Evaporation

We believe water evaporates even though we do not see where the water goes.
Today I dedicated about 20 minutes of my life to staring at a big droplet of water on my arm evaporating.
My neck hurt after a while - but I tried my patience and succeeded.
The water eventually vanished.
Highly intriguing.

Adam Lambert

This guy makes me smile whenever I see him singing. Simply because he changes appearance as soon as he is performing. I smile because may be I see the Howard Roark in him. I am too simple about my perceptions but he just seems like the perfect example of a human life - when he is on stage.
Passion - may be I have missed out on this word when describing life. I find it absent from people. Before I talk about it wrt to people - I must say that it is missing in me. And may be that is exactly what I strive for and hope to attain one fine day.

4 Individual Days

I wanted to register myself as a voter. I had enrolled at JaagoRe.com quite a while ago and might I say that they have done a fantastic job!
Anyhu; I go to this god forsaken, society forsaken, life forsaken, logic forsaken place - New Airport Colony. Huge land, hardly anybody staying there and those who do stay in kachra homes it seemed. Humari govt. zindabaad!
Park next to kachra, walk on a dusty road to reach a decently big building where there were only 2 tables and a host of frustrated humans.
Illiterate fools were taking registration forms. No line, no decorum, no pointers on how to fill forms, nobody to help a person out. So every individual has to ask the same question individually to the guy at the desk who cares so much about the people.(it is sad how sarcasm cannot pour out from a blog)

I end up going to that place on 4 separate days. Photo missing, signature missing, attestation missing, voter id photocopy of family member missing, signature on photocopy of voter id of family member missing and so on. But the prize goes to: "O - today it is shut - come tomorrow"

So finally, it is the last day that I think I shall ever go there. I am cofident that I have everything with me. I go up, someone cuts me and goes ahead. Then the guy at the table wants to go for lunch - he is tired of sitting so much :-(
I felt so bad for him you know??!!
So I have to queue in the adjacent line.
The guy has my form in his hand.
A girl butts in and gets her form across.
Guys tend to like girls - alas.. so I am pushed back
He again has my form in his hands.
Guy comes from behind him and blurts something in Marathi.

"OK - I cant take any more forms, the date of elections is out."

And that is that.
People us the term 'disbelief' very easily.
But just imagine my predicament.
This was sheer DISBELIEF.
I mean, wow - I have been coming here, you have the bloody form on your sweaty palms.
Sign the damned thing and allow me to vote.


But no - why should I allow you to vote.
I am the almighty. . .
Do you know that it was I who gave Eve the right to bite that stupid apple?

Yes sir - Yes sir.
I bow to thee.
May this country not rott - although it deserves to.
With bafoons like you at the helm
And baboons like us licking your feet and voting you into power.


Please continue to give jobs to people because they are poor or socially backwards - whatever that means.
Do not allow competition to make life better.
Do not make government officers and workers answerable to anybody.
Let money speak the lanugage of justice.
Please allow this country to wither away.

Portraits

Well - I have an exam in 4 hours and I ought to be studying but there are some images in my head that were disturbing me. Just had to let them out.

A man holding a woman tight and finally the woman is like - OK now I can leave you right? But the man requests the woman . . . Just a while longer please. So the woman starts sobbing.

A crawling small man in a sea of people all looking down on him and laughing their throats off. He feels alone and naked and there is absolutely nobody to help him up.

A person on a hill looking at a dark city at night. There is no movement because he is far away. There is no sound and barely any light. He is laughing inside his head at the nonsense going on in civilization.

A woman sitting on a bench at a promenade listening to the ocean with her eyes closed oblivious to the fact that men are leching at the lone sight. There is a burn inside her that will destroy the first person she sees when she opens her eyes. So she decides not to.

A child walking on the beach and falling on her sponge skin with a thud. Giggling and then falling on her back to look at the sky. Stupid because there is nothing she comprehends about the sky. Intelligent because there is nothing she comprehends about the sky.

