Where are we going?

Firstly, thank you to my friend who provides me with outrageous movies.
Going on, Chaos.
Saw this movie today, Pi. Outrageous, simply because it stimulates one's mind.
I said, if nature is natural, and if a bee is natural, and what it does is natural then why is what a human does, "man-made" and not natural. There could possibly be an order to the chaos or the apparent individualism.
I believe this is where Ayn Rand also steps in, with her belief of individualism.
Humans, love being in control - thereby, love being individuals.
A person may be part of a group and may be following a herd. But if I tell that person, 'O, so you are just following the herd?' - we know how offended that person would be.
There are people who love being safe.
There are people who love believing they are safe.
There are people who love believing they control certain aspects of their lives.
Why is there a concept of 'fate' or 'destiny'?
Was it a control that was imposed ti provide people with a belief of being safe?

Is it possible that there is an order to everything?
It is possible.
Do I want to believe it?
No.
Could I accept it?
Yes.
Do I believe in the outrageous being possible?
Yes.

I discovered a maths formula in school - and that formula still intrigues me.
I believe that not many people would know it - and if there be people who read this post and ask me for it, I do not want to share it without my will. Does it prove that I was/am brilliant?
Far from it.
Why is the Pythagoras theorem so absolute?
Why is the fibonacci sequence observed in nature?
Why is 2 such an important number?
Why is a circle so amazing, that in 3 dimensions, it influences astrophysics?

I know too little to ask more questions.

How has a floppy disc that held 1.44 Mb evolved to more than 4 Gb?
When will this system crumble under its own advances?

Sciences are around us, even though the skeptics love believing that science has made lesser advances in the recent past.
If the computer has evolved so drastically in 14 years, from windows 95, low ram, low hard disk, black and white curved screens, no internet to what it is now - where are we going with this?
And how far can we go with this?

I believe in cleaner technology, greater computing, increased efficiencies, nuclear war, biological wars, firesales and annihilation.
I believe that humans will not get past 2020 without a huge catastrophe.
Alas.

The Random, The Art and The Hair

A friend once told me - "You are an artist - why finance?"
I thought, "Well, insanity is one side, creativity is one side, questions are one side, ego is one side, purpose is one side, self portrayal is one side, facades are everywhere."
I constantly battle with these variables, simply because there are many things that I want. Or at least want to consider. There is only so much that I can cram into this stupid day.
Eye One Duh if I could be suffering from split personality disorder.
May be I am bottling all of this inside of me, and one fine day it is going to erupt.

I want to read the whole day.
I want to sit on the grass and do nothing.
Listen to music.
Sleep at a stretch.
Be ignorant.
Be aware.
Learn, discuss, romance, forge a relation, and control certain beliefs.

I suffer from bouts of insanity - which is sadly thrust upon onlookers.
Somewhere, I make a conscious effort to let the insanity out.
And I also think to myself - "Do I act insane so that people look at me and remember me or at the least, laugh at me?"
I know the answer to that question.
I actually, ask myself that question on numerous occasions.

Knowing thyself - greater than knowing thyself'

Note: Just tackled one of the greatest disturbances in my life.
Could possibly have been the greatest influence to me.
Some of my hair started greying (the term should be 'whitening' - don't know what is so grey about it) when I was in 5th of 6th grade. Trauma - this term can be applied here - disbelief, fear and low self esteem led me to colour my hair.
Up until 2009. After colouring, about a month thence, the hair starts changing colour due to discolouration and pollution.
So extra care to not stand with the back of my head facing a known person.
A lot of crap.
And just a month ago - owing to various circumstances - I said fuck it.
Well, because with all this perception of being unordinary, weird, and crazy - might as well stand out physically too. Who knows if I get cancer or some crap due to prolonged exposure to hair colour from such a young age at regular intervals.

So now, my hair is natural colour. May be people might remember me as the guy with salt and pepper hair. So be it - hahahahaha...
Just think that such a thing is not worth my mind.
A load dumped.
A mind free.
Other things to focus on.

