Too much choice

 The confluence of 3 books:

The Body Keeps the score, Bad Therapy and Scattered Minds

And it reminds me that we can often be wrong

That we live in a world with too much noise, where everyone has a loudspeaker.

But also, a world where we have too much time and too many choices.

It is said that Indian and Buddhist meditative practices arose because they had the free time to just sit and breathe; and when we rested, we found out that our mind is constantly in a state of flux.

In my journey of parenting, I can see now that the abundance of time means that I am continually assessing how to allocate time, how to be mindful and be present.

But I look back at my one parent who was constantly there, and I can see that she too failed me. And even though she failed me, I have turned out quite ok, I am indebted to both of them and quite appreciative of my path.

And hence, it seems to me that there is no magic path.

Its just a constant tug between selfish and selfless (which is indeed selfish), between good and bad (habits, diet, lifestyle, thoughts, behaviour).

And eventually its just about getting through life without, hopefully, any serious disasters.

Our current lives are filled with so many choices, that it seems to me a root cause for a lot of mental ills in the world. The doomscrolling, and the ability to whine and worry because of a surfeit of time and resources. 

If you are reading this, the odds are you can overeat, oversleep, overexercise, overlounge, overdoomscroll without any immediate repercussions. 

But as soon as you glance at another who is too busy or too worried about money, the odds are that the 'depression' of theirs stems from something else entirely. 

We now live amongst a populace of whiners and wasters (me too).  

And again, my kids teach me. Today, K was dancing and walking saying " I daaat a taaaain!!!" (I got a coin). Thats mindfulness.

Money as the metric

Someone just estimated me at 10x of where I was. And that made me feel small; have I achieved so little?

I started defending all my steps, and my journey.

It finally dawned on me that his maths was flawed.

And now I understand that all of us are flawed.

Why is money the metric for achievement?

I told my wife the other day, that I see prisons everywhere...

My 2 year old kid HAS TO go to school; and my 5 year old also sees that.

And until they are 18 or so, they dont see an alternative; that is just how lives are lived.

These same prisons allow for an unencumbered life, full of joy and love and anxiety and performance pressures.

They then move to "what do you want to learn, in order to be employable"

The college life is a lot more carefree, where personalities are formed and clothing is finally your choice! You finally get to meet real strangers and you start fending for yourself in the world.

What happens next after the age of 22 to 26 is astounding... You HAVE TO report to work. You dress a particular way, speak a particular way, and you HAVE TO show up everyday and put a smile on your face. Unlike school, you cant choose to be in a grumpy mood or plain refuse to speak to anyone.

And the sad reality is that a lot of people spend a huge chunk of their hours being at work, managing chores, and very simply, imprisoned by the daily grunt of being fit, looking fit, and showing up at work. 

And then, by the age of 55-70 there is another astounding change. 

People stop working, and start preparing for a life of 'nothing'. There is finally, no showing up at work, fewer pretenses,  and there is now a mad scramble to hope you are fit and wealthy enough to live a full life.

And all of this can be traced back to forms of industrial revolution and colonialism, where the school culture and the work culture began.

And this brings us to what they call the 30s crisis, where people have now started having kids and they are forced to assess their health and if this is the life they want to live. They quit, go freelance, and start their own business so as to be more free.

Just last month, when I was faced with absolute freedom, I realised that beyond books, TV, reading for work and exercise there was precious little to life unless we find ways to reconnect with people. I suppose that this is the current plight of the people - we would much rather doom scroll than face life. 

Mimetic

 I have been going through a mid-life assessment for the last year or so:

1. Do I want to travel and experience the world with my kids?

Yes, but I dont want the grunt and I will be poorer without the work it involves :|
I am free to make my own time, but seemingly, not free to do it on my own selfish terms.

2. Why do I work? Is it not for fun?
I guess I am emulating these investors who read for a living; and the question is: Do I enjoy reading? Or do I like the idea of being a reader? An inch wide and a mile deep my friend said; but I prefer 2 inches deep and a mile wide. 

3. Isnt it time I prioritize health and happiness over mindless gluttony, sloth, greed, envy and ambition?

Yes, and my move to the new home has helped me immensely - surprising how life's events can surprise us. 

4. Do I have any friends? Do I long for anyone?

Here too, I have felt the tug of life's pace. 

Therapy made me realise that I was caught living between 2 ends of the spectrum; the person I didnt want to become and the person my wife wanted me to be. Non-blissfully ignorant of my strained situation. 

The self knew it and did not know it at the same time. 

5. Have I begun racing through life because of the need to optimise time and ROI?

Yes. There is an X amount I make per day, so how can I waste time going to a book store? I ought to buy it online right?
Rory Sutherland awakened me to this and so did the Good Life book, four thousand weeks book, Wait; Rick Guerin's obituary.

