Wine

I was scared that I would change. But of course, I did change. However, my fear stemmed more from my core beliefs about myself and let's say : my holistic aspirations. What that means is up to your imagination...
I don't completely understand why I care about a low standard of living or why I care if people use a fan when they have an air conditioner and it is really hot...
I also don't get why I care so much about continuous electricity or wider roads or more roads or cleaner water or a more sane public...
I don't understand why a part of me boils when I hear or read about ill-treatment of humans; women - usually related to them not being male, inequalities arising from money...
I also smile at myself when I get a chance to look from the outside at a party or an outing where well dressed people are laughing and enjoying themselves. Not that they ought to be concentrating on building wealth or sleeping or rot like that, but that the concept of happiness and contentment varies. I have thought too often about why people dance the way they do and drink the way they do or eat what they do...
I don't know why I smile when I hear of somebody who has just bought his first car, be it a second-hand. It wearies me when I sit in this land and people speak so plainly about vacations or holidays or buying a car or renting a car.
Cultures matter and somehow I believe that the developing world is somewhere in between. We have people who care about family ties and worry about the future and will reluctantly splurge on a particular night.
It amuses me that I have never heard of a second world country. Every country is termed as developed / developing or first / third world. May be, a country such as South Africa or Turkey could be a second world country.
I was scared that I would grow shallow; it has not happened yet.
I don't really see a drive in me to do something outrageous...

It's just that it pains me to think of the place where I have lived my entire life because that place is clearly unjust and below its potential. Not saying that ' Yes!! we can do this!!! '
I am just saying that the society that I belong in functions in a particular way due to 1 - Bureaucracy ; 2 - Literacy; 3 - Apathy; 4 - Legalities. Or lack of all these.

What every entrepreneur does is build a small collection of people individually - which is fantastic. And may be, that is the Indian model of development.
I believe that people have just accepted that infrastructure will always lag.
I don't understand why I have not officially complained against regional developers... I ought to; but there is this weird situation where we know that any 'office' that we will complain to, will be full of apathetic brownies. If we manage to get past that stage, we have also accepted that accountability has not been seen and enforcement has not been seen. We have accepted that there is no consequence to any of such potential actions. So have I.

I hope that one day I can find the courage or may be the conviction to do something. Most probably I won't do it alone and will need some backing from a friend or two dozen.

This is a very sad post because it serves no real purpose; then again, none of my other posts have any purpose either.

Aches

In the last 3 days, I have used my free time to rid myself of my neck ache, at least partially. I tried to figure out, as much as possible, why I was / am such a waste; there is no real answer but some blocks have fit well. Just aching to get back to work, and have come to realize that I am pretty open to working in Mumbai again. I also believe that money or the speed at which I make it is not as important to me (currently) as is the quality of work I do and how well I gain from it. My doomsday prediction has also messed up my chain of thoughts. I also realize that I worry needlessly, because, when I look around I see that I can offer something of greater value than what others around me can. In addition, I am trying to do the best I can and therefore, wherever I land, as long as it is a decently intelligent and well paying finance job, I should be alright. I portray myself as though I am whining, but I don't really whine, I only worry.

And now I got thinking of priorities. What are our respective priorities? Or lack thereof? Sit back for a while and think; it is a pretty amusing game. Think of all that you worried about today and all the worries that you will go to sleep with. It surprises me each time when I worry, and I usually end up saying that 'everything is temporary'.