Finally, a man hung on a mountain top by his arms wide open looking at the people below. The people are in awe of his blasphemy and are murmuring. There is an insane laughter that drives the people mad. It is the guy who is laughing at society and all that they hold dear. He is laughing at himself because he is tortured in his pain. He finally feels complete because he met his desire.
Alone, Tired, in Pain, and Mad.
For some reason I can see the wide grin on his pale face and the ensuing laughter that resonated through the people below. His eyes are striking and large. There is a child in him.

Withdrawn

So withdrawn you know. . .
Just planning my next trip - hope it happens soon.
The hollowness inside shall not subside because all seems futile.
The brightness shall not erode because all seems plausible.
I long for a day
When I face the morning with a smile on my face.
Elusive it seems - but within reach nonetheless.

I have no idea where I will go
I know why I am going though.
Just have to get away so I can organize the thought(s) in my head.
I wonder if it appears depressing.
Or whether I am a lone soul.
I am not sure if I care of what people may think
Just that I give a Fk.

I wonder if it is a phase
And one day it strikes me like a truck head on.
That I am just nobody in the middle of somebodies.

Withdrawn.
Guaranteed.
All that I hold dear shall one day vanish I am sure of.
All that I hold wanted shall someday metamorphose into abstract.
Withdrawn.
Guaranteed.
Nullified.
Blown Apart.

Cannot feel my heart beat.
Cannot feel myself sleeping.
Cannot see myself unconscious.
Cannot feel the sun upon me.
Cannot feel the warmth.
Cannot hear the words.
Lost.
Withdrawn.
Guaranteed.

Back to the future

Saw 2 movies today and just thought that I'd make a note of them. Nothing extraordinary about them - but the idea was nice. I liked Before Sunset more than Before Sunrise. The former was just more mature and yet nutty. The latter seemed like it was stuck together. So these 2 people meet in 1994 and spend a day together around Vienna. 9 years later they meet in Paris and they are so happy about it. The funny thing is - both of them are in committed relationships now. It was nice to see 2 people so comfortable around each other. A friend of mine had originated that idea in my head - love is more about comfort than romance.
So anyway - there is this one thing that the guy says during the boat ride in Paris. Something to the effect of - or at least that is the way I interpreted it - you can look back at your past and say that yes that was a person who I would have really loved to be with. Just that I did not grasp the opportunity. It is a hilarious way of thinking how human beings function socially. The guy is with his wife who he does not love but who he is with because of their kid. The girl is with this guy who is away most of the time which is convenient for her so that she can do what she wants to and not be claustrophobic.

This post has to do with the word 'regret'. If one chooses not to take up and utilize an opportunity 'what if' will always remain.
2 people who are just comfortable with each other should get a chance to know each other and just be together.
Time away from one another.
Going out with people apart from one another.
Sex, food, entertainment together.
Silent time together.
Conflicts are not bad - - they are bound to happen - just shows that these are 2 different people.

So what if I am 40 years old and I think to myself that when I was 23 I got to know this great girl who I would have liked to know better. But due to circumstances neither of us had the want to give in too much time and put in too much effort. I am pretty certain that she had some hope in me too.
And then I meet her after 17 years and we laugh. And we are crying inside because we know that - wow - the 2 of us should have been together and at least given it a shot rather than dream hazy dreams about each other.

How bad can regret be?
I wonder. . .

Art

This goes out to the artists in my head. I admire - and let's call it ADMIRE - people who change when they are in their domain; people who are passionate about what they do. Al Pacino, Adam Lambert, Leonardo Dicaprio, Michael Jackson, AR Rehman, Modigliani, Warren Buffett, Jack Nicholson, Fransisco D'Anconia, Sachin Tendulkar, Adolf Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi, Gregory House, Mother Teresa. I had to think to come up with these names. The reason is simple. I see (or perceive) a certain emotion. A burning emotion in their work. Passion and glory irrespective of applause. A focused mind and a thrill in performing at their art. When I see or even hear Adam singing - it is amazing. The word 'amazing' is used too easily - but he is amazing. When I see Leonardo performing, he is mind blowing. I was going to put Tom Hanks in the list but for an odd reason I see Leonardo as the actor. I see him unable to sleep if he does not act to his standards. I am a mitch - which has been established. Sachin - I can see him applauding himself on a century and crying when he is injured. Love - that can be used. Love is what binds these creatures to what they do. Warren - I can just imagine him as a kid pouring over books, gobbling them and this is what is knowledge. Richness aside - just the thought that this is how his mind functions - logically, simply and extensively. Adolf - one focus, nothing lay in his path and burning desire stemming from what, only he may know. But the desire, the aggression. I surely hope that I do not get killed for applauding Hitler.

