Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Experiments with Society

Man is a social animal - One of the most commonly used phrases to initiate a discussion on the evolution of communication. What set my mind racing was the movie: Into the Wild. Alexander Supertramp speaks about how man needs to go back to his roots and be sane and uncivilized again. Now, that is a far out concept because there are too many things about modern life that man enjoys.
One of the fundamental aims of yoga is to connect the mind, body and soul (whatever they may be). I understand it as a reason to go back, forget things and be natural. There are a few humans who like to go away, be it for an hour, be it for a week. What this does is simple, it allows man to disconnect and in effect, re-connect with him/herself.
The mania of mobile phones and the internet has weirdly influenced human behavior. Facebook, Gmail, cell phones, etc leave no element of surprise. It is more and more difficult to surprise a lost friend, be independent, etc. You are always reachable. Most people feel handicapped without cell phones - something I empathize with.

My experiment that started today morning was to disconnect myself from Facebook. There is not much that I would do on that website, but I saw it draining away some of my time. Time that I could put to use by reading, resting or going out for a walk. Yes, I will lose my ability to entertain myself (a bit). But that is what an experiment is. I don't think it is too difficult to do this; however, FB is such a large part of one's life nowadays that it is akin to eating food and chewing it.

I believe I will succeed. I have no idea what I will gain from this exercise, but it will be interesting - that is for sure. I still look forward to a week without my cell phone. Nobody may call you in a week, but the cellphone allows one to rid oneself of anxiousness regarding safety, civilization and all that jazz.
I shall do the cell phone thing one day. Hopefully.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Outstanding people

There are instances when I look back and think of who I used to be.
There are changes in behavior, outlook, goals, thought processes, rationality, preferences, beliefs.
Some events or some people make you go back and think about how things have changed.
However, the people who really make you think are the people who you look up to, admire or detest. By this I don't mean the people who have been your friends for a long time.
I mean the people who have come to know recently and put you on a different plane when you are around them.
One of the most important fallouts is that you tend to assess yourself around people like this and thereby try to make yourself more respectable in your eyes.


There is an old thought that I thought I had penned, so was trying to find it. However, I found only an excerpt. So I have to write it, because we all know how temporary our memories are.
Control - and what it implies.
I believe this was about 3-4 years ago.

What decides your sorrow or rather your emotions?
Broadly, 2 things. Things beyond your control, and things within your control ( or at least the control you believe to have).
I said: The things that are beyond your control tend to affect you a lot more - in terms of instances - than the things that are within your control. The magnitude, however, is sharper with the things within our control.
Occasionally, the things beyond our control are given too much importance and we let them affect us drastically. Remember, to think for a moment.
Think whether you could have done anything to change that situation.
Personally, I believe, I do not let uncontrollable things affect me. However, the things that I control, have the ability to control, have the desire to control and believe that I control affect me drastically.
Thankfully, it is not a long list.

For a long time now, my advice has been; if somethings are beyond your control, think hard about it and let it pass. It does not deserve your anguish.

A month ago, I was asked by a friend here: You don't believe in god, so what do you do when you are angry or depressed?
I said: I try to rationalize, if that doesn't work... I cry.

Heavy Heart

Sometimes there is this heavy feeling in your heart; when your heart actually feels loaded. I wonder if it is biological, but it has happened to me in the past.
Usually related to anticipation of any nature. Relationships, Bad News, Results, Career... things like that methinks.
I enjoy (and am pained by) the way I think and relate things.
This feeling of anticipation stems from the possibility of a new path.
The new path usually gives hope.
Let's say for example: response to an MBA application.
We are prone to believing that something is missing and thereby we take steps to plug those holes and make them whole (added a little joke there ;)).

This brings me to one of my first thoughts upon coming to Champaign.
I remember thinking to myself when classes started...
I said : People in this class, some of them are going to hook up.
And as predicted, now there are 4 new couples if not more.
Of course, I also believe that romance and love is not the only way for humans to keep themselves happy, so inadvertently; sex is thrown into the picture.

Is there anything wrong with this?
For people who know me, I believe you know my take on this subject.

It is all about keeping yourself happy.
As for me; I am still looking out for what I need to hold on to.
Therefore nothing can yet mend this heavy heart of mine.


Listening to Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch and every time I listen to this song I get mixed emotions. Simply because I have trouble understanding what this song means. For some reason, I see detachment; I also see tears. There is some love involved and a lot of regret. May be that this what songs create - emotions and dreams. It works both ways, I believe.
Listening to this song in the right mood makes me want to cry, which of course I can't.
It makes me want to go away from belongings for a bit. A bit, because I am not strong enough to leave things. Of course not.
I realize that I am tired but still willing to go on. I wonder at times whether I will ever give up and whether I ever find anything to hold me together.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I thought of a thought.
Everything is temporary.
And as my thoughts go... they are never standalone.
So, everything is temporary.
This implies that everything is inconsequential in the long run.

Going further.
If this be the case (which in fact, is) why is happiness given so much prominence?
It is because the short run tends to matter a lot more than the long run in most cases.

However, as with most things... this too has anomalies.
Some creatures care about the long run.
Therefore, many things are postponed to tomorrow or thought of in the future tense (pun intended).
These are the creatures who stare away and keep wondering why life tends to be so difficult to pass by.
For them, life is not meant to be 'passed by'.

Remember, my pretty readers.
Everything is temporary.
And you are only stardust...