Penance

Been so away for so long; I can't even remember at times when I used to belong to that land. There are faces that seem blurry and at times they are clear. There are scents that I still remember and there are moment that I choose not to forget. There are moments that I do not have the choice of forgetting either. Sometimes I am in pain, but a collection of all that I have heard and all that I have seen tell me that things shall even out. However, my experience tells me that things rarely even out. I miss the people and somehow, they do haunt me. I remember the feeling when I hugged her and all her friends stood watching in disbelief and joy. I also remember those lost eyes. There are so many times that I regret my anger and I regret society. Pressures build and pressures fade; hope remains. Somehow those slightly baggy jeans suited her. It was also nice when I sat on the beach with him and when I drove her home when she was drunk. Those days are gone and at times I wonder if there is any reality to the reality. The back of my neck hurts at times, it should be all the stress that I carry. I keep telling myself that life is not that complex, we only make it out to be that way. I remember him telling me to get out, he said it so plainly - I should have listened to him, but I did what I thought was right, partially because I was scared and partially because I was hopeful. I think it is possible for me to go back - to the where not to the when. I never want to go back there... That is one decision I do not regret. I believe I am about to take a step now and that should be great. It is time to quit this phase and move to certainty. There is something soothing about the variance and the randomness of everything around; rather, the perceived randomness. She spilled that drink and she apologised, I was laughing then. She said that she had a soft corner for me when she was in college. She said that she did not want to be friends with me anymore because she had 'feelings' for me. She just went away without a word because I decided to move away, she had things to do with her life, I forgot her birthday and may be that is when she realised that all that had been, had been. I had to put my foot down to do what I thought was right. I thought she looked great, but she had a horrible personality. In addition, I had no intention of liking her, nor was there anything to like about her. I believe she likes me, but knowing how phobic she is towards commitment, I dont think she will realise that she likes me, or going into the future - whether she will ever realise that she liked me once. I had forgotten how to play sports and she got me back, if only for that one day. She looked upto me and I am sure she started liking me. I have come to believe that I am perceived to be a nice guy, and a rather sensible one too. That could be the reason for her liking me so easily. And of course, she likes me and hopes that she finds someone like me, because she knows very well that I do not like her the same way. Fortunately, she is cool with that, or so I believe. Hopefully, she remains cool. I hated shouting at her and shouting at myself. I never want to go back to that. Guess I will say this to her whenever I get a chance to talk to her next. I never connected with him as much, except for him and may be him. Him, I met for too short a time, but I knew instantaneously that he was intelligent and a weird soul. Him, I have learnt to love through these years, and he is simply awesome.

Was confused as to where this post ought to belong.

People ain't no good

We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word
People they ain't no good


Hilarious!!!

How does it feel?

So how does it feel
When you see a bum on the road?
When you see a man in orange shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking tobacco from a pipe...
When you see a lady cooking something homely without a concern about whether people will like it or not...
When you see a little boy fighting with his friends because he wants to be the goal keeper...
When you see a rat moving about trying to find food...
When you see a dog limping because a car ran over his leg...
When you are in the same place and you see the sun looking at you and slowly fading away...
When leaves fall before winter, only to grow back in spring...
When you see a couple fighting or disgruntled...
When you meet a person who does not know you but asks, "How are you!!??"...
When you see people passing a blind woman who clearly needs help crossing the road...

When you sit at a table and a person you know is no longer the same because he is trying to create conversations and stories and therefore make the social experience relatively pain free...

When you watch people meeting each other after a long time and they say, "How have you been!!!??? Good... What else?" and then they start staring away because there is nothing left that is even slightly meaningful;
They then go on to start topics of global, social, religious or communal importance...

When you sit next to a friend and there is no real conversation transpiring, but it is peaceful...

When you see a baby clutching at people and looking around...

When you hear or read or see proof that the city you live in is not as safe for women as you would want it to be...

When you see yourself, and how you have aged, and how you have accepted things, and how you have molded your beliefs, and how you care so much about money and comforts, and how you have stopped loving your family because it is now taken for granted as a part of your mundane life, and why you cannot remember your purpose in your life, and you do not know the last time you wanted a real vacation and actually had a real vacation, and how you are just passing through life.

Wise Statement

Excerpt from what a wise person once said:
" ... hopefully I'll go... hopefully I'll like the place I live in... hopefully the job I take up will make me happy... it worries me that this isn't the path for me...
..what if this isn't the path for us...

...we are all doing the best we can with what we have"

Some of us are trying to do the best that we can with what we have.
Best, depends on keeping the non-work aspects of our life in equilibrium.
I do not want to change who I am based on my career goals.