Some people are set on the correct path - may be. Some people make a path their correct path - may be. Creating or arousing such a passion in life is what excites me. I wonder if Finance will ever make me passionate. It could - but I am too enchanted with the notion of observance, thoughts, questions, judgments, seclusion, society, crazy and restlessness. I do wish that finance allows me to lose myself. I know how I feel about it right now but as most of us know - it is always great before you have it.

I can see the smiles, the tears, the burn, the anguish, the mad haunting laughter, the wild dance, the passion for love. I can see it all before me. In the faces I just imagined. These are the outsiders. These are our gods. I worship them - not to be who they are but to be in awe of how they are. I may not want to be them. Not even something similar. It is just a portrait in my head. I can see these bafoons embracing each other and looking over mankind and the lowly beings trying to justify their poor existence.

Intelligence is attractive

I was talking to my friend the other day and I said that it is amazingly difficult to find intelligent girls. She was aghast, "And it is amazingly easy to find intelligent guys??!!"

That is when I laughed and in a moment I thought of a lot.
Intriguing how one's mind is shut to another's perspective - and sometimes one just needs a push or a shove to open up.
Intriguing how some people value intelligence - not that it is sexy or awe inspiring. But well, for me it is a means of solace.
It is difficult to describe how that feeling functions.
I could be referring to either sex when I refer to intelligence. Somewhere it is disturbing and exhilirating and enchanting - but somewhere it is just plain blank.
There is an ease with which I may conduct myself around intelligent people.
I must make a disclosure here and say that what I perceive as intelligence is very harsh. A person may create a great business but I may find that person unimpressive. A person may walk alone and sing in his heart - and that I may find fascinating. A person can talk about an outing - and the tone in his or her voice will tell me if I find that person intelligent.
I do not believe intelligence matters a lot for success in life, yadiyadayada . . .
Just that - it is a rare trait.
Rare because intelligence has been diminished to engineering, science, and business. Art, spirituality and a ceaseless burst of questions are also intelligence.

I do not ask for agreement - all I ask for is an open mind.
All I ask for is a song in one's heart.
All I ask for is a pure smile and a lost pair of eyes.
I ask for a warm heart and an insane laughter.
I ask for eccentricity.
I ask for too much . . .

Conversations of the future.

Waiting for the time when I get to hear -

A: "How are You?"
B: "Do you really care?"
A: "Naaah"
B: " K "

A: "Hey, I'm going out."
B: " With who?"
A: "Noone, just me. . . "
B: "Mind if I join you?"
A: "Ya"

A: "Hey, I dint get the job 0 :-( "
B: " Lemme just cut the crap and say; either you dont deserve it or they are just too fkin stupid - therefore something else will come up. May be better - but you will never know if it is better coz you cant compare it yeah? - But something will come up. Cool?"
A: " Ya thannx - I needed the absence of bullshit"
B: "Welcome"

A: "I hate you!!!"
B: "That makes 2 of us"

Intolerance

The enormity of me being a male bitch, aka Mitch, is daunting. There is this ever growing repulsion and intolerance towards fools. Of course, I already admitted that I am a Mitch - this justifies me acting like a Mitch. The new found affection for intelligentsia may just lead to manic depression because intelligent people are firstly, a rare breed. Secondly, they are not very nutty. Thirdly, they are hardly ever the right nutty. Fourthly, intelligent nutty people who question most things are amazingly truffle like. Lastly, I would get bored with such people who resemble me.
It is a sin to think that I am an intelligent right nut with a need to question most things. So I have sinned. What I care?

