Where are we going?

Firstly, thank you to my friend who provides me with outrageous movies.
Going on, Chaos.
Saw this movie today, Pi. Outrageous, simply because it stimulates one's mind.
I said, if nature is natural, and if a bee is natural, and what it does is natural then why is what a human does, "man-made" and not natural. There could possibly be an order to the chaos or the apparent individualism.
I believe this is where Ayn Rand also steps in, with her belief of individualism.
Humans, love being in control - thereby, love being individuals.
A person may be part of a group and may be following a herd. But if I tell that person, 'O, so you are just following the herd?' - we know how offended that person would be.
There are people who love being safe.
There are people who love believing they are safe.
There are people who love believing they control certain aspects of their lives.
Why is there a concept of 'fate' or 'destiny'?
Was it a control that was imposed ti provide people with a belief of being safe?

Is it possible that there is an order to everything?
It is possible.
Do I want to believe it?
No.
Could I accept it?
Yes.
Do I believe in the outrageous being possible?
Yes.

I discovered a maths formula in school - and that formula still intrigues me.
I believe that not many people would know it - and if there be people who read this post and ask me for it, I do not want to share it without my will. Does it prove that I was/am brilliant?
Far from it.
Why is the Pythagoras theorem so absolute?
Why is the fibonacci sequence observed in nature?
Why is 2 such an important number?
Why is a circle so amazing, that in 3 dimensions, it influences astrophysics?

I know too little to ask more questions.

How has a floppy disc that held 1.44 Mb evolved to more than 4 Gb?
When will this system crumble under its own advances?

Sciences are around us, even though the skeptics love believing that science has made lesser advances in the recent past.
If the computer has evolved so drastically in 14 years, from windows 95, low ram, low hard disk, black and white curved screens, no internet to what it is now - where are we going with this?
And how far can we go with this?

I believe in cleaner technology, greater computing, increased efficiencies, nuclear war, biological wars, firesales and annihilation.
I believe that humans will not get past 2020 without a huge catastrophe.
Alas.

The Random, The Art and The Hair

A friend once told me - "You are an artist - why finance?"
I thought, "Well, insanity is one side, creativity is one side, questions are one side, ego is one side, purpose is one side, self portrayal is one side, facades are everywhere."
I constantly battle with these variables, simply because there are many things that I want. Or at least want to consider. There is only so much that I can cram into this stupid day.
Eye One Duh if I could be suffering from split personality disorder.
May be I am bottling all of this inside of me, and one fine day it is going to erupt.

I want to read the whole day.
I want to sit on the grass and do nothing.
Listen to music.
Sleep at a stretch.
Be ignorant.
Be aware.
Learn, discuss, romance, forge a relation, and control certain beliefs.

I suffer from bouts of insanity - which is sadly thrust upon onlookers.
Somewhere, I make a conscious effort to let the insanity out.
And I also think to myself - "Do I act insane so that people look at me and remember me or at the least, laugh at me?"
I know the answer to that question.
I actually, ask myself that question on numerous occasions.

Knowing thyself - greater than knowing thyself'

Note: Just tackled one of the greatest disturbances in my life.
Could possibly have been the greatest influence to me.
Some of my hair started greying (the term should be 'whitening' - don't know what is so grey about it) when I was in 5th of 6th grade. Trauma - this term can be applied here - disbelief, fear and low self esteem led me to colour my hair.
Up until 2009. After colouring, about a month thence, the hair starts changing colour due to discolouration and pollution.
So extra care to not stand with the back of my head facing a known person.
A lot of crap.
And just a month ago - owing to various circumstances - I said fuck it.
Well, because with all this perception of being unordinary, weird, and crazy - might as well stand out physically too. Who knows if I get cancer or some crap due to prolonged exposure to hair colour from such a young age at regular intervals.