Intrigue

Amusing, how people motivate themselves through pride.
Amusing, how they look at other people expecting them to be astonished at what they may have done.
Amusing, how they carry themselves.
Amusing, how people crave to achieve a certain few things in life.
How people like to believe that they have a meaning to their lives.
How people never understand that they are cockroaches.
People will evolve and some are more equal than others.
Did you know that?
I believe not.
Do you know why?
It is because you believe that you are more equal than others but you are not currently because there is a 'potential' in you.
Procrastination and perceptions also start with 'p'.

Why do people love to look nice?
Why do they believe that looks will get them somewhere?
Read: Self fulfilling prophecy.

I once met a person who was about to (knowingly) lose his job due to a certain function he wanted to perform. He believed that he had to perform that function because that is what a function implied. The risk to the firm was transitory. The risk to himself was transitory.
But on executing that function he would have done the extraordinary and that in itself would have been a reason to exist.

Hmm - what I saw here was a conscious mind.

So I think sometimes - that a person who does not look presentable - would he ever receive acknowledgment?

The world is flawed because society is flawed because we are flawed because society is flawed because perceptions differ and flaws are a constant.

Where I am right now - people are pretending to have found a meaning or purpose to their useless lives.
One of those people is currently crapping these thoughts.

Analysis

I was thinking about why I have blogged so less off late. And here is my hypothesis :P
Too lazy (read: tired) at home.
Too tired throughout the day.
Actually busy throughout the day - which I still find hard to comprehend - although I do wake up at 615 - 630 everyday and sleep by 11-1145 pm
I was trying to figure out what I really do.
And I realised that I just read, walk, cook, clean and attend lectures.
Am I 'chilling'? - No.

But why have I stopped blogging?
Well, in Mumbai - I used to be wasted everyday, in terms of utility. I used to reach home relatively early and chill. There was accumulated angst which would require an outlet. Lack of better things to do would justify thoughts.
It is surprising how drastically life has changed and how busy I really am here.
I feel fulfilled and sad at the same time.

I read what I wanted to - finance.
I think about what I wanted to - finance.
I have access to what I wanted - finance.
I have already checked out 2 books from the library which are way too advanced for the class - just because of my interest and the sheer option of having that choice.
I cannot find the time to read those books.

Another thing - I cook. And I mean, I cook. Cut onions, cook chicken, mess up my taste buds and grow tired of cleaning vessels.
I wonder if this is a curve that I am lucky to be passing through.

As my friend once mentioned
You have everything you need to get what you want. Take chances.

Exhibit A

There is a difference between return on money and return of money.

Anyone who is insane enough to think about their lives is bound to be numb.

Just because there is no proof, it does not mean there is no proof.

Somethings are just not visible. Ref. Details of a balance sheet. Ref. Ghosts.

Dreams dont cost a thing - Sleep does.

Bee - have - year

I have to comprehend people's behaviour. I know that it is unlikely that I will understand the general level of stupidity and / or rigidity. It is gruesome but it is how humans behave. Humans love to put other humans down and feel better about themselves - especially when there is an audience. I do not like the idea of being helpless especially in terms of being subject to absolute monotonic criticism - because then, it is not criticism, it is an absolute opinion.
I prefer a discussion, you know - prove me wrong, I am absolutely fine with it. If there is no conclusion - that too is alright. Let us say, " Chuck it man - - we are not going anywhere with this. You have your opinion and I have mine. "

Well - I would have to reiterate that I am a mitch - male bitch. It is not that necessary and may be I am a good guy. But let us just believe that people ought to dislike me. Sadly, they dont.

I know the grin that is associated with pride. The eyes and how they glare at people in a condescending way. I find it repulsive. But hey, I am supposed to be human right? So I shall continue to observe these filthy creatures and be a part of society

A new life

People here confuse me because I cannot seem to differentiate between the truth and the layers. Especially some of the Americans - they are just so loud that it is difficult to believe that they are really that chirpy.
Is politeness the norm? And is speaking with expressions the only way to communicate?
I see the infrastructutre here and it makes me believe that there is a system to the organisation. I can see the consumption that we only heard or read through media.
If a person cannot decide between 2 vacuum cleaners - he does not choose both.
People have to use cars it seems. People always need comforts - something to hold their latest cell phones in, a motorized lawn mower, a well paved maze of roads, concrete slabs surrounding their buildings, washers, dryers, cycles, food, drinks, vending machines, shoes, clothes, watches, clothes for different occasions, cutlery for different occasions, variety of restaurants, cup holder in a car because there is no long distance driving without a drink in your car, a fan, lights, air conditioning, unnecessary ornamentation.
There is a need to talk loudly regardless of who may be nearby. A need to buy whatever may be required even though it just may be easily discarded.
I see obesity, stupidity, followers of the rules, people walking in circles.