The exterior, when people who are just plain dumb such that the dumbness leaks out of their eyes, ears and nostrils - not to mention other body parts -, I find testing my patience. One, to hold back the insane laughter building inside my tiny head. Two, the frustration that may lead to a burst of excitement. Ah, it is difficult to contain.

Now I wish that people do not read this. And people may not because hardly any people care enough about me or what I think. Then again, I have posted this on my blog which is open to all - this in fact shows that I would like people to read my post.

"Dude, I'm telling you - if you want to learn something na, it is better if you have a faculty from the industry. No dude, trust me..."
Well, you may be right - but your tone just shows how hilarious you are dear.
To state the obvious with as much enthusiasm as though people do not know that.

Ah, I think I may be deported to my home planet along with Tirath.

Responsibilities

The song sung by Gary Jules, made popular by Adam Lambert - makes me shout in disgust.
"Worn out faces, Going for their daily races; when people run in circles - it's a very very mad world". The reason this affects me is simple. The search for consciousness and the resulting nausea and disillusion. "The tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression." I find it surprising that people have seen me queer for a long time now. Till recently I believed that it was a recently acquired trait, but I have been told that I was queer for quite some time. May be I find it exhilarating to be labeled mad, and somewhere it is just me venting my inner self. Experiments with myself and society, if you may. I am nobody great and I may be a unique - most hilarious, depressing, interesting, boring, quiet and talkative person known to me. It was a simple life at first.
Come home and study, open World Book, Childcraft, Dinosaur book, Astronomy Book.
Then there was a need to excel at studies.
There was a creative lost stupid boy.
Then there was a need for society and acceptance.
There was also a need for love.
There was a need for being weird.
There was a weird.
There was a tramp some years ago too.
The tramp, in fact, gave rise to me, my brain and my perceived intelligence.
There was a need to change the world.
There was a great organisation that needed to be built.
There was a social angle to it too.
There was seclusion.
There was loneliness.
There was a sense of purpose just a few months ago.
There was depression.
There was ecstasy.
There was simplicity combined with complexity.
There was a quest for death.
There is . . . blankness + seclusion + adrenaline + disregard for society + frustration + thirst.

The thoughts that determine our present should not be open to others. But I try hard to show it. I wait for the time when I look at this and laugh at what I was.
There are the ignorant and there are the determined. There is a fine line between them that keeps oscillating. The determined are affected by their heads and by the external. There is a very fine line here too, that keeps oscillating. That leaves a very few who are affected primarily by their heads. These beings oscillate between the most powerful and most disgruntled beings.
My thoughts are mine to cherish.
This post may make people smile in amazement, laugh in bewilderment, scowl in hatred, shrug in kay sera sera, lose themselves in thought and seek me in order to kill me, cry out of the enormity of the bull shit written here.

Go on, go to work. You are late. The traffic might build up. The customer is waiting for the goods and you have done the documentation incorrectly. The internet is not working - I wonder how you will get by today. There is no electricity. Your boss wants to reward you with a promotion and a raise. Go on. Your wife is waiting at home because she wants to have sex. Go on. You have to head to gym because you are out of shape. Did you forget to mail the report? - My!! How will you sleep tonight?
Go on. There are forests to burn and air to pollute and trash to throw and water to pee in. Leave nothing unturned. Did you study well for your exam? It shall determine your progress in life. Did you put in ten hours of work today? O - so you are Mr. popular at office. Good for you dear.
Going nowhere with their daily races.
I find it kind of funny.
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm DYING are the best I've ever had.




On the brink.
Or am I ?

Age

Its kind of sad when I think of where I am headed.
There will be no birthdays.
There will instead be anniversaries.
I say goodbye to the lonely nights I spend by myself.
Hello dear companion - just intrude in me.
I may miss the lonely music sessions
And the silent movies.
The innocence shall pass.
No more 2 am messages
No more 1 hour phone chats. . .
Adios to lonely meetings with special friends I hold dear.
No more empty bed

I lose my friends faster than I know of it
No quick fixes - thats the future.
No surprises, no getting away
No Tiru nights out there

People over 30 look all the same
And for a reason
I believe life leaves people who dont care enough
But may be this is from this side of the grass.
May be it is pretty good till you die.

