Thursday, March 12, 2009


It is difficult to understand the way in which Ayn Rand, inspirational people, my perceptions of their behaviour and my brain may have influenced my current attitude towards certain matters. I find it excruciating to give fake smiles and show fake concern. I have this need for independence - not in the egoistic way, but in the peaceful way. I sometimes believe that I could not tolerate another person in my life with all her (I am not gay - in spite of what my behavior may make one believe) flaws. Then again - I believe I will need a companion. It is difficult to accept the ovarian lottery and easy to think of renouncing it but frightful to be in the spot where there is no support system. Then again, what good is a life if not challenging. Then again - what if life becomes a complete mess if one keeps searching for adventure. I may be 22 yrs old and too young to burden myself with these thoughts. I wonder why my mind functions this way. I wonder if I am still juvenile or if I am too mature. There is a lot of I inside me. It is a painful acceptance although I have not cried in a very long time. I believe that crying would rid me of some of the pains albeit temporarily.

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