I see a new crop of different colour engaged in forming visions, creating some of those visions, making money, learning how to spend money, learning how to be machines.

I see people indulging in unnecessary conversations about when leukemia is most dangerous, about what schools have opened, about how unlawful some people are, about what is happening in another restaurant, about how the bus was 3 minutes late, about how boring the weekend was, about how they are planning to go away for the next weekend.

From the land of Alexander Supertramp - I see antonyms. Of course, this does prove the fact that I am a mitch.
May be I am,
the point is - it is important to look at things from high above.

How inconsequential most things in life are.
It is for me to find out.

The times they are a changing

Entertaining session that I an going through right now.
Meeting friends before leaving for the US.
Emotions tend to surface and realizations seem to creep up.
Should things be said ? - because certain people dont like things to be said.
Somethings are best left unsaid.
May be because there needs to be room to sway one's arms.
May be because somethings are not meant to be said.
May be because somethings tend to ruin simple matters.
May be because sometimes there is nothing to be said.
Sometimes - somethings are hoped to be understood.
I shall miss quite a few people.
I wont be boo hoo without them.
But will miss them nonetheless.
Then I thought of family - and how I will never tell my mom that I will miss her.
Because - saying something like that is in fact demeaning.
So anyhu - I say goodbye to my city
I say goodbye to the security.
I now stare at an enlarged world.
I hope I find support along the way.
And I hope that the current support does not leave me.

Who shall control the rulers?

Something I have pondered over for a while now; who shall rule the rulers and who shall regulate the regulators?
The UPA is on its way to forming the next government of India - with a clear majority of seats held by the Congress.
Backdrop - Financial C(rap)isis; Crazy Fiscal Deficit, Deficient Infra, Plausible uncontrollable inflation in the near future, wild movements in many financial assets.
I laugh at the possibilities that lay ahead and how most probably, nothing great may be done with India.

Do Indians believe in the UPA?
Methinks, UPA looks younger and more dynamic compared to NDA or the stupid Leftists (You know how much I like socialism).
So India chose the less worse of the 2 giants.

Personal opinion - Keep people like Rahul G, Manmohan, Montek Singh at the helm.
I am so happy that the foolish oldies and Hindutva promoting fools were kicked out.

Will I be secretly be assassinated for writing these things?

Eye 1 Duh . . .

Passersby

As kids we are quite ignorant - and this is in reference to friends.
But life kicks us hard as we grow older because we tend to get choosy. Some prefer fools, some prefer intelligentsia, some lookers, or just out of circumstance.
May be when we get older we realize that we dont really fancy the company of certain people but because there is a history - it is a given that they are your friends an will be for a long time.
Then there is an issue reg. gender.
Currently, I could go out alone with a female friend - no strings attached; but post marriage ( if I ever do get married ;) ) - would my wife not feel insecure about it. esp. if she is stuck at home, then my outing is out of bounds.
Currently, I can still make great new friends - but not far down the timeline, your emotional satisfaction and entertainment is taken care of by earlier friends - so the need or the room for a new friend is absent.
Even though that person may have great potential to be closer to you - neither do you have the time nor the inclination.

So what can all this mean? I believe this is very similar to what was a glimpse in Before Sunset. There will be people who you will have to pass unknowingly who could very well have molded your lives in different ways.

The consciousness of another person's entry into your life can allow you to value that person in different ways. Nothing may come of it - but it will be worth etching the entry in your mind.

This calls for reiteration - I write insane rubbish.

Influence is what

2 things - Adam almost out of American Idol and ovation that artists receive in this society.
There is something childlike and alien about Adam. The way he stands, the way he is chilled on stage, the way he goes mad when he performs.
I am sure there are others like him - but I use him as a model of the things that are missing with humanity. I hope he succeeds, simply because he loves his field and his face glows when he smiles with ambition.

