Rumination

It is intriguing, how I feel useful and useless in the same day.
I feel sad at times.
I try to find a meaning to my being each day.
And convince myself with a decent answer, knowing partially how I don't have an answer yet.
This makes me believe at times, that most people also fool themselves with having found a meaning to their individual lives.
But here is the point.
As long as you can fool yourself without knowing about it, you have managed to believe in your foolishness and thereby you are real.
This may come across to most as a guy(me) trying to sound really enlightened.
Brah!

I have been called a sweet guy too often.
Makes me believe, that I am sweet simply because many are not.
Therefore it is all relative.

Another bone;
I am a nice guy especially because I hail from a rich family.
Most guys from rich families turn out to be brats.
Therefore, this again is relative.

One more;
I was said to be smart in BMS.
But let's face it, I was competing with people - many of whom had no great ambition and many of whom were from 'Commerce'.
So let me be called a bitch.
For I have said what is not to be said because it is 'frowned upon'.

I remember saying once, " I just want to change the world. "
Note that the above sentence has / had no exclamation mark.

I zoom out at times and see this world from another perspective.
Not that I believe that I am great or I know things that most don't.
All I believe is this:
There is no need to believe in a set of rules and guidelines.

I miss happiness.
But I have certain beliefs as to how I could possibly attain that happiness.

One is companionship.
One is providing guidance.
One is taking a real vacation.
One is creating wealth - if that concept makes sense; highly debatable.
One is companionship.

I tell you this.
I am already dying a worthless death.
Frown.
Alas.
Boo Hoo.