Mimetic

 I have been going through a mid-life assessment for the last year or so:

1. Do I want to travel and experience the world with my kids?

Yes, but I dont want the grunt and I will be poorer without the work it involves :|
I am free to make my own time, but seemingly, not free to do it on my own selfish terms.

2. Why do I work? Is it not for fun?
I guess I am emulating these investors who read for a living; and the question is: Do I enjoy reading? Or do I like the idea of being a reader? An inch wide and a mile deep my friend said; but I prefer 2 inches deep and a mile wide. 

3. Isnt it time I prioritize health and happiness over mindless gluttony, sloth, greed, envy and ambition?

Yes, and my move to the new home has helped me immensely - surprising how life's events can surprise us. 

4. Do I have any friends? Do I long for anyone?

Here too, I have felt the tug of life's pace. 

Therapy made me realise that I was caught living between 2 ends of the spectrum; the person I didnt want to become and the person my wife wanted me to be. Non-blissfully ignorant of my strained situation. 

The self knew it and did not know it at the same time. 

5. Have I begun racing through life because of the need to optimise time and ROI?

Yes. There is an X amount I make per day, so how can I waste time going to a book store? I ought to buy it online right?
Rory Sutherland awakened me to this and so did the Good Life book, four thousand weeks book, Wait; Rick Guerin's obituary.

The joy of doing is slipping away because we can suddenly do so much.

Is there any merit in physically shopping for groceries? I am taking N to a market tomorrow

Shouldnt I pick what I want to watch, before I begin browsing? The cable TV allowed us to surf aimlessly, but that graduated to the OTT VOD platforms, where we are no longer watching anything intently? Hence, I aim to build a DVD collection of old movies

6. My old story of ' this TV works fine, and hence I dont need a new TV' , vs ' Why am I using an old broken kettle, when Louis XI would have killed to have a beautiful useful piece at home'

Shouldnt I upgrade my life to maximising joy from the leisurely things I love? A good manually ground coffee in a french press, a beautiful pair of shoes that can elevate my walking, a handsome kettle in which I can boil water for my tea? or should it be a stove top old school kettle that is energy inefficient and time consuming?

7. Is it important to read 40 books a year, or shouldnt I prioritise re-reading some great books? Why do I not have the time to read the Lord of the Rings again?

Our world of plenty is throwing at us options for what to do with our free time. It could be mindlessly scrolling through Insta, a leisurely walk, learning how to make a dosa, reading a book or reading a synopsis and believing  that you have done it.

Slow down. Watch my children grow. Take charge of my health. Be mindful. Minimize regret. 

10 years

 Am I the same person?

My body is stiffer, my mind is more distracted, my gene pool is flourishing, I am richer, I am wiser.

But may be, the starkest difference is that I am full of gratitude, I am more humble because there is a lot I have to be humble about and that I am dying.

Nothing serious really, it's just that life is something you experience right until the moment you die. And then, all you have is eternity.

I have two small kids now and my world is larger because of them; there is more to be alive for and be more aware of and be fitter. I am on my way out and I continually see me through their eyes - and its a joyful out of body experience.

____

The fleetingness of love, marriage, life, money and most importantly, happiness keeps chipping at me.

I had once written about happiness and contentment - and how the motive ought to be joy and contentment.

I would be a fool if I asked for a better life.

These last 10 years have seen a big shift in how we manage our time. We dont sit at a computer anymore do we? We dont wait for the news - we dont even know what is new. I see anxiety around me and inside me and I hope that we find a way back to the cassette and to the waiting for the train and to the silence.

I wonder if I will write more...