The final 3 of AIdol went to their respective home states / towns, and people were nuts. I believe the same would be for an actor, a filmmaker, a sportsperson or a musician.
But if Narayan Murthy walks down a street, he might be flooded with eyes but hardly ever admiration or a fan following.
There is something wrong with how society greets capitalists.
Here are people who have set up vast businesses with their teams, generated great direct and indirect employment.

On the other hand you have a Shah Rukh who has acted in movies.

Tell me who is the greater. Rich, selfish guy who has created sustainable employment and a perpetual entity or an actor who has grown rich and famous and entertained society.
Rich people are ridiculed because they are rich. Remove a Larsen & Toubro and see where India slides down to. Remove a Dell and see how an entire world is affected.

All that I ask for is that capitalists be shown gratitude.

The wind blows strong, wild and naked

I have been meddling with this term today. Superiority demand.
I coined it; it arose from superiority complex.
I have to understand humans who behave as though they own entities around them.
Who walk with a swagger that would put a cowboy to shame.
Who talk loud enough for people more than his audience.
Notice how I said 'his'. Because methinks a lady would rarely indulge in such behavior.
Then again, I am going to the heartland of accomplishment and oversized egos.
I wait to see what I get there.

Superiority complex is behaviour due to a belief that one is superior with respect to a certain aspect.
Superiority demand is akin to ego in the Ayn Rand sense of the word.
Only for one to judge oneself and understand one's capabilities.
Plausibly a benchmark, a goal, an ambition, a motivator.

A blunt question : " What do you think you can achieve you loser!?? "

It is sad that money, prestige, fame, power, showmanship and materialism can be drivers for people to pursue their respective lives.

I wonder what happened to the thrill of the thrill?
I wonder where did vanish the ego of the heart?
The adrenaline and the ecstasy?
I believe it is next to impossible to find such creatures in the world today.

A Modigliani.
A Galt.
A Mr. X
A miserly unknown philantrophist.

An encounter with God

Now that I am writing this - I find it hilarious. But when I saw it, it was slightly chilling. Jai Shri Krishna - the TV Series.
" Why do you worry, Krishna is there no?? " - and that was that. So what does this signify? God was created to take care of us and the mere belief of the presence of a higher power is calming in nature.
The episode today was kind of emotional - because it got me gripped. Yashodha was crying that her husband has been imprisoned so she locks herself in her room. The sight of Krishna almost about to cry that her mother is so sad because of him, got me somewhere. Not about mother daughter - but about what a leader means to people who look up to him.
So Krishna is told, " Go and get your father from that evil kingdom " So Krishna says, " Theek Hai " - which is " Cool ". The simplicity of that statement was overwhelming. Here is a kid about 2 feet tall and chilled about going and teaching someone a lesson.

It just makes me imagine how similar man's greatest creations are to the concept of god. Superman, Batman, He Man, John Galt, A King, a spiritual leader, Fate, Destiny, prophets.

Also makes me question our abilities as individuals.

Also makes me wonder if we humans are primarily bad or good. Very naive thought, but intriguing.
If I need some help and you can help me and you have the time; but you do not know me, will you help me? I am not saying superficially, I am saying helping with adequate dedication.

Somewhere, all humans have evolved to be selfish to such an extent that smiling at an opposite human seems like a task.
Our preliminary belief is always suspicious.
If a person you do not know wants to help you - will you believe that person. I believe - no. That person must possess an ulterior motive.

If a decent looking person trips and falls down near you, you might want to help that person.
But if a dirty figure trips, your first instinct is that of ignorance.

If you are single, who would you be more keen on being friends with?
A decent looking opposite gender who is single?
Or a decent looking opposite gender who is with somebody?

I have to believe that no 2 humans will ever be the same.
I therefore have to leave room to a belief that life could very well be unreal.
I am prejudiced towards the dark possibilities of life.

