Risk

Whatever happened to taking chances? People are just too scared of failing in relationships, life, work... which is valid, but the sense of adventure or of trying the unknown is lost. We care so much about the comfort that we have, that we have stopped risking things. We ache to get to work on time and we ache to come back home as soon as possible, just to sit and watch TV. Again, very valid.
And may be, as I have mentioned before, a lot depends upon one's wealth and present (and expected) standard of living.
There is a joy to relinquishing things and there is massive amount of pain at the thought of doing so. But once, just once... remember the un-ordinary and remember how you smiled.

Conversation

Me: Do you think that Univ. of Illinois was better 10 years or so ago ?

Bus Driver: I tell you what; according to me, all universities were better 10 years ago, and they were even better 20 years ago.

Me: O, why do you say so?

Bus Driver: There is a great reduction in the line of independent thought; the only thing we have left are all the research guys and PhD guys coming out; society is far less liberal

Me: (Horrified) I tell you this from the perspective of an outsider; even though you may say that America is far less independent and liberal, for many of us, America does signify freedom of thought and liberty which is not seen so easily outside America.

Bus Driver: May be. The one thing is that I keep worrying about are my kids and my children's children, because as I see it, society is going down the drain and the people of America in the future will be forced to pay this price. I really don't take any political sides, I just want to live my life as long as people don't interfere. But when something wrong is happening, I would love to stand up.

Me: There is a very thin line between apathy and indifference.

Bus Driver: (Laughter) I am sorry to say this, but most of the people in this country belong to the former.

Me: It was very nice talking to you, have a good day!

Bus Driver: Likewise, have a good day.

Challenges

3-3.5 months from today, the MSF program will come to an end for me and I will leave for wherever I am going to. The odd bit is that I still remember the first few days of Champaign and it doesn't seem that long ago.
I am sincerely going to miss this place and my friends here, knowing very well that I will most probably not see them again for a long long time (if indeed I do see them again).
This makes me think of Singapore - if I do get to go there. High possibilities that I will be friendless over there, and that should be a very rich and painful experience. May be I will grow tired of myself and may be I will learn to be at peace with myself.
One of the biggest reasons I do want to get into Singapore is that I do not want to be in a secure place such as Mumbai; of course, I believe that the quality of work experience would be much better in Singapore, but I could very well take the easy and boring path of going back to India. Undoubtedly, even if I do go to India, I believe that I could do very well for myself; but that is not the point.

The beauty of life is to draw on opportunities and muster up the courage to do something that may never be done again. If I had something to hold on to back in Mumbai, may be I would go back for sure. But currently, I just want to be adventurous and, somewhere, torture myself and experience the variety that this world can offer.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder..."

But let's face it, I have been served a very generous hand in this life... I want to say that I have won this ovarian lottery and I am truly lucky to be leading the quality of life that I am living.

Down with the Senas I say

There are a few things that really make me really angry, one of which is outspoken prejudice. It is alright to be biased because somewhere, all of us are biased; however, discriminating and generating disharmony is unacceptable.
This could be one of the reasons I hate religions. Religions were created so that morals and ideals could be instilled in a group of people where law and order could not have been created. It brought a group of people together and gave them an identity without a real force to keep them in check. What is happening now, is that religions are being used to generate specific advantages in order to fulfill one's motives.
Vishwa Hindu Parishad, Shiv Sena, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena are just a few of them. The subtle ones are BJP and Congress in India.

Humans have this incomprehensible thirst for power, and religious factionalism allows them just that. I detest India, largely for this one reason; the legal enforcement is so weak such that any religious group can riot and destroy the 'peace' (or rather, destroy the 'chaos' ) to suit their own agendas. I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party comes to one's house and destroys things.
I have no idea what one can do if a group of people from a political party enters a discotheque and starts molesting women.

India has been and will be a dysfunctional society, therefore chaotic. We have enough issues to contend with already; it would be better if these idiotic morons would keep away.

The Circus

There is a difference between humility/ pride enjoyed within oneself and humility/ pride showcased.
Sometimes, one should just sit back and watch the show that is society, instead of bellow.
I love proving a point and I am unhesitant in backing down if I am wrong.
But I hate listening to people who go nowhere and believe they are going somewhere.
Therefore, I too need to relax and enjoy this crazy show.
People are humourous :D
The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can start laughing at ourselves.