But I wonder what happens to all the solitude
And the surprises
And the seclusion.
It is funny how the entire friend equation changes
And 1 on 1 meetings will become kind of taboo
I believe that the impulse dies away
Everything starts to be charted.
I see some of the plans forming inside of me already.
And I see myself bored of me already.


"Hey, are you free? - Cool see you at 10 - Will pick you up."

"Hey, want to go to Lonavala?"
"Just you and me?"
"Ya - why not - - not going to eat you!"
"OK"

All this is going to go away.
Seems trivial and seems essential.

Is this why societies, in which independence is a way of life since 18 - 20 years of age, ' suffer ' from failed marriages? And not because of infidelity as much?

I wonder where the demography of India is headed. . .


"Circles they grow and they swallow people whole"

My experiments with Consciousness

So here i am again within a span of 40 minutes trying to pen my interpretation of consciousness. I am not trying to sound profound, it is just my foolish self that says that - my judgment matters to me.
People are truly random where each person has a certain belief - conscious or unconscious - of what he/she holds dear. And because the goal will never NEVER be the same for 2 individuals, the world is a random place. Irony - the sentence I hear right now - "When people move in circles, its a very very mad world"

Coming back to my rubbish; the goals may be infinitesimally similar, but never the same. For the past many years I have held this belief that people are selfish. Even a Mahatma or a Mother Teresa did whatever he/she did to suit one's own motive of selfish happiness. Not saying it is right or wrong - just saying that this to me is the truth.

So let me try and word this - the pursuit of money, fame, pride, ego, power, materials, love, comfort - emotional and physical - , detachment stem from a need to fulfill one's needs.

A baby is the purest kind of human I believe, which is why they always intrigue me. I may be great with babies or I may be pathetic but I am truly in awe of them for they have not been influenced by this world.

It is a proven belief that the one thing that babies love is to be held tight - such that there is perfect protection from outside interference. Also why, the best way to pacify a crying baby is to hold it tight and close to one's body. It is the fullest form of security. And somewhere, that mode of security never changes.

People love to be held. But society does not allow purity. Alas.

'No time to stop and stare.'
Somewhere - or rather everywhere - the peace is lost. Such that it actually takes an effort to go back to one's roots. May be meditation does that. May be seclusion does that. May be renunciation does that. But, Peace is very disturbing as soon as consciousness hits you.

All to what end ?
Now is what?
What are you upto - really?

It is funny how humans have evolved around this society where . . .
it is so difficult to look a person in the eye and have a worthless conversation.
it is so difficult to hold another person's hand without a reason.
it is so difficult to embrace someone you like, be it a man or a woman.
it is so difficult to leave things behind and care not.
it is so difficult to cry and howl when you feel rotten.

I wonder what I might think of this when I am 40 years old.
I hope I have a part of me that looks at society from the outside then too.
A me who can still swing his arms in public as though dancing or flying.
A me who talks to himself blatantly.
A me who, wishes to go away on a lonely trip.
A me who understands love for the simplicity that it is.
A me who is trying to define the line between being a part of society and laughing at it from the outskirts.
A me who longs for a death right after I have ended smiling.

Rotten BS

Kalina, Univ. of Mumbai. An appalling place taking into consideration the amount of land they have there. I saw cattle making a 'queue' for the counters. No idea what was happening because it was all very disorganised. I roam for a bit and finally find the counter where I am supposed to be. In the queue, I ask a guy for his pen and some random information regarding the hall ticket. After a while he comments - Are you from BMS , because you adjusted to the environment very easily. And I was like. haaaaaaaaa
Well, coz I chatted pretty easily with a girl standing behind me and also the girl standing on the other side of the counter. It was hilarious how he thought of me.