Sunday, September 20, 2009


The concept of happiness and pleasure. We walk along, believing that happiness lies at the end of that spot ahead. We believe that this is a job that I don't like, there is the friend I get annoyed with. I hate living with these guys. I wish I was by myself. I just hope I had that great shirt and jacket. What if I had that body? That would really make me happy. What I am addressing is very juvenile and yet, complicated.
People go to alcohol and prohibited drugs; people smoke and act insane. I had written about this long back - the pursuit of happiness...
How did that guy know that happiness would be a pursuit!!!???
Start small ...
Pizza with a friend.
Movie with a friend.
Drive alone.
Getting wet in the rain.
Again - if you read this.. it must have been a waste of your time.
But think aboat it and ask yourself.

Are you postponing happiness?
I sure am.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


this is an excerpt from House MD, a guy gets to ask Greg a question, which Greg proceeds to answer. the question was to the effect of:
why did you become a doctor? Clearly you don't like people, and if you like solving things you could have been a researcher.

When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

apparently, this is why House chose to be a doctor. It is intriguing - how people choose and / or not choose.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Why I love House

Spoken like a true circle queen.
See, skinny, socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle.
Everyone inside the circle is normal.
Everyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle.
Failing that, they should be institutionalized.
Or worse... pitied.

So is it wrong to feel sorry for this kid?

Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading?
This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or excretions or your grandma's itchy place.
Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties?
I don't pity this kid.
I envy him.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Rolling Stones

1st episode of Season 3 of House MD - towards the end, the song that is played is - You can't always get what you want.
The song goes on to say that, "when you try sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need. "
Very tricky sentence.

Another song that can be derived from the title is by Bob Dylan
How does it feel?
To be on you own...
With no direction home!!!
Like a complete unknown!!!
Like a rolling stone?

When you got nothing you got.... nothing to lose!!!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


There is no rest.
There are no answers.
I am tired.


It is intriguing, how I feel useful and useless in the same day.
I feel sad at times.
I try to find a meaning to my being each day.
And convince myself with a decent answer, knowing partially how I don't have an answer yet.
This makes me believe at times, that most people also fool themselves with having found a meaning to their individual lives.
But here is the point.
As long as you can fool yourself without knowing about it, you have managed to believe in your foolishness and thereby you are real.
This may come across to most as a guy(me) trying to sound really enlightened.

I have been called a sweet guy too often.
Makes me believe, that I am sweet simply because many are not.
Therefore it is all relative.

Another bone;
I am a nice guy especially because I hail from a rich family.
Most guys from rich families turn out to be brats.
Therefore, this again is relative.

One more;
I was said to be smart in BMS.
But let's face it, I was competing with people - many of whom had no great ambition and many of whom were from 'Commerce'.
So let me be called a bitch.
For I have said what is not to be said because it is 'frowned upon'.

I remember saying once, " I just want to change the world. "
Note that the above sentence has / had no exclamation mark.

I zoom out at times and see this world from another perspective.
Not that I believe that I am great or I know things that most don't.
All I believe is this:
There is no need to believe in a set of rules and guidelines.

I miss happiness.
But I have certain beliefs as to how I could possibly attain that happiness.

One is companionship.
One is providing guidance.
One is taking a real vacation.
One is creating wealth - if that concept makes sense; highly debatable.
One is companionship.

I tell you this.
I am already dying a worthless death.
Boo Hoo.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Connecting time

I face problems. Who doesn't? Eh??!!
I was pretty restless in India. I felt underutilized and that I was slowly adjusting to the rich life. I had few friends. I had a partial life. I could not have gone on like that.
I am here now, and I battle myself. I ask whether I am using my time effectively, whether I will ever reach my goals, whether I will ever fully understand my goals, whether I will keep evolving.
I feel happy at times, thinking of what I have left behind - for I know that relative to where I was, I am much better off now.
And then I remember something that a friend told me.

"For the most part we all kid ourselves saying and believing that we are happy where we are. We are all deeply flawed. It doesn't exactly take courage to run away. It takes fear. Works both ways."

We are all deeply flawed.
And we are all a part of the Brownian Motion :-D

Am I a nice guy?

It is nice to know that nice people still exist.
Another thing that I may have realised:
I believe that I am a bitch.
And that is because the thoughts in my head remain in my head.
However, people around me - I believe - may not share my opinion.
For I have come to believe that some people believe that I am a nice guy.

Now, it takes some strength to write this.
Because it is insane and marginally moronic to write 'good' stuff about yourself; that too from another person's perspective. It labels one as haughty. I am sure, that is one thought that may have come to your head as you read this.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Goat

The last episode of season 4 in How I met your mother has a speech by Lily. She refers to a goat in the apartment and how the goat (she) just cared about the wash cloth and following it, without realising why she was following the cloth. Lily used that as a reference to tell Ted 'aboat' how he might be doing the same thing; pursuing his architecture career where he is facing a hard time. So paths are switched.

Point being, a lot of us tend to become goats and get by.
Such is life.


I had this discussion with a friend the other day; about how life changes or rather would change during marriage.
I said, "If you want to fart in your bed when you are alone, you will freely do it. However, if you sleep with someone(spouse), you just cannot fart. Well, may be, silently."
To which, another point raised by her (friend) was; "It is alright when you are a roomie with someone, coz then you have your own bedroom... but marriage... "

It is an interesting concept, this - marriage.