Gobbledigook

Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook, from the album "með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust" which means - "with a buzz in our ears, we play endlessly"

The first time I heard this song, it had me hooked. It is in Icelandish and makes no sense to me; in addition, it is not supposed to make sense. But the english translation of the song does seem to make some sense... Getting to the point. I loved the song from the get go and before long, I was 'lalalalalaLALALALALAL"ing... I searched for the video of this song on youtube but could not find it. Finally, one dude mentioned that the video would be on Sigurros.com.
And soon, I realised why the video was not available.

It had a bunch of people (male and female) dancing, having sex, jumping around and enjoying themselves in the nude, but they wore shoes. I believe it could be termed as 'naturism'. Humans, may be, used to be this way and let's face it - humans were meant to be animals. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with being animals, just that we tend to be too sheltered, scared and comfortable in the society that we have grown up in - including me. The most that one can do (apart from forsaking society) is to go away from people, if only for a bit. But I have written about this earlier so I will not touch upon that subject.

The other thought that came to my head yesterday was, why humans get bored, why we do the things we do. As analogies, I can well say that we wear good clothes to look better and potentially more attractive - same as animals do; we care about families and society, the same way that animals do about communities; we care about money and comforts in marginally different ways though - animals eat enough for sustenance (may be they don't have the luxury of overindulgence) but animals do crave for more than they can consume, and this is what we do too.

This leads me to : Boredom, thoughts, morals, beliefs.
One can never peer into another's mind, and similarly, a being can never peer into another being's thoughts. We will never know what creatures, who are not humans, think of. Therefore, we may never know if they also get bored living their same lives day in and day out.
There is no measure of consciousness, which is why there is no certainty as to whether each day has not already been lived earlier,
Or whether each day is our consciousness as a new being and not as we suppose, which is that we live our lives each day, and our identity does not change till death. I had written about consciousness earlier.

Gobbledigook - means something akin to gibberish. May be what Sigur Ros is addressing is a realization - which is, in fact, a belief - that nothing is supposed to make sense, but we do try our best to make sense of things. Man belongs near nature and man should do odd things once in a while because that is as close to nature as one can be. I do not have the courage yet, but I greatly respect controlled insanity.

Talk

Why do we opine? It could very well be a source of identity in a world where identity is so difficult to find. I find it absurd when people have opinions about largely irrelevant matters... then again, how else is one supposed to pass time? I have often seen it in me - my desire to opine and I have fulfilled that desire; and often, I have regretted that. People who speak less, interest me; people who speak humbly or softly, impress me; people who speak incessantly, humour me. Wording one's beliefs is welcome, but more often than not - words are insignificant and therefore, it is a gift to keep shut. Aggression has amused me for a while now; sometimes it is required, but most of the times... it is just a man's ego. It's one thing to stand up for yourself, one thing to stand up for others, and one thing to stand up because you want your words heard. Solitude is precious, and we often forget that... we have forgotten that to the point that we no longer consider it. There is just so much to do and so much to achieve. There are people to answer to and there is society to be a part of. I crave to go away without telling anybody about it, without being in touch. Stay away for some time, speak little, think less, walk more, see more and withdraw.

Struggle

T : Why do we struggle?

Sura: asking such questions bothers me, makes me feel like i might be missing something. but i ask them regardless. i think its about being able to achieve our potential, but i also think its a never-ending quest. is there a point to it all? i ask. and this takes me back to devdutts gymnosophist.
one more question that pops up is: what would happen if we decide to be, just be, you know? screw potential, screw what we 'could be'. and put some effort in being happy, content, and satisfied.
i think the questions that we are asking ourselves right now, and are trying to answer, wont bother us once we have something to do. like when we get jobs. its an almost empty mind, despite the stupid courses we are pursuing, that is to be blamed. and i'm also sure we will ask these again when we miss a promotion while on the job. thats how it is. we need to come to terms, and decide when we want to stop pushing.

