Sunday, November 30, 2008


Logic appeals to me more than a naked knockout.
It fascinated me because that is the only evidence of sanity in an insane world.
I am also attracted to the uncanny - and am eccentric myself.
I believe that schizophrenia is not too far away.

I also have a thing for reading and learning, forming my own thesis and logic.
The old statute of :Truth is truth unless proven false; is true.

I asked my friend a question today:
Work of a certain nature makes you crazy with excitement and work of another, easier nature makes you a lump.
The end result may be similar but the journey would be drastically different.
Does such a statement make sense? - Please elaborate if possible.

Now, she is not such a close friend but is a little wierd.
I was being impulsive; and just asked the question.

She replied: I guess whatever you do; work or otherwise -
It's always the journey that really matters, the people you are with, the state of mind you are in, the satisfaction you get everyday that matters more than the end result.
Even if we convince ourselves otherwise.

I said that: May be it answers my question.

A night of silence with a close friend appeals to me.
I appeal to you - Do not be scared of me.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Chai Chariot

It is purpose that drives us all. Everything I write revolves around a few key words.
It is purpose that will decide my future. I do not know why I feel like being alone sometimes, and feel too claustrophobic other times. I may be a loner and I may be a worthless human life. But it is discovery that wants us to live our lives. I do not believe in ignorance. I believe that my attitude would have been very different from how I am now, if I was in my friend's position yesterday night (26/11).
I miss being able to cry. I miss being crazy busy and focused. I hope I can make myself attain that state soon. I am withering away like this.
I don't get peaceful sleep, I am not calm while I am awake. I am restless and lazy. I feel tired and lost.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
I feel like a you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My friend's birthday

It is one of my best friend's birthday today and it is an interesting day.
Blasts at a hospital in south Mumbai, at Oberois, at the Taj Mahal hotel, something at Nepeansea Road, at the domestic airport. Shootouts at these and some other places. And I wondered why?

It was 2230 - 2300 hrs and some terrorists did not feel like sleeping. There must have been a motive behind this of course. Similar to there being a motive for why intelligence agencies, security and police were blind. Commendable that, for Indian standards, they were doing something. And I believe they did a better job than people expected. It is difficult to please the public.

I wonder why I was scared about everyone I knew.
I wonder why I was so restless regarding 2 of my friends who were stuck in office near Oberois.
I wonder why I felt bad that I could not go to my friend's house to wish her a great birthday.
I wonder what the real motive was.

Purpose is subjective, but omnipresent.
Things are going to go back to normal much sooner than sooner can be.
It is not resilience; it is ignorance of a people who are tired and are too ambitious.
People fear competition and want to stay ahead.
There is a purpose why each day passes.
And each moment exists.
Why each action justifies itself.
I might find the terroists' actions questionable but I am sure they dont feel the same way.

External locus of control v/s Internal locus of control.
There is a certain characteristic of the human being which does not gel with calm.
Mayhem brings purpose.
The reason -
Mayhem for one is a way of calm for another - vice versa.

It is the very reason why the matrix never succeeded and why the human race will not succeed.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Cogs & Sprockets Inside The Outsider

My brain started functioning only a year ago; I would say approx. 12 months ago.
I started questioning reality, reason and motive.
There is a reason why we are all here - it is a purpose.
I shall not be Morpheus - there is no higher purpose. (Please!)
This purpose is determined - or rather should be determined - by hedonism.
But society has molded almost every human being to be part of a system.
I shall not talk about society right now as this is not a part of the garbage that I want to put forth.
Coming back to hedonism, every purpose will always be unlike the other.

Humans have somehow decided not to question and therefore have lost the reason.
There is a simple way to decipher your purpose - and this I came across 8-9 months ago.

Let us suppose I am 70 something and months, days or minutes away from death.
At that moment I ask myself.
" Now that I look back at my life - did I do something meaningful?
Did my life really matter?
Are there any regrets?"

Now, there are bound to be regrets, and no matter how much you do, your life WAS really meaningless.
But, these questions allow you to create a bucket list.
Sorry for stealing the concept - but the movie gave me the 2 words required.

Now, this bucket list need not be full of the outrageous and the extraordinary.
It needs to be full of things you do not want to regret doing or not doing.
It needs to be full of things that give you plain and selfish pleasure.
The bucket list need not be complete - it can be otherwise and can keep evolving.
You can keep editing it. . .

I do not want to say: "Kaaash" "If only. . ."
I most definitely will; but I want to do all that there is in my locus of control, so that I never utter those words.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

My Experiments with Reality

A person goes through various phases - emotionally & psychologically - through his teenage life and his 20s. My brain started functioning only about 3-4 years ago. That would be; when I was 18 years old. I had no thoughts before that.
Currently I am answering questions: How much does money matter? Am I a part of society? What is intelligence? Does the multiplier effect suffice for various aspects of life? Are the concepts of loci of control; the answer to sadness? Would you much rather own a farmhouse or a penthouse?
Does the Bentley in your garage matter that much? What is it that gets your pulse racing?
What completes your bucket list? What allows you to sleep peacefully?

And most importantly - because this answers all questions - when you are on your death bed and you look back at your life - Will you find solace?

This blog is dedicated to my thoughts (as much as I can pour out to public eyes), my queries, my judgments and my observations.