer to my hope. What if I don't make it far? Just because I believe I am intelligent, doesn't mean that I deserve a throne.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players...

Fear

What do you do if someday someone comes up to you in says, "unless you do this, I will come and do something."?
What can you do? Especially if you're from a country such as India.

An 'accident': Police come to the crime scene and find the culprit; "O, Mr. Mayor... Ok, Ok..."

A burglary: Rich man says to police, "Make sure you beat this guy up! I am sure he must have done it!!"

I wonder how many things can be sorted if legal systems are sorted...

Another take on happiness

Saw a professor from Harvard talking about happiness. He highlighted something important through an example. It was the difference between a guy who had won $314 Mn and one who had become handicapped. (Yes, yes,... 'handicapped' may not be the correct term - but I prefer to say it as it is.)

Going on; people prefer the former scenario to the latter. However, studies have shown that on average, after a certain time period both people are equally happy. To which we would say, 'Yeah right!'

Now, may be this was an extreme scenario - but it made me wonder about happiness. And yes, I believe that in the longer run, we tend to find our way and make peace with happiness. As he called it - Synthetic happiness. This kind is perceived to be bad, but I believe that there is a fine line between the natural and the make believe, and that either one is acceptable. However, looking from afar, the natural happiness is what one craves for.

May be what I am trying to say is this: There are a few things I want right now that I believe will make me happy ('happy' is a crude term and we should agree to that); as of now, this is what I am aiming and hoping for. But I also know (partially due to a wise person) that I will adapt. I am trying to do the best I can and I am weak. People adapt and find happiness and find a way to get through life. Well, most people at least.

Another thing I believe is that, acknowledgement and regret cloud happiness momentarily. Our pursuit of happiness, I believe, stems, to a large extent, from trying to avoid regret. Also, our concept of happiness is the easiest path to attaining happiness, which makes us want to stick to created paths.

Cheers to a lifetime of happiness... Although, I hope I don't become a depressed, pill popping psycho.

Strength

It was a Tuesday night - 3 days before the case competition - and we were working on the case. 2 of my friends were working on the financials and 1 was loafing. I think I was re-reading the legal write-ups and the case itself. Soon, 2 of them left and the 3rd dude finally finished. I asked him to wait for a bit while I quickly reviewed some of the entries. We discussed some matters and made some changes.
The case was such that we had to choose one of two suitors based on certain criteria. Preliminarily, it seemed that Suitor A was clearly the winner.

I remember, the 3rd dude leaving at about 145, 2 am. I thought I'd stay back and work on it for a bit and try to figure out who the real winner was. It turned out that Suitor B was the real winner. The pass-through calculations I made were simple and smart and I was really satisfied when I looked up at 330 am. That was when I laughed.

I laughed because I would have to wake up in 3 hours to get ready for a lecture. But I laughed more because I remembered then what it was like to be really engrossed in what one was doing and how satisfying work is when you really like it. I remember thinking to myself that finance is not particularly difficult and that most people can learn enough to succeed. What is difficult is the gut and the intuition. Something, I believe, I have. What I had done was not particularly ingenious, but it was logical.
Proof: 12 teams competed; only 3 came up with the winning scenario.We were one of those 3.

Kids

Saw snowfall for the first time some days back. It is not snowing that well yet, but its like drizzling snow.
Also, I saw small puddles of ice because the water puddles had frozen over.
Also, ice glazed over car hoods.
I keep going back to being a kid. Even last night, I was acting nutty and flapping my arms. A friend of mine recently said that I like to show people that I am weird. I said that while that was true, what was truer was that I think of kids and how stupid they are and how carefree they are. Somewhere, people become old and start acting in a sane way, as they ought to if they want to belong in society.
What I like doing is challenging the norm; this is what it is. I like to be a kid even now. And this reminded me of a time when I was driving and the kid in the car in front of mine was making faces, so I did what was uncharacteristic of normal behaviour. I challenged him and a battle ensued :D
Look inwards today and ask yourself why you have changed and why you behave the way you do when you are surrounded by different types of humans.

Quotes

“Society is a masked ball,
where every one hides his real character,
and reveals it by hiding” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." - Octavio Paz

"Derivatives are like Sex. It doesn't matter who you sleep with; what matters is who they are sleeping with..." - Warren Buffett

"Thumb-Sucking" - Charlie Munger

"Anything that can't go on forever will end." - Herb Stein

"People ask me where they should go to work, and I always tell them to go to work for whom they admire the most. It's crazy to take little in-between jobs just because they look good on your resume. That's like saving sex for your old age. Do what you love and work for whom you admire the most, and you've given yourself the best chance in life you can." - Warren Buffett

"Cash combined with courage in a crisis is priceless." - WB

"The plumbing thing - I hate it. Basically that's what goes wrong as you get older." - WB