The joy of doing is slipping away because we can suddenly do so much.

Is there any merit in physically shopping for groceries? I am taking N to a market tomorrow

Shouldnt I pick what I want to watch, before I begin browsing? The cable TV allowed us to surf aimlessly, but that graduated to the OTT VOD platforms, where we are no longer watching anything intently? Hence, I aim to build a DVD collection of old movies

6. My old story of ' this TV works fine, and hence I dont need a new TV' , vs ' Why am I using an old broken kettle, when Louis XI would have killed to have a beautiful useful piece at home'

Shouldnt I upgrade my life to maximising joy from the leisurely things I love? A good manually ground coffee in a french press, a beautiful pair of shoes that can elevate my walking, a handsome kettle in which I can boil water for my tea? or should it be a stove top old school kettle that is energy inefficient and time consuming?

7. Is it important to read 40 books a year, or shouldnt I prioritise re-reading some great books? Why do I not have the time to read the Lord of the Rings again?

Our world of plenty is throwing at us options for what to do with our free time. It could be mindlessly scrolling through Insta, a leisurely walk, learning how to make a dosa, reading a book or reading a synopsis and believing  that you have done it.

Slow down. Watch my children grow. Take charge of my health. Be mindful. Minimize regret. 

10 years

 Am I the same person?

My body is stiffer, my mind is more distracted, my gene pool is flourishing, I am richer, I am wiser.

But may be, the starkest difference is that I am full of gratitude, I am more humble because there is a lot I have to be humble about and that I am dying.

Nothing serious really, it's just that life is something you experience right until the moment you die. And then, all you have is eternity.

I have two small kids now and my world is larger because of them; there is more to be alive for and be more aware of and be fitter. I am on my way out and I continually see me through their eyes - and its a joyful out of body experience.

____

The fleetingness of love, marriage, life, money and most importantly, happiness keeps chipping at me.

I had once written about happiness and contentment - and how the motive ought to be joy and contentment.

I would be a fool if I asked for a better life.

These last 10 years have seen a big shift in how we manage our time. We dont sit at a computer anymore do we? We dont wait for the news - we dont even know what is new. I see anxiety around me and inside me and I hope that we find a way back to the cassette and to the waiting for the train and to the silence.

I wonder if I will write more...

To be or not to be

Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run—in the long-run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it.

- Victor Frankl

When I heard a friend speak of her fabulous trip to Greece, I grew envious.

And then I realised there was nothing to envy for we always see the greener parts on the other side.

Most of us are doomed to mediocrity, but there is nothing wrong with it.

We will never do the best things we hear of and read of and see... we will always do that which we are able to and allow ourselves to.

One should look back at life as though it has already been lived and once you do that acknowledge that you are about to act as wrongly now as you did the first time. - Frankl again.

The Surrogates are here

We have achieved and destroyed a lot of things very quickly.
The last 20 years have been transformational, with personal computing, air travel, and the internet changing human lives forever.

And now, the surrogates are here.
I didnt know we were so close to the Bruce Willis movie about the future where humans opted for artificial bodies, and artificial looks to lead a more visually appealing, safer and stronger life.

It will start with medical surgeries/ implants/ limb replacements.
It will soon go to making a normal human stronger and reducing and eventually removing his need for using his biological body.
It's not too far fetched.

Humans cant be broken, technology is broken.
I wonder if this will be a curse or a gift.

Not too long ago, mobile phones made the world so much better with the ability to stay in touch.
And now, some companies and the government have the power of knowing where you are and more scarily, people are in touch with others through their mobile phones in the midst of being physically around some other friends.
The ability to stay in touch has transformed into a habit of wanting to be in touch, when there is no real need for the same.

I wonder where Bionics, Apple, FB and Google are going to take us.

Farooque saab

Met Farooque at Dehradun airport in September, and told him about this article that my friend had written.
He was a pleasant man. Spoke to him for 2 minutes at the bookshop at the airport, about how nice the said interview was, and about how simple people are difficult to find.
He died yesterday.
Such is life.

What struck me today morning while reading the newspaper was how fondly people spoke of him and remembered past events. And I thought that, well, that's a life well lived isn't it.
Nobody cared about how much money he made, or how big his hits were, or whom he bedded.
People just remember his lucknowi chikan kurta and his nodding smile.

I was visibly sad when I read about his death.

Life at 26

A lot has changed in the time that I have lost the will to write; somebody crazy has entered my present and promises to mold my future. Am not sure how this came to be; is this what I hoped for? Sure it is. This is an amazing place and I have not felt this breeze in a while.

