Propose

There are 2 options before one.
Sit on a float in a flowing river.
Be Conscious.

Ignorance permits peace and thereby allows further ignorance until you become a part of the herd.
Ignorance is not bad, nor is the herd.
But what is bad is that it is a way of life that people choose unwillingly.
But the few buggers who really decide to choose bear the pain.

O Fish!

The body is aching and I feel bloated.
Want to sleep for a few days and wake up without my cell in Antarctica.
I think it's possible.
Waiting to be alone and slogging by myself.
Learning alone and exercising my brain.
I understand how people die and just become a part of the system.
I want to cry!
I want to cry!
I want to cry!
Just so useless - sitting with a customer and writing an order does not make me feel any better.
Spare me from this absurdity.

I realize that I am too blunt for social businesses.
Some work require small talk which is absolutely unpardonable for my existence.
Salesmangiri is what I should call it.

If you want to work - I have a discussion with you - no small talk.
Got it?

It's so difficult to be a part of this place.
It's good money, you meet new people, you can travel to new places.
But that is not me - I am not the fake.
I don't like the smiles and the affection.
I like the knowledge and the aggressiveness.
People here are too dumb and very superficial.
I want to be so tired that I cry. May be.
Hope this is not a juvenile passion.
Rather I hope I can be young and aggressive forever.

It's so painful to break the machine that has become me.
My chest feels heavy and I feel that I am about to cry.
The tears just don't want to come out.
I want the change.

Every morning I wake up with the same misery and every night I slip into bed with the same sombre mood.
I hope that one day it will end and that one day you never sail away.
I will never let me forget you.
You are mine forever.

So much hollow and so much pain.
It's almost unbearable.
Hope I never lose your feel.
There is just too much suffering.
And I don't really know why I am going through this.

Evolution

My thoughts on mankind's evolving tryst with ego.
Currently we are somewhere between money and fame - of course we have radicals who shun material possessions.
A few decades back, capitalism was not as blatant and therefore, reputation in society and fame held value. A government job, an educator, a scientist, an armyman - may be these were idealistic.
Innovation and entrepreneurship were frowned upon and sounded too individualistic.

I believe the industrial revolution resulted in the seeds of capitalism. Suddenly labour was cut down, production became easier, consumption increased, demand increased spawning what may be the actual super bubble which no one sees currently. May be this is a bubble which may never pop.

Slavery is another aspect which was shared through time.

But if we were to go further back into time - you had vast empires; British, French, Portugese, Japanese. This tells us another tale of the human ego. The king at the top, but people would have a chance to be great, either by winning the ovarian lottery or by being connected to the 'government' - which may be through the ranks of an army or as a part of the administrative (read oppressive) function.

If we go further back where we have smaller empires - Mughal, Chinese - The quality of life was worse. May be ego was more gender specific. It may have been a victory for a guy to have more than 1 wife, or have more food in a family.

So we have grown from sustenance to food to society to aristocracy to society to money to society. And another hypothesis is that every phase of mankind's evolution has removed a prior value.
We no longer value sustenance, food, lineage - but we currently value money and materialism. Slavery has been abolished. Religion has survived somehow - still creating barriers between regions and intellects.

Somehow, people are becoming more individualistic, lonely, self sufficient (socially), random and iconoclastic.

Note to Self

20th March 2009
Into the Wild
Happiness is real only when shared . . . ?
What if I were smiling right now and running into your arms . . . ?
Would you see then what I see now . . . ?

Pane

It is difficult to understand the way in which Ayn Rand, inspirational people, my perceptions of their behaviour and my brain may have influenced my current attitude towards certain matters. I find it excruciating to give fake smiles and show fake concern. I have this need for independence - not in the egoistic way, but in the peaceful way. I sometimes believe that I could not tolerate another person in my life with all her (I am not gay - in spite of what my behavior may make one believe) flaws. Then again - I believe I will need a companion. It is difficult to accept the ovarian lottery and easy to think of renouncing it but frightful to be in the spot where there is no support system. Then again, what good is a life if not challenging. Then again - what if life becomes a complete mess if one keeps searching for adventure. I may be 22 yrs old and too young to burden myself with these thoughts. I wonder why my mind functions this way. I wonder if I am still juvenile or if I am too mature. There is a lot of I inside me. It is a painful acceptance although I have not cried in a very long time. I believe that crying would rid me of some of the pains albeit temporarily.

Obzerwayshuns

I do not understand the 'pride' that some people showcase - of how good they are at a particular aspect.
The stubbornness that is associated with the ego that develops from the pride based on perceptions about oneself.
I find it awe-fully hilarious.
It is like yesterday when I saw a man at a restaurant behaving all 'dignified' with the menu card in his hand in front of the waiter.
It is similar to people who wear spectacles on their foreheads and show how smart they look.
Guys who give a sly smirk around girls who they may want to impress.
Girls who show excitement on meeting their 'long lost loved friends'.
Hand motions while calling someone 'inferior' monetarily or socially.
Raising one's voice when angry such that other people can hear one.
Having accents that make a fool out of one.
Wearing clothes that make you feel proud oblivious to the fact that people are laughing behind your back - which is OK if you give a fuck.