T: When I think of an Icelandic rock band that used to perform but has been on a hiatus for some years now... I think of, well... they did something, n now they feel like chilling...
One big factor, I believe, is the standard (or ease) of life in the country where we reside. If the small things in life were simpler, people would live more and struggle less.. Then again, there is an ego to live up to, no (Ah! The Indian English!!) ?
Something that needs to be continually assessed is the end goal... what is it that we want to achieve? Is it the money, is it a cozy house & a family, is it a small vacation once in a while... is it peace and solitude... is it the arts and the books and the music and the movies? There is no point to most things... we tend to create a point to most things, which, in effect, is equivalent. One thing that we Indians are going through now is the freedom and the choice that this partially vibrant economy and culture is giving us... Our parents never had that opportunity... Freedom gives rise to sadness, because the small wants increase. May be that is why I just like quitting things once in a while... Just to go away and take a look from without. We struggle because we choose to... reminds me of the Oracle.
"You didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand *why* you made it. I thought you'd have figured that out by now."
And this has been tied in with destiny and fate and all that jazz... Fk that shit... thing happen, things will happen, we control and we believe we control...
And this reminds me of Pippin
"All shall fade..."
And this reminds me of this impressive mind that I meet often, he looked into my eyes and said... " Dekha jaayega, phaaada jaayega"

Lessons from business folk

Venture Capitalist: "Finding a company is like dating; you need to get along at first go otherwise you can't even think of marriage."

Well, it was a guest speaker session where 2 VCs had been invited. They were the 2 partners in a $15 Mn fund only operating on seed investing. Towards the end, I asked a question; originally, I wanted to ask the question with my opinion embedded inside, but then I kept it open-ended. I asked, "Why have you guys decided against expanding your fund or going into latter stages' financing?"

The guy answered, "It has to do with lifestyle choice... The 2 of us had had some experience in the corporate world, the 2 of us are committed to this company and we knew our capabilities. We figured that we could oversee 7-9 companies and we preferred being with our families in our free time. We did not think that we would like to work 80-hour weeks and our limited partners understand this level of commitment."

In effect, he had said that one needs to draw a line and say that this is how much I want to grow, not beyond this... I prefer this to that, and thus I will base my career. Now, this works especially if you are an owner or part owner of a business. May be even WB took the longest time to realize something similar.

Paris

Reading my friend's blog; reminded me of this time in Paris. I was walking around alone - this was in September, the day after exhibitions were over. I kept walking, trying to find the Cathedral of Notre Dame, not realising that it was far far away.
I remember going inside and staring at things.
Cameras were not allowed, however, many people still clicked away :)
Was about to go away when I realised that I should spend money and go up to the top of the Cathedral.
Remember having a nutella crepe and dropping a bit of it over the food counter, to the disgust of the girl who served me that.
2 french ladies asked me something in French, and I said 'Desole, Je ne comprend pas...' - to which they laughed.
I remember the gargoyles,
I remember the artists / students who sat at the top, trying to draw the view
I remember seeing La Defense from that view - that's when I decided that I would definitely go there
I remember that people were in a hurry to see everything,
I remember myself sitting near a person who was trying to draw a gargoyle.

I walked down,
I was hungry,
I went across to a cafe,
I sat outside on the street,
I ordered a beer,
A girl (my age I believe) was sitting indoors (there was no partition),
I asked her for help,
I wanted to order duck, but did not know how to say 'boneless',
So she turned to the waiter and said, 'boneless!',
She said it in English :D
She was Australian :)
And OMG she was pretty :)
I ordered duck pasta,
Ate and drank,
To the amusement of passersby,
May be they found it odd to see a young brown guy eating and drinking beer in the afternoon on the street - alone.

Find your Peace

Quite a few of my friends are unhappy right now; so am I. It could very well be a phase where some of us have spent a sufficient amount of time after graduation, at work. However, when we look back at what college life used to be like, we see that it used to be a content life - could be because we felt secure in college.
At work, we face pressure from abnormal sources such as family, colleagues, personal passions and ambitions and a constant quest for something secure.
When I came here about 8 months ago, I remember that I used to be an extremist at achieving what I wanted to. That has since toned down quite a bit. Most plausibly because I now value the culture around me more or my friends more, may be I have changed because I do appreciate the finer things in life. May be.
One influence was the case competition; the incident where I came back to an empty hotel room and nobody to celebrate the victory with. Another influence could have been my trip to Mumbai, where the first night itself, it dawned on me that I needed to be near where I belonged. Of course, I could struggle and make my way through another country and therefore another culture, but there is no need to struggle as long as I get an intelligent job in India.

I should call myself lucky for having found my calling in finance, and so I hope for a lot of my friends, that they too find their true calling and are furnished with the guts, the intent and the opportunity to pursue that path.

People believe that working at a place that one loves is a key to success; however, I have a slightly different take.
It is not so much about success as it is about being content with waking up each day and looking forward to going for work. Success will follow. Peace of mind is often overlooked.

Vulnerable

I got drunk last night, or as one of my friends put it - hammered.
This was the first time I have ever been drunk, and potentially, the last.
2 large bourbons, 1 pint blue moon, 3/4 shots tequila (cannot remember), 2/3 (horrible) vodkas; all of this on, pretty much, an empty stomach.
Coup de grâce - puked in public and have hazy images of people moving away from me as I puked. I also remember shrieks of 'ewwww'.
Life is beautiful.
It's a good thing that I decided to be irresponsible in a situation where I had friends around me. Shall not forget the fact that they got me home; although, I can't remember who it was that got rid of my pants :P
Well, I believe I did.
The other good thing about getting drunk in cold weather - you don't feel that cold.
Puking helps - rids one of the stupor or the potential headache.

I do hope that I did not say anything last night that could be regretted.

Now for the important point; why did I get drunk 1 night before my birthday?
I don't think that there is a clear reason... my friend did get a bottle of bourbon from Kentucky for me, and that made the task simple. I should add that daym that bourbon is crazy shit :D
There was a food and non-alcoholic drink event sponsored by MSF and that made it easier to be around alcohol, afterwards.

I do not think I would want to get drunk ever again. Buzzed - yes.

Addendum: So, I also had an Irish car bomb after the vodkas, but I don't remember having that. However, I do remember asking the bartender chick to describe what it was...
And this goes out to my friends who took care of me :D
Quite awesome that a platoon walked me home to make sure I was OK :D

Hope for perceived peace

There is a difference between 'hope' and 'expect(ations)', and people tend to use these words interchangeably. One can very well hope for something knowing very well that that particular thing will, most probably, not come to one. This implies that one does not have expectations, but hopes...

The mind is yours to create
Keep what you want in it
For nobody shall reach it
Your deepest and brightest thoughts are yours to relish
Your reality will always stand in your way
So close your eyes
And think loud
You control the images you want to see

Two of my friends just finished a leg of their respective competitive journeys. One is smarter than the other and the competition did not change that fact.
I doubt that they expect things, but am sure that they hope for things.
Independence is a relatively new concept to a few of us.
It is important to keep a stable head at all times.
It is more important to be near people who you care to have care for you.

My friends think that an important step had been completed.
Sure.
Sadly, there will be times which will be more difficult and there will be choices that will have to be made.
Sadder still, they might read this post and kill me.
I hope I do not die.
I hope that they manage to break free and find, what they believe are, their respective paths.

Ruin and Prosperity

People change, and by this I refer to how people, in general, change with time. Sense & Sensibility (the movie) made me think of how humans used to be. Women took to the arts and took care of the house. Manual labour demanded men to be the workers. Economics has changed; this has allowed women to equal men. People are more prosperous, but the sheer number of people has ensured that a large portion of human population lives meagerly.

Changes in lifestyle, consumption, inhabitance and capabilities has changed how people behave. I am sure that there were times when people thought not of what they aspired to do or be but thought of taking care of themselves and their dears.
Prosperity has influenced minds. Enjoying life (even though one had different forms of enjoyment in the past) is more within reach. People care a lot more about love, relationships, happiness, contentment and rest - may be more than ever before. It ought to be a good thing.

Somehow, we tend to ruin ourselves. There is too much information to analyze; the content has grown - especially over the last decade. Movies, songs and other media throw at you aspirations, ideals, concepts of love and relations and the ignition for individual thoughts.
The internet has destroyed centuries of basic human communication; communication with people who we like, people who we want to know, people who we don't care about and people who we would never have known.
People know more about the world than ever before.
And somehow, people think they know more about themselves than ever before.