8 months ago, life seemed alright and drudgery was beginning to rear its head. Somehow, my work life has drastically improved - to the point where I can't distinguish between within and without.

It's a scary time this, because my road seems to have changed; the dense, beautiful forest has given way to vast plains of new shoots. My troubled past seems to be overwhelmed by this change, and parts of me which had been lost are finding themselves again.

This country has evolved to the point of acceptance and withdrawal. There are many far-fetched thoughts in my head, all of which seem attainable, and if not, then worth the endeavour. Suddenly, everything seems to have become exciting. Sure, there is deep fear that I will be disappointed and broken. And if I am broken again, I wonder where my soul will wander off to. 

I wish to study again
I wish to live away from India for a year if not many
I wish to allow room for changes in my insolence
I wish to read ever more.

Facebook

And I just deactivated my facebook account.
Feels oddly relieving.
Like pooping after a long time.

Who are you supposed to be?

The other day a friend spoke of gender biases - "he allowed her to cut her hair."
"What did he mean by the word "allowed"? And why doesn't that happen the other way around?"

To this, another interjected and said that it's not a question of gender but of a partnership - one often seeks another's approval, either sincerely or just to keep the swords sheathed. (No pun)

So, I think today that, quite often, who we are is a resultant of who we are with. That said, at a certain age and at a certain stage we choose those with whom we would like to be associated. We shed the lipids and we bulk up on the protein and vitamins. At a certain stage, we proclaim to ourselves that this person is who I am and this is how I choose to go along on my journey henceforth.

The big caveat here is - do we have the freedom to do the said? That freedom is a choice; it's another thing that most people choose to live in a creation of the large society around them, and that they believe that they are left with no choice.

As the Oracle had said, there is always a choice and we have already made the choice - it's up to us to understand why we have made that choice.

And then there are the hedonists. The purists. The egoists as portrayed in Ayn Rand's creations. Mr. Rituparno Ghosh seemed to have lived for himself - he lived his way. There are many who decide that they don't have to subject themselves to categorisations as accorded by society - the religious badges have begun withering away with many classifying themselves as agnostic, which, for me seems to be "I dont know, I dont care and it's none of your business"

This brilliant piece for Ghosh, who died last week, written by my friend, says a lot about the man. He created for himself at times, they were parts of human life which were easily glossed over. He looks (looked) weird - may be a man, may be a woman - but the point is, does it matter?


To end, it is difficult enough to tolerate much of what is thrown at us. There is no need to torture oneself by ignoring the choices that we indeed have. There are things which are beyond us and there are things which are very much within our locus of control. Had written about this 3 years ago.

And on that note. I shall eat some meat.

The glory of travel.

It has only been 3-4 years old for me - my thrill of traveling.
Many of my stories are unknown to others - isn't that just brilliant. In these tech-know-everything times, to have secrets; not dark secrets but glorious gems hidden away in your mind and in your diary.

A brilliant article about the glory of travel. 

What if we all died at forty?

A thought-provoking post on Marginal Revolution.

Death has always been intriguing.
People believe that they will continue living and they will continue remaining healthy; and then we throw a spanner (pile) in the works. Bam!
It's over.

Hence, what if everyone started living as though they would die at 60?

Would people become more innovative at work?
Would people spend more?
Marry earlier and produce offspring earlier?
Travel more?
Quit people and work more easily?

We earn money under the pretext that we will have enough money after retirement - hmmmm.
Oddly, nobody can see themselves at 60 when they are 30.

Shouldn't we all be living as though there are only a few days/ weeks/ months left?

And you think you have problems

A fascinating story from 1994/1995.

Puts a perspective to things doesn't it?

Climate Change

So, how often do 28000 rivers go missing?
It seems to have happened in China

And, with 9 million people to bury every year, China is running out of space in their cities for burials. Duh.

And India is not alone in its annoying superstitions; apparently, an old Chinese custom declares that a dead woman should get married to a deceased bachelor.

Amazing eh. 

Dutt to Jail

Funny that this blog is called 'khadda' which means hole. Modeled after Galt's Gulch.

Yesterday, Sanjay Dutt was sentenced to completing his 5 years in jail for possession of an AK47 blah blah. Indians know the story - kinda. This is today's article - very thought-provoking view of how one ought to think of what happened to the man.
The story is simple - he used to be a wild child who loved guns and drugs. Of course, I am saying this based on what I have read which often is garnished with a lot of rubbish.

The points are:
Luck is a strong force; many celebrities and powerful people have gotten away with worse.

A bad decision can haunt you forever. Quite often, what these biggies say is that , 'hey, now we have changed ... sorry for what happened.' Which is quite the conundrum eh?

How do you repent the things you have done?
What is the cost of a life?
How strong is money really?