So now, my hair is natural colour. May be people might remember me as the guy with salt and pepper hair. So be it - hahahahaha...
Just think that such a thing is not worth my mind.
A load dumped.
A mind free.
Other things to focus on.

Intrigue

Amusing, how people motivate themselves through pride.
Amusing, how they look at other people expecting them to be astonished at what they may have done.
Amusing, how they carry themselves.
Amusing, how people crave to achieve a certain few things in life.
How people like to believe that they have a meaning to their lives.
How people never understand that they are cockroaches.
People will evolve and some are more equal than others.
Did you know that?
I believe not.
Do you know why?
It is because you believe that you are more equal than others but you are not currently because there is a 'potential' in you.
Procrastination and perceptions also start with 'p'.

Why do people love to look nice?
Why do they believe that looks will get them somewhere?
Read: Self fulfilling prophecy.

I once met a person who was about to (knowingly) lose his job due to a certain function he wanted to perform. He believed that he had to perform that function because that is what a function implied. The risk to the firm was transitory. The risk to himself was transitory.
But on executing that function he would have done the extraordinary and that in itself would have been a reason to exist.

Hmm - what I saw here was a conscious mind.

So I think sometimes - that a person who does not look presentable - would he ever receive acknowledgment?

The world is flawed because society is flawed because we are flawed because society is flawed because perceptions differ and flaws are a constant.

Where I am right now - people are pretending to have found a meaning or purpose to their useless lives.
One of those people is currently crapping these thoughts.

Analysis

I was thinking about why I have blogged so less off late. And here is my hypothesis :P
Too lazy (read: tired) at home.
Too tired throughout the day.
Actually busy throughout the day - which I still find hard to comprehend - although I do wake up at 615 - 630 everyday and sleep by 11-1145 pm
I was trying to figure out what I really do.
And I realised that I just read, walk, cook, clean and attend lectures.
Am I 'chilling'? - No.

But why have I stopped blogging?
Well, in Mumbai - I used to be wasted everyday, in terms of utility. I used to reach home relatively early and chill. There was accumulated angst which would require an outlet. Lack of better things to do would justify thoughts.
It is surprising how drastically life has changed and how busy I really am here.
I feel fulfilled and sad at the same time.

I read what I wanted to - finance.
I think about what I wanted to - finance.
I have access to what I wanted - finance.
I have already checked out 2 books from the library which are way too advanced for the class - just because of my interest and the sheer option of having that choice.
I cannot find the time to read those books.

Another thing - I cook. And I mean, I cook. Cut onions, cook chicken, mess up my taste buds and grow tired of cleaning vessels.
I wonder if this is a curve that I am lucky to be passing through.

As my friend once mentioned
You have everything you need to get what you want. Take chances.

Exhibit A

There is a difference between return on money and return of money.

Anyone who is insane enough to think about their lives is bound to be numb.

Just because there is no proof, it does not mean there is no proof.

Somethings are just not visible. Ref. Details of a balance sheet. Ref. Ghosts.

Dreams dont cost a thing - Sleep does.

Bee - have - year

I have to comprehend people's behaviour. I know that it is unlikely that I will understand the general level of stupidity and / or rigidity. It is gruesome but it is how humans behave. Humans love to put other humans down and feel better about themselves - especially when there is an audience. I do not like the idea of being helpless especially in terms of being subject to absolute monotonic criticism - because then, it is not criticism, it is an absolute opinion.
I prefer a discussion, you know - prove me wrong, I am absolutely fine with it. If there is no conclusion - that too is alright. Let us say, " Chuck it man - - we are not going anywhere with this. You have your opinion and I have mine. "

Well - I would have to reiterate that I am a mitch - male bitch. It is not that necessary and may be I am a good guy. But let us just believe that people ought to dislike me. Sadly, they dont.

I know the grin that is associated with pride. The eyes and how they glare at people in a condescending way. I find it repulsive. But hey, I am supposed to be human right? So I shall continue to observe these filthy creatures and be a part of society