I go back to thinking that we the world is just too competitive, and sometimes it should do us good to step back and understand just what we are battling and why we do the things we do. Stepping back broadens one's horizons and allows one to possibly see what one really wants.

Appeal:
Get rid of the noise.
Blow away the dust.
You can see then that society has converted life into a battleground.
Dream of a vacation.
A vacation without a camera and without a phone.
Go to a place where you know nobody.
Be alone.
As once humans used to be.
It is not a life choice.
It is a vacation choice.
Now if you don't mind, leave.

Indian English

This is for a friend who I find to be creatively intelligent - hope he finds his path in pursuit of intellectual, and therefore, emotional satisfaction.
We were talking about Indian English.
I started the topic by citing the fact that most of the traditional English speakers, let's say - Americans, British, Australians and New Zealanders predominantly speak one language on a daily basis. Therefore, their 'language' is English and the way it is uttered is very similar across these 4 countries.

Indians are a mess. This is because most Indians speak more than 2 languages on a daily basis, and for all practical purposes we consider English as our language as we use it daily and fluently, albeit mixed with other languages.
Indians use the word 'prepone' which is a word that makes complete logical sense, and is much easier to say than to say 'let's reschedule this meeting to an earlier time'.

But what we touched upon during that discussion is how Indians speak in English. At times, we make statements which has an opinion embedded in it, but the statement is uttered as a question.
As my friend described it - "We do not ask questions; we make statements and wait for a verification"

Situation: A person is going to class, and I know this with significant confidence.
A person from any of the above mentioned countries would usually say: 'Are you going to class?'
An Indian would say: 'You're going to class, right?'

We make statements, and at times end it with question marks. Somewhere, this stems from how some urban Indian languages are spoken. Statements are converted to questions, not be rearranging the entire word chain, but by adding a word or two at the end to mark a question.
Somewhere, this stems from what Indian culture is all about.
We do not like open ended questions.
If we partially know somethings, we prefer asking questions with a supposition or a certain emphasis or pressure. We tend to enforce our opinion in the question.


This made me think of whether Indians do, in fact, speak English. The answer is that we speak our own brand of English. Let's call it Indian English. Let's call it a different dialect. I see no reason why a word such as prepone should not be a part of the English dictionary. In fact, I see a reason why it should be a part of the dictionary. It makes complete logical sense.

People like set patterns; but let's understand that a language is a means of communication and therefore should be open to change and evolution. I hate it when people who have not heard of British English strike down words such as learnt (as opposed to learned). I hate it when people believe that the American usage of the letter 'r' is the correct way and the British or Indian usage is not.

Open your minds.
For nothing is set in stone.
Even if things are set in stone,
Know that soft water can tear it down.
Open your minds,
For evolution is key.

Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai - has been described as the most succinct word. It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start." (Courtesy: Wikipedia)

A friend of mine introduced me to this word, and this initiated a chat about how people with a vernacular background are the best innovators or thinkers. Vernacular could well be described as a thorough dependence on only one language. The brain 'thinks' using a certain mechanism. Somewhere, a language is used to generate thoughts and refute or support arguments inside one's head.
My friend's contention was that people with a 'vernacular' background are more able at generating ideas and branches thereof, simply because dependence on one language only allows a smoother, efficient and more effective functioning of one's brain.

I refuted this by saying that people such as the newer generation of Indians may be lousy at presenting thoughts simply because we tend to communicate using more than 2 languages on a daily basis. Therefore, most of us do not have a tight control over one particular 'language'. However, inside one's head, I believe, we would communicate and generate thoughts using a mix of the 2,3 or 4 languages.
In essence, inside our heads, we would do a jugaad and generate ideas.
For example, even now, when I think of the thoughts in my head - they tend to be in English. But I believe that somewhere, unconsciously, I would be using certain Hindi or Gujarati words to get my thoughts to function inquisitively.

Therefore, I believe that as long as one has a good set of words or ideas, no matter what language that may be in, one can be an ideator.

Infidelity

Infidelity
What does it mean? In the context of marriage, the usual definition is simple - Physical relationship with someone other than your spouse.
However - and I believe I have thought about this a long time ago - infidelity is something that ought to be very natural to human beings. Only the institution of marriage has created this 'cage'.