Pitiful

This song by The Kings of Leon is one of my favourites by them:

But everybody says this place is beautiful
And you'd be so crazy to say goodbye
But everything's the same, this town is pitiful
And I'll be gettin' out as soon as I can fly

It's the story of our lives in India :P
We live in the city in which we grew up; off late this trend is changing because work takes Indians to another city and they move there.
Bombay-ites love Bombay, largely because of inertia. They become comfortable with their friends, neighbourhoods and the functionality of the system.
At the thought of moving to a city like Pune or Bangalore (let alone Hong Kong), the conversation is like the 4 lines of the song mentioned above. 

It's not easy to leave a city like Bombay which provides some of the things we like having around - this could be a pub, a good restaurant, egg bhurji at 11pm on the road, taking a train to churchgate and of course, our friends - which makes me wonder, could it really be a product of our grooming?

The Indian social setting is based on friends and family; inevitably, people get married and then they are stuck. I don't mean it in the derogatory sense, (but all married people look similar into their 30s) I just believe that people get stuck with the concept of family and friends - there is a strong sense of attachment and duties and how things ought to be.

A friend recently told me that what the urban Indian yuppies want nowadays is easy money, a good social setting, a sexy wife (or husband) and home cooked food available at will (just like it was when living with the parents); they want to move out and create their homes the way they want it but want to live near the parents, they want to travel the world but can't imagine being away for too long. 
The West has spoilt us with choices I think. 

I don't understand the concept of marriage and I hate being tied down. Compromises are OK, but not when stretched to an extent where it changes the fibre of who I am. I don't like loud people, I don't like taking pictures of a monument, I hate traffic, I love my space, I love open spaces and I enjoy good company. I love the mountains and I enjoy my fair share of nature. I like new foods and new drinks and new people.
I don't understand what marriage or a relationship has to do with 'stability' or an anchored physical location to live at.

All these thoughts are spewing forth because of a dear friend (who I miss terribly - and that I mean) left her home country and work city and moved to another country which is culturally similar and moved in with her boyfriend.

Digression: I think live-in relationships are the way things should be. It gets rid of the legal and societal hassles (and burden) that come with a marriage. 

So, she moved in with this dude she hasn't known for too long but long enough (the time, I mean). She quit her job and is studying for an exam and praytell, what is wrong with that? Moving to another city is not a life changer - it could be a simple temporary move, one can just take it as it comes. Indians care too much about how others see them (don't roll your eyes, I know it is true) and the new Indians like to live life as though they are self-centered, but the truth is that they are torn between these dichotomous strains. 

So hey, as I had mentioned earlier and as the Beatles said, life is very short and there's no tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime for fussing and fighting my friend.
This town is pitiful, and I'll be gettin' out as soon as I can.

Until then, let the beer flow.

P.S. I crave Korean Food.

The power of media

Something is changing in the world and we are not noticing it.
The speed with which information is now shared makes lemming behaviour come to the fore.

A good article here about how 1 photo went kinda viral on the net and nobody knew who shot it, where it was shot or when. And eventually, the truth surfaced.
But by then, everybody 'knew' where it was from and didn't care about the correction.

This kind of behaviour is all-pervasive now - we talk about things nonchalantly and care lesser about the things that matter. The need to be heard is becoming all the more important, which shows itself in the need for facebook, facebook stalking, blogging, twitter-ing (or as is called - tweeting), whatsapp chats and group chats.

The first time it happened was during the age of hotmail - the first few years of free email - when people loved sending forwards and exchanging trivial information.

Oddly, the need to be connected is now so strong that stronger, more wholesome relationships are breaking down in favour of shallow, short-lived relations.

We live in interesting times. 

Thoughts

Mortality must've hit you right? Instead of seeing yourself dying at 70, you see yourself dying 5 minutes from now.

Don't know why people believe in living for others, because living for oneself ought to come first eh? The Indian society is structured in a way that the family and the community comes at the expense of the self and now the new yuppie indians want the best of both - they want mummy's love and they want a super sexy wife.

Why hasn't euthanasia been legalised yet?

Why don't we have good sanitation for the general public - is it really that expensive if property rates can be easily north of INR 5000 / 20000 per sq ft.?

Why do you work for INR 100k per month if you have free family wealth of INR 5 Cr?

Building demolition

Now isn't this awesome. Plain awesome.

The Japs have created a way (someone else?) to demolish a building with lesser noise, more cleanly and much more beautifully.

Farooque Shaikh

My friend's post about her meeting with Farooque Shaikh.

Loved it - people get blinded by the pursuit and eventually start tripping on it.
It's important to take a step back and take it all in, see things in a simpler light and slow down just a tad.