I saw these people there and amazed me how many people there actually were. All 'struggling' for an Mcom or a Bcom and struggling to achieve in life. No Fin support. Bleak future in spite of how one may try. Not how much, but how. And the scene also reflected it somehow. Dust, Sun, Angry faces, Frustration in the atmosphere, Sloths on the periphery, People all walking inside a perfectly straight line and the ones who veer off course do not have the courage to back it and are in fact scared of their actions.

I wonder where everyone is headed at times.
Aunty in rickshaw, Couple in car quarelling, friends in rick laughing, Lone biker in the heat, rick driver cursing the traffic, baby in pillon seat of bike in mums arms.
Well, my thoughts may be pretty aimless you know - but its better out than in.

People work for money and work harder to enjoy it or mostly, forget to enjoy it.
People build relationships with the perpetual fear of what if?
People work to suffer mentally or physically.
People exercise artificially to stay 'fit'.
Friends meet and talk about rubbish.
Friends smile together.
Rarely do people go to sleep peacefully.
Anxiety fills every moment it seems.
Fear. Longing for society, money, materials, love.
All to be undone when we die.
Highly intriguing.
I might keep writing about this till death.

Random Thoughts

Well, these are not entirely random . . .
What if there is no you? What if the Matrix was a real story?
What if we are dreaming right now and we wake up when we sleep; because we are programmed to think that 'this' is our conscious life and what we experience during sleep is not?
What if pain was wholly a mind game?
What if emotions were purely mechanical?
What if a person decides his purpose in life is to be a tramp?
What if, in fact, we all look the same but our eyes change its processing towards different entities which is why we see each other as different entities?
What if we are infact all aliens?
What if 'god' was an invention?
What if death was the beginning?
What if we wake up each morning with a different past and a different consciousness - by which I mean that what we believe happened yesterday did not really happen; but we believe it did because every time we wake up a new memory and a new consciousness is formed?
What if somebody found a way to create energy - practically and economically - from anti particles - - - But decided to destroy his invention?
What if somebody found the secret to happiness but decided to withold the information?
What if complete dissatisfaction was the route to inner peace?
What if animals are infact one form of species who really control us and we are just a part of a petri dish ?
What if the voices in our head are really our conscious selves but we have been taught to drown those voices?
What if the most intelligent people decided to quit society?
What if canibalism was life?
What if survival of the fittest was the mantra of society?
What if sex was disgusting?
What if people were wholly blunt about their feelings?
What if richer people were taxed the most?
What if there was no guilt associated with materialism?
What if the most beautiful people looked the most wretched and vice versa?
What would happen if I died right now?
What would happen if I said that I love you?

Near Death

50 years from now, when you look back at your life, don't you want to say you had the guts to get in the car? - Transformers.
Uncanny movie for such a deep thought to erupt from.
Regret and Guilt - as I have said before - form the basis of my progress. This has been me for the past 4-6 months where I have started to believe that everything that goes forth is based on perceptions of what I would want to not regret x years hence.
It never ceases to amaze me how we humans live in perpetual fear of what lies ahead - thereby shaping our present footsteps towards that future.
In the end it doesn't even matter; Ek pal ka jeena phir toh hai jaana.
It is all very juvenile and mature at the same time.
Even right now for instance, I am putting so much pressure on life that it ceases to be exciting.
I may never know if we are indeed inside the matrix.
I may never know how jubilant I may be on my deathbed - if I ever do have a death bed!
I have been fascinated with the concept of sleep and death.
Because there is no real way to understand where your mind has been or not been during those phases.
Also, those phases in which you are awake but you just lose yourself - I find them intriguing.
The Antarctic Ice Shelf, The solidified lava, The desert till as far as the eyes can see, Outer Space, The thunderous wonder of a secluded waterfall, the Auroras. I wonder if such experiences enchant and awaken he observers.
I want to smile back at my life when I am nearing death - whatever that may be.
That is the future.
The present comprises of Consciousness and Evolution.
Consciousness may relate to emotions, companionship, materialism, knowledge and detachment.
Evolution may relate to molding myself based on perceptions of human behaviour, knowledge that I gain, detachment that I may exercise, emotions that I showcase and materialism that I enjoy or renounce.
I like Droopy when he says,"I'm Happy".