When I talk about infidelity, I talk (and worry) about emotional infidelity. It is this branch that I am referring to. Emotional infidelity comes very naturally to humans; however, what a commitment does, is that it locks a person with another. In a way.
Again, I believe that this should differ from culture to culture.

Emotional infidelity implies that one is opening oneself to another person and not to one's spouse. Is that right or wrong? I believe it is right; simply because, once a couple enters a 'bondage' (don't be kinky now!) there is no knowing how those two will evolve. Somewhere along the way, there develops a need to go away. Not with the intention of 'cheating', but with the intention of getting a different mind or a different body. There is only so much that one can share with another, beyond which one knows the opinions of the other - therefore (partially) mundane.

I said that emotional infidelity is a valid choice that people make. But as we know, humans tend to be illogical and impulsive; therefore, sometimes this choice could be averted. I say that it is a valid choice. But I hate it.
I hate it, not because I believe in some holy institutional crap or commitment, but because of sincerity. Humans need to learn how to be by themselves or be with people and not talk. Somewhere, it influences a person's chain of thoughts and makes one content with oneself.
May be, what I am saying is utter bullshit.

I hate it because sometimes, people stay together out of compulsion - for example, because of their child(ren). Legitimate? I also believe that even after knowledge of a spouse's infidelity, the couple chooses to stay together. Why spoil a decent thing? Let's just accept things and numb ourselves to overlook the infidelity.
Addendum (Courtesy: Wise albeit idiotic person) : What ought to be done, when emotions drift or attraction wanes, is that a relationship should be drawn to an end. The correct path - I believe - would be to disclose and start afresh.

The human mind is a curse because it continually or rather, continuously functions. Therefore, boredom; therefore, need for excitement and change.

Is infidelity an escape?
Is infidelity a different high?
May be it's a rush.
I hate infidelity because of something that this woman implied.
I hate infidelity because I love the concept of peace. Peace that is more than peace, as implied by the Hindi word -'Shanti'.
I dislike infidelity because of a certain notion of comfort, security and joy.
Utopian all, but attainable methinks.

Quit Talking

Once in a while, we say or do things that shouldn't have been said or done...
Sometimes, it is because we never meant to;
At times, it is because the target, which may be a person or a situation, is not within our control and therefore, may not behave as we would have liked them to.
Sometimes, it is just something that is not socially acceptable.
Sometimes, we ride on emotions and impulse.

Words may be the most dangerous weapon around. It makes me smile when I just think of how easy it is to spoil relationships and situations.

May be this is why I hold my want to quit known society, - only for a bit - so dear.

Don't be Afraid

There is only so much that we can (allow ourselves to) do,
Obstacles abound and muscles grow weak from all the strain.
We want to give up at times and just succumb...
We tend to go on because of numbness
Or we tend to go through reason and fear
We are all trying to do the best that we can with what we have.

I will lose it one day
And so will you
Because there is nothing that we truly control.
And may be it is in those dark moments that we wish we could hang on to something
If only temporarily
Sorrow, fear and anger bring out our rawest selves.
It is then that we are closest to being children.

Networking

Vijay from Zanjeer
Girl: 'Let's talk'
Vijay: 'I don't know how to make conversations... I'm afraid you are going to get bored with me.'

A position that I would avoid being in; but have been in. Reminds me of this one time that I managed to do something outrageous. Case Competition evening, after the final results.

I'm talking to this guy; I am tired and quite foolish. He was trying to make small talk, so was I...
I say something to the effect of :
" You know, after this evening, you are not going to remember me and I am not going to remember you. All that all of us are trying to do is network so that we are in touch with each other such that whenever need be, we can reach out and hope that someone might be able to help us out.
Let's face it, you are doing the same and I am doing the same. "

He laughs at me and agrees - although, I still found him quite idiotic - and we continue our stupid conversation.
In the end, I am about to leave; I see some hesitation in him and I say to him.

" You know what? I believe it is best that we exchange details and stay in touch. Who knows how we might manage to be of help to the other... "

We exchanged numbers and that was the last I saw or heard of him.