Business Class

I kept my cool and told my uncle very simply that I did not want to travel by business class. It is not about the money - but about the distinction that one garners with the help of money. I am nobody right now - which he fails to understand (narrow closed ignorant mind that he has) - and therefore I am going abroad because of my Dad's hard work. Buffett introduced me to a potent term - Ovarian Lottery - which I often cite. His belief is, if you have money, irrespective of source, you should enjoy it.
I find it sad when people's minds are not open to other's beliefs. I understood his concept and I understood where he came from - but that is not me. It may be one of the virtues of self actualisation.

Action backed by a strong belief and understanding - howmuchever naive it may be - allows me confidence. I found it exhilirating to know how calm I was when I spoke of this because I knew exactly what I was saying.

Another thing that I have learnt is talking surely. Slowly, calculatively and with a belief that what you are saying has meaning behind it (at times).
May be why I cannot just talk about absolute BS and inconsequence. May be reg. matters which I do not understand or I may not be interested in.

This is a thoroughly useless post and my regards to any reader who may have had to bear through this assembly of words.

Monoprix

This is January end 2009 and I was in Paris. I made my way to Galleries Lafayette just to find it shut. It was crazy cold and I made my way round a corner to a relatively empty street. And there I saw a store that many people were walking in and out of. It was called Monoprix - only later did I realise that it is in fact a huge chain in France as a supermarket and sometimes selling clothes.

Even though we have our fair share of supermarkets and huge food stores in India, the multitude of products one gets abroad is amazing. So I am walking like my crazy self inside the store checking things out. And then I come across Guinness beer. So I thought I would pick it up. Problem was, it was a 6 pack. And I wanted only 2 cans. So I had to find a person to ask whether I could pluck only 2 cans out or not.

1st guy I mildly approach and he starts getting fussy and annoyed in French - may be saying " U mad o wat, Im not helping u.. dont u come near me.. no no no no " So I start laughing and he goes away.

Next, a girl / lady decides to help me and she is like "Sure pick 2 .. no problem. "

And then Im on my way roaming through the place again. I pick up a bottle of water and some peanuts. Now, the interesting part (at least for me).

I am about to approach the billing counters where I see huge queues and then I see a small patch of land with few people. This, I find out, is a self billing center through which you can go, if you have less than 7 items (or may be it was 10).

I find it intriguing, so I go in.

I look at the instructions in French, which I know so well so I bother a guy behind me.
He was the perfect character that you see in an American series, shirt tie pants, before going home - go to supermarket to buy stuff to return to an empty home. Luckily he speaks some English. So he tells me the process.

You register a new billing.
The scanner is on the shelf, face up, so you have to roll or scan your item on that so it bills you.
You keep scanning all your items and eventually press OK.
The screen reads out the exact billed amount and one can pay through either notes or coins. I put in my coins and out pops a bill.
The guy in the shirt tells me to take a plastic bag put before me - had to pull one out, because they were stuck to each other.
I thank him and he says..
O - even I am doing this for the 1st time - just that I know French.

And then I realize why there were such few people in my section.
People were scared of new technology / process.

Apparently, Monoprix had just introduced this new system to help customers.
What I found intriguing was that I was more willing to try this new thing that other folks. May be because I was younger. Who nose.

And the next interesting thing - I thanked the guy and before leaving, lightly patted him on his back, which is entirely common for me.
But I then realised that may be these French buggers dont do this.
Nothing was made of it, he smiled and said - Au revoir.

I made my way out and to the hotel room to stuff myself on the peanuts and guinness.

Angst-iety

Waiting for the alarm to wake you up.
Waiting for the water to heat up.
Waiting for the driver.
Waiting at the petrol pump.
Waiting for the food.
Waiting at the coffee machine.
Waiting at the ticket counter.
Waiting at the photocopy machine.
Waiting for the computer to start.
Waiting for the mails to download.
Waiting for the food to warm up.
Waiting for your spouse.
Waiting for your freinds.
Waiting for the movie to start.
Waiting for the movie to end.
Waiting for the trail room to be free.
Waiting for an erection.
Waiting for an orgasm.
Waiting to start a family.
Waiting for people to give you space.
Waiting to proclaim your territory.
Waiting for the exams to end.
Waiting to reach your bed.
Waiting to feel your spouse.
Waiting at the restaurant.
Waiting to take a leak.
Waiting for the computer to shut down.
Waiting for the signal to change.
Waiting for the traffic to move.
Waiting for the sun to set.
Waiting for the sun to rise.
Waiting for the rain.
Waiting for the snow.
Waiting for the holidays.
Waiting till death
Waiting to reach heaven
Waiting for this post to end.

Songs

A Bad Dream - Keane.
This song disturbs me and makes me want to cry because there is something disturbing about, "I wake up, it's a bad dream - noone on my side; I was fighting but I just feel TOO TIRED to be fighting"
Something desperate about, " Where will I meet my fate? Baby I'm a man I was born to hate; When will I meet my end; In a better time you could be my friend"

Funny how people think of love et romance with songs like this - braaah. Stupid Fux

The opening line captures me - " Why do I have to fly? "
For some reason I can imagine the singer crying, I can see myself howling while singing this song.





Call to apathy - the Shins
The name of this song should have attracted me to it. It took a while to get to me though.
"Untie me! I have said no vows."
"Get on with my lonely life"
"You love a sinking stone that will never elope - so get used to the lonesome girl you must atone some girl"
"You want to fight for this love but honey you cannot wrestle a dove"

Absolutely hilarious and aggressive song. I can see myself tearing up my room and breaking what I see and howling with laughter. Muahahhahaa

"But now I stand on honest ground"

Something about " Untie me !!!!! I have said no vows "
Ooooooo the singer would be screaming in pain and begging for mercy just to pick up a chair and smash it against the wall to vent his furor.

Am I a psychopath?

Detours

Judgments about people and their behaviour is - well - resourceful. It allows one's mind to function more clearly. Judging one's own behavior is also fruitful. A friend asked me 2 days ago - "How is it like on the other side?"
I said, "O, it is nice. . . the dark sky looks nice"
He said, " No, no, not that way - - how it like being, umm, antosocial. . . ?"
I smiled and said, "Well, it is uplifting, depressing and grounding. You can feel lonely after a while - but all in all, it is a highly interesting feeling."

It is just that when you look at people with a different set of eyes and think of them as puppets or machines or cartoon characters or aliens it is highly amusing.
I am not THAT antisocial; I just try to have a different view so I can pass judgments and for me it is a beautiful feeling. Human behaviour intrigues me to say the least and looking at people and their mad world gives me a smile.

Self Doubt - that is what a friend of mine wrote about and I cursed him because those 2 words capture what I have gone through especially in the past 2 months. The time that I have had to spend with Tirath and the movies I have seen and the lyrics I have heard and the music I have heard and the people I have seen and the new friends I have - I have digested all of this in a different manner.

Evolution is a loosely handled world and I believe I may be flaky to say that I have been evolving esp. in the past 3-6 months.

I never thought I would want to plan a getaway like the one that is in my head right now. Planning a trip to Goa or Kerala end May or beginning of June with Tirath, Tiru and Tir.

Something that is so disorienting about the days I go through nowadays that I need to look at these days from far away. I can do this because I have the luxury of doing this.
Ignorant people I envy because - "Dude, lets go to Goa dude! Babes and beach and music and freedom - dude its gonna be awesome dude!"
Aaaaaah - Alas. I am not to be.

I may be sounding all ' high and almighty ' as my friend likes to mock me. Braaaahh - -I am far from it. I am too crazy right now - that is it. I am trying to find meaning to this life and all that it may hold when I should realise that life is just meant to be lived and enjoyed; not to be assessed and mulled over.
Then again - the way I am living right now seems like the only acceptable option.

Evaporation

We believe water evaporates even though we do not see where the water goes.
Today I dedicated about 20 minutes of my life to staring at a big droplet of water on my arm evaporating.
My neck hurt after a while - but I tried my patience and succeeded.
The water eventually vanished.
Highly intriguing.

Adam Lambert

This guy makes me smile whenever I see him singing. Simply because he changes appearance as soon as he is performing. I smile because may be I see the Howard Roark in him. I am too simple about my perceptions but he just seems like the perfect example of a human life - when he is on stage.
Passion - may be I have missed out on this word when describing life. I find it absent from people. Before I talk about it wrt to people - I must say that it is missing in me. And may be that is exactly what I strive for and